The Girl With The Headphones: Confidently Lost

For as long as I can remember, listening to music was deeply harmonious for me. Songs paint a story that allows me to escape from the present. I remember the first story I created through Elle Varners’ single “Refill”. I imagined that I would go to New York to meet a random knight who falls in love with me within a day. And yes, to my 11-year old self, that was very realistic (still, I hope it is, honestly). As time surpassed, the stories I created through these songs intensified, feeling almost real. The cool thing about music is that it can mean whatever you want. It can change over time. I mean just look at the Swifties.

I am one of those people that listens to five songs in rotation using my playlist from 2015 as a foundation. The song?Confidently Lost?by Sabrina Claudio unveiled the fluidity within my musical interpretation.?I discovered this song in 2018, my junior year in high school. I always run back to this song when I need comfort. In each stage of my life, I have heard a different song. A different lyric caught my eye. A different story was created.?

“I’m alone, but I’m not lonely”?

Within the very first line of the song, I was hooked. As stated in my previous blog,?The Wanderer Child,?I have always allowed my curiosity to lead my life. I know it may be hard to believe, but I was a very reserved child. I guess one could say I always had that “teenage” trait of viewing my room as my sanctuary. My large personality formed through the privacy of my room. At the time, I did not realize I was beginning to answer the question of “who am I?” To me, it never made sense to have friends before being MY friend first. Not in a cocky way, more in a “before I expose myself, let me figure out if I am a decent person”, type of way. I genuinely fell in love with myself at a young age. I loved my voice. I loved my humor. Oh, how I loved how my creativity flourished through musical performance and writing. This line hooked me because it conceptualizes that loneliness is not just about physical closeness, but the energy and comfort you?feel.?To this day, I believe this is one of my best decisions because I go through life comfortable within my spirit and being. But hey do not be scared to talk to me. I am much more social now (when I have had adequate alone time to recharge).?

“Thinking about where I’m from if I belong there, but I wouldn’t change it for anything”

As some of you may know, I am a first-gen college student, so of course, my 16-year old self thought that line was “omg so deep.” Transitioning to UNC was not just about being the first to go to college, but also about going to a place that is the complete opposite of what I know. I enjoyed high school because I understood the culture and rules of the city. At the end of the day we were all pretty similar, minorities, low income, and we thought it was funny to make inappropriate jokes about trauma. But even though I was comfortable, I knew it was temporary. One rule that I decided to break as a black urban kid was my love for theatre and versatile artistic expression. I was never ashamed of that part of me. I just had to accept that everyone would call me a “white girl” until graduation. Don't be mad they don’t mean harm. That is just how they understood the world. "What we do. What they do. Us and then it is them." Even though I loved my home, I lingered for a place where I felt more understood. I am not sure how I concluded that going to a predominantly white institution for college would be the place, but here I am. UNC added needed perspective in my life but is not a place I necessarily fit or belong. I guess I am still chasing that place from the lyrics. The difference now is I am ok if I do not find it.?

“I'm just an outline of what I used to be. Constantly evolving. Steadily revolving”?

My apologies for yet another “Branding of Me” course reference, but one day in class we were discussing introspection. Asking those terrifying questions that we 20-somethings hate. Like “what do you like” or “what are your passions” and the grim reaper, “who are you.” I felt the uneasiness in the classroom that day. But I thought about my “unsaid thank yous”, the places I have seen, the people I met, the person I am. I will admit that change, especially within yourself, can be terrifying. People love to talk about growth as this beautiful butterfly kiss then you are happy all the time, but unfortunately, this is the real world. Growth is healing old wounds that we are scared to touch. Growth is admitting your faults and either changing or accepting them. It is being vulnerable internally and externally to allow the needed growth. Like I said, TERRIFYING. The great thing about this gruesome never-ending process is those special little moments after class when you take the time to think about your now versus then. The now being something you previously never imagined you can reach.?

Music made me a storyteller. It initially served as my escape but has transpired to my canvas. At any moment of the day, I can hear an old song and curate what I need to see and feel in the moment. Sorry Genius, but songs can mean whatever we want them to.?

Use this link to join a collaborative playlist. Lets' create together!

Sincerely, the girl with the headphones.