The Gift of Perception

As a family, during this time of adjustment, we created a social isolation document to help guide our relationships with each other. We had recently learned about four aspects of life that get compromised when we get trapped in our phones—connection, touch, nature, exercise—we decided to use these as our foundational pillars. Keeping those pillars in mind, we all stated the things that we wanted to with our days: exercise, projects, work, screen time. And then we broke each of those down further. Screen time, for example, included one movie or two episodes per day, 15 minutes of phone or computer time, one hour of educational exercises or videos, or limitless time on video calls.

Once we had created this treasure, we asked our children, 11 and 13 years old, why they believe we initiated this process. “To prevent boredom?” my daughter asked. “Yes, and…?” I replied. “To prevent family conflict?” she asked. “Bingo!” came from the parents’ mouths in unison!

Now I’m not certain which is a better tool, the document itself or setting the tone for minimizing conflict.

In truth, I’m not sure it matters.

Before you read past this next part, I want you to do the following: look around and determine how many things around you are blue. At the end of this article, I will ask you a question pertaining to this.

So much of what we see in life is perceived through a lens created by what we were taught in the past. If somebody taught you that skinny is beautiful, that is what you believe. If fast cars mean status, that is what you believe. If government is seen as corrupt, that is what you believe. Then you have an easy time seeing the evidence that supports your belief.

Let me take you all the way back to grade one. It’s your first spelling test. When you get it back it has four big red X’s on it. You look over at Sally’s paper and she has only two red X’s. Plus she has a purple star at the top. And Billy, who sits on the other side of you, has no X’s and a gold star. Now you start to feel inadequate, that you’re not good enough to earn a purple star let alone a gold one. Then you start to feel embarrassed. If you’re looking at other people’s papers, they are looking at yours. You quickly turn yours over.

As a six year old, you have now learned two very important lessons:

1. Mistakes are embarrassing. Other people are judging you for your red X’s.
2. Mistakes are punishable acts. You weren’t good enough to earn a star.

Sound familiar? I grew up in a school system similar to the above. But what if you grew up in a different system? This time, when you get your paper back you see four little pencil dots. You look over at Sally and cannot see anything. Same with Billy. When you look up, you see the teacher stopping in at each desk. When the teacher gets to you they say: “Hello, [Enter Your Name Here], I noticed that four of the words you spelled are different from the way they are typically spelled in books. I am really looking forward to sitting with you to help you learn to spell them in a way that is more typical.” Notice there is no praise for the mistakes, but there is support.

Now, as a six year old you have learned two very important lessons:

1. Mistakes are opportunities to learn. And to do things in a way that others have determined already works. 
2. Mistakes are opportunities for collaboration—to be supported, mentored, or even to mentor.  

Can you imagine how different people might be if they, from such an early age, learned that mistakes are really opportunities to learn? 

We would have a much braver generation of creators! 

If you appreciate this concept, you may want to check out Brian Scudamore’s book WTF?! Willing to Fail.

Can you now see how our perception is shaped by the lessons we learn as we age? 

So, back to the social isolation document we created as a guide. My wife and I are consciously choosing the lessons we want our children to learn. We see great value in teaching proactively that communicating to prevent conflict aligns with our values and is a great life skill. At least that’s the way we perceive it!

What I’m saying, in the end, is that perception is everything. How do you want to see the world? Now, during this pandemic, is as good a time as any to ask yourself that question.

Are you able to see the world the way you want? In a way that aligns with your values?

Let’s go back to the exercise I asked you to do! Do you remember how many blue items you saw when you looked around? Great! Now, can you close your eyes and report how many green items there are…? 

When we are looking for blue, it is typically hard to see the green with accuracy!

Life doesn’t happen to you, it happens through you! You always have the opportunity to overwrite your training and your habits—to create ways of thinking that support you to be who you want to be in every moment.