The gig is up! They Will Find Out You are a?Fraud

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the imposter syndrome jail, where doubt clouds good judgment, hard work clouds talent, and a sense of unworthiness keeps you from speaking up.

Let me be honest right now—there is nothing comfortable about writing this. It's too revealing, too personal, and way too vulnerable for my taste. Leaders are supposed to be strong, and if you are a woman in leadership, be on your badass behaviour at all times.

…and somewhere in my subconscious, I am screaming to myself- “DON’T DO IT!”

Yet here we are- an article 6 months in the making. This is as much part of my self-realization journey, as much as it is about all the women and friends that I have been speaking to in the past couple of months. This is about the emotional turmoil that most women (and men) go through in private- and refuse to talk about in public. God forbid you seem weak…(feel free to add your favorite shocked emojis here)…mine? ????♀?

But what the hell…this is for my journey. This is for you if you are going through your own emotional jail. And this is for every young woman I meet whose struggle I understood too well- “Do I deserve to be here? Am I really as good as I think, or was I lucky?”

So what’s my story??

Grab a cup of tea or coffee and let me tell you?….

My little hell began 3 years ago- when I decided to throw caution to the wind, give up my consultancy in New York and move to Kenya. The decision was easy to make. I had always wanted to move back...(Africa for Africa- right?) and it just seemed like the stars were aligned for the move. I had found a good company- my mentor was going to be my boss…I was going to work with good people whose brilliance still makes my head spin to date. When passion meets purpose- what could go wrong?

Like most opportunities in my life- I jumped in heart first and bright eyed. At first, I was in my element! Forget the language barrier, the name calling…(yes there were a few of those), the new food (those stomach aches-eh!)... the robberies (a few of those too)… and well just about anything that had a red sign indicating “you are not in Kansas anymore". In my highly energetic style- I kept running and steam-rolling through it all. There was no time to dwell on any of that- my "get work done" mode had kicked in. But somewhere along this journey of acclimating into a new environment…the imposter syndrome had slowly crept in, taken room and made itself very comfortable in my mental space.

The change was so subtle that it took the end of 2017 to come to the realization that the person that was looking back at me in the mirror was not me. I did not recognize myself. Somehow, I had become a visitor in my own life… a traveller passing by. I found myself living in doubt ( and for someone who had thrived in being so sure of what needed to be done- this only compounded the problem!). I had become indecisive, fearful, and doubtful of my success- and it sucked. When friends and colleagues would comment on some projects I had done, I would wonder if that was me who had done that. And as is always the case- this mental block- this mental hell seeped into my work, my relationships and my overall well-being. I felt small….an imposter.

On a warm December afternoon in 2017 on the backdrop of a Rhode Island view of the Atlantic Ocean, my past, present and future collided in a way that I did not expect. I lost someone that was dear to me. Someone who had mentored me throughout my journey. It was such a jolt that I could not bring myself to speak of it. I had left work in a state of utter confusion, and went back home feeling disconnected from everything that I knew to be me. Losing someone instrumental to my growth reminded me how far I had come. In that moment of paralyzed grief- I knew that something had to change.

And there- a journey began.

To be honest- I thought that once I realized the state of my mental health, it would be an easy change. Snap back to your old self.

Sounds easy- right??

wrong!

You see - when you have gone through such a mental beating- you can't just snap back to your old self. That person almost doesn't exist. You have grown and learned and moved forward. The trick is finding the balance between where you have been, and where you want to be.

In these past months- I am learning that “self-love”, “self-growth” and “self-realization" is not a once-in a while job. It is an everyday battle- fought and won around the choices you make. It has taken me a good 7 months to declutter mentally and fully look myself in the mirror and see through the mist. It has meant waking up every morning and making the decision to show up, be present and take the bull by the horns. One thing I have increasingly accepted is that I am where I am today because I deserve to be here. There is a sense of liberation in not only accepting that you are at the right place, but that no matter the circumstances, you have choices on how and where you steer your journey- no matter the outcome.

What have I learned through this journey?

1. Understand “why”

I found out that it all boiled down to choice. I was back in Africa- where I had dreamed of returning for years. Except I had rosed-up my return. I thought that after years of being away, I would finally feel like I had arrived home. But I had miscalculated one little fact- people’s perceptions of who I was- or needed to be. I couldn’t speak Swahili (frankly still can’t piece together a decent sentence yet), the name calling- I was American not African (this one I still do not understand)…I was a neocolonialist (wah! even Africans eh)…why was I single?…Arghhh! I was operating on defense mode. On any given day, I was defending what I like to eat, when I like to eat, how I like to dress, my accent (shocker here), my "American english” (apparently that’s a thing)… and basically anything that anyone perceived as different. And for a chick who had lived more than half her life outside of Africa- well, what was different was PLENTY! It was uncomfortable and mentally exhausting. Slowly- I spoke less, went out less, traveled less and eventually- I spent 90% of my time fire-fighting in all areas of my life.?

In understanding what was contributing to my emotional hell-hole in the first place, this became my first battle to combat. I also realized that I had to choose to embrace my here and now. I was now living in Kenya. I could fail- I could succeed. But for now- I was #nairobiliving. And as for what I wear, eat or sound like- well, Sushi is still amazing so people could kick-rocks.

2. Surround yourself with champions

You are not an island. Not at work…not at home…actually-not anywhere. You will always have people in your life who have journeyed with you and more than likely they know you better than yourself. When you are going through an emotional hell-hole, find the people who are championing you to succeed.?

In my case, I found that while I was always surrounded by people- there was a sense of being alone. And it was natural. My primary school mates were now grown, married and some with children- we had drifted apart. The friends I had made for 20 years- were continents away- despite WhatsApp being accessible. After trying to sort everything by myself- I reached out and connected to my friends. By choosing to reach out to all my close friends, I learned the amount of social capital I had within a span of a month. I send an SOS message to my network of friends. The message carried the tone of “I feel like I made a mistake- really feeling isolated....maybe I should not have left that secure income that was mine after all”. And five people within a minute of sending this message came back with the response to the tune of “Are you CRAZY? Look at the work you have done…” and they would make a list. They also took the opportunity to remind me of my good and not so good qualities. Essentially telling me “you are not there by mistake, kick-ass, and stop short-changing yourself.” Some of them I would get on a phone call- and they would cry with me…some wanted to come and pack me into a suitcase and ship me to an island. Others send me tickets to a vacation…(that I never took). None of them told me to leave. They reminded me of what I was capable of achieving, and refused to allow me to wallow in self-damning pity. I have come to believe that everyone needs at least one or two of these people.

3. Embrace your?luck

We all have our luck. Some in great measure, others in small measure. But we refuse to embrace luck. Have you noticed that you will always shy from someone who tells you that “ you are so lucky!”. Because somehow- we have made it such- being lucky means you didn’t do anything or you just got whatever you have by chance.?

But I ask- what is wrong with luck?

My luck? I have a high bounce-back rate. It’s a gift. I can pretty much bounce from anything and easily adapt to any situation. As I would come to realize in the past 6 months, this could be a blessing and a curse- (a story for another day).?

This luck is coupled by a love and skill for getting people together and telling stories. I think I got this from my maternal grandmother who used to gather all the grandkids by the fire and tell us stories — some of which would leave us sleepless for days.?

Needless to say- because of my gift, or luck- I bounced back. Every time. No matter how bad it would get, I would find myself back, stream-rolling.

Luck gave me great mentors, and always landed me on solid footing- no matter the circumstances. there by the grace of God goes I…

4. Don’t Be Afraid to Seat on Your Couch For?Hours

Sometimes the best thing to do is to drown yourself in hours of mindless television. Or that horribly written book…shamelessly. Yes…be a couch potato and eat potato chips while you are at it!?

I used to feel bad about the idea of doing nothing- or finding myself doing nothing. (this is how I described couch potato-ing). You know the narrative…work hard, work late…Monday to sunday. OR Work-life balance… party hard… work hard. Okay- all that is complete hogwash. All these ideas you tie yourself to lead to your misery I think. You might come to realize- as I did- that maybe…just maybe, seating down and zoning out is just okay.

I now embrace this whole heartedly.

So you can imagine what my Fridays…or Thursdays…or Mondays really looked like. Netflix and Scribd became my constant companions- who helped me disconnect for a couple of hours. It worked. And these days? Well if you can’t get me to go out on a Friday night- it is probably because I am either watching Netflix movies or reading a book by Paulo Coelho (the man is a brilliant storyteller).

5. You are not?alone

You are not alone. Don’t allow yourself to feel that you are alone.?

You are not the only one who is struggling with these feelings of inadequacy. You are in good company with Maya Angelou, Meryl Streep and Sherly Sandberg. There are people including celebrities and CEO’s constantly dealing with self-doubt. Some of these people are your friends. So reach out.

I chose to speak about it. Not an easy thing to do- but I knew I needed to have someone who could give me a different perspective. I began openly speaking about my struggle, what I was learning and how I was coping. The more I spoke to people, the more I found out that some of them were going through the same thing. Sure- I encountered some people who would not understand what I was going through and some who I could tell were not being honest about their experiences. In the end, those who shared their stories and their struggles became my accountability partners.

So here is the thing... let me not lie to you and say it has worked 100%. I still wake up every morning to battle my demons.

Sure, there are times when you will walk out of a meeting feeling like a complete idiot—

it happens.

Or hang up the phone and realize you did not hear half of the conversation-

it happens.

Or wake up in the morning and not feel like getting out of the best-

it happens.

Or completely beat yourself up for someone else doing you wrong-

it happens.

But here is the beauty of it all: you are a mortal. Celebrate what went well, forgive what didn't go well and fix what can be fixed. After all, you are living among mortals- and they are the most unpredictable bunch in the entire universe.