Girl-bossing to close to the sun

I felt a few mixed emotions this week -- debating whether or not to write this specific article. When designing this week's banner, I searched for the key terms "I can't" or "I give up." Much like "woman eating salad alone" phenomena, more than half of the results resembled the below:

Put bluntly: I'm tired. I am "woman who just can't anymore, burning the candle at both ends" problems. Stepping aside from the sexism of stock photos, the "lean in", "girl boss" mantra of having it all can be unrealistic and even toxic. In researching for this article, I stumbled upon a TikTok trend "Uhm, I may have girl-bossed a bit too close to the sun", which most women who have faced anxieties and perfectionism can probably relate to. Like Icarus, going too close could lead to self-destruction... Or in my case, falling down a 2k ft elevation hill face first while fatigued.

As much as this is a newsletter about trying to hike a 14-er, the reality is that I and the twenty other Climb Against the Odds hikers have lives outside of training and fundraising. It's not easy to in a 8-hour hike and a weekly blog post on top of everything else. Earlier last week, I was reminded on a hike prep call that you don't need to follow the training guide to a tee. You make the training work with you. Everyone works at their own pace, or as writer Suleika Jaouad elegantly describes self-forgiveness:

We have differing capabilities and we’re all carrying private burdens, and how we are in any one given moment—even the hardest ones, maybe especially the hardest ones—is not a moral litmus test. It’s not the definitive judgment of your quality as a person or your capacity for love. There is no one right way to walk through those valleys.

According to Box of Crayons founder ?? Michael Bungay Stanier, individuals under duress can find themselves in 3 vicious circles: 1) creating over-dependence 2) getting overwhelmed, and 3) becoming disconnected. So how do we break these vicious circles?

Say no to the small things. I know what you're thinking: easier said than done. For me, it's the internal voice that says "you're not doing enough" that guilts me into overcommitting to my goals. One trick I've started using is inspired by Dr. Maya Shankar, former Obama advisor and cognitive behavioral scientist. While Dr. Shankar discusses the importance of goals, it's important to make room for "emergency reserves" like break or cheat days when you just can't. The key to stopping a cheat day from becoming a cheat month is to apply a comparable, tactical substitute behavior.

In practice, I use the mental framework of "I am not going to ___, because ___ and I will do ___ instead." For example:

• I am not going to exercise for the next few days, because I am recovering from muscle strain and I can go on a longer hike on Saturday instead.
• I am not going to keep on a work deliverable, because I have soccer practice and I can think clearer later when I've had some separation.
• I am not going to push for that extra HIIT class, because muscle fatigue is real and I need rest instead.

It seems overly simplistic, but sometimes, it's the small stuff that piles up. Like Suleika said, "there's no right way to walk through [the] valleys." What are some ways you practice self-forgiveness and saying no? Share them with me in the comments.

Lessons Learned

• Respect your limitations. Rome wasn't built in a day, and in the same vein, you're not going to climb over an 8-ft of fallen, decaying redwood tree and hurt yourself just to "meet a goal"
• The only sure things that undo muscle fatigue are sleep and water. Don't bother trying to injure yourself.
• Leverage accountability and affirmation from your community. I am fulling capable of grinding, but should I? I give flowers to my partner and a close work friend for stepping in every time I wanted to push for an extra Barry's class when my body didn't.

To support my fundraising goal of $10,000 for Breast Cancer Prevention, you can donate?here. If you're a LinkedIn employee, go to my go/Gives campaign at go/ShastaStrong.