The Gift of Negative Criticism and Feedback

How to Win Friends and Influence Critics

Yes, you read that accurately and you’re probably thinking, “Hey Mark, you sound like a Pollyanna on steroids.”

Let me give you the alternative to see if you'd prefer that.

Would you prefer that instead of people giving you that criticism and feedback that they:

1. held it against you
2. lost trust, confidence and respect for you
3. avoided you and dealing with you
4. complained about you to someone else

If you think any of those are not likely to happen then you’re the Pollyanna on denial.

“Okay,” you’re now thinking, “point made. Now convince me why I should see it as a gift.”

That’s simple.

As difficult as it is to receive negative criticism and feedback, it is often as difficult to give it if the giver anticipates that you’ll get upset, hurt, become defensive, angry or make excuses or blame someone else.

What they’re not expecting from you is to demonstrate poise and class in how you respond. And if you can demonstrate both, they may go from being critical of you to admiring how you handled it, especially since they are thinking they wouldn’t be able to respond in a similar fashion.

I know, I know... now, you’re intrigued and thinking, “Okay, how do we do that?”

I’m glad you asked.

To begin with, cement this into your mind forever, “Poise begins with a pause.”

That’s correct, because when you pause instead of reacting emotionally, defensively or hostilely, which is what the other person expected, you’re going to intrigue them or at least get their attention.

After you pause, say to them in a calm and measured voice, “What frustrated, upset and disappointed you most about what I did or failed to do that if going forward I corrected and fixed, you won’t have to feel that way again?”

In all likelihood they will be disarmed, if not dumbfounded, and respond with, “Huh?” or “What?”

At that point repeat what you said, “Yeah, what frustrated, upset and disappointed you most about what I did or failed to do that if going forward I corrected and fixed, you won’t have to feel that way again?”

That will give them a chance to regain their composure and they'll be able to respond.

After they do, respond with, “This is too important for me to have misunderstood anything you just told me. Just to make sure I got it right, what you said I need to do going forward is (then repeat exactly what they said). Is that right?”

Then allow them to say, “Yes,” or correct what you just said, and repeat that back to them until you get a confirmatory “yes” from them.

Then say, “Thank you, got it. Can I make an additional request?”

Hopefully they’ll (maybe sheepishly because you’re so in charge of the conversation) say, “Okay?”

Then say, “Going forward I’d like to informally check in with you once a month to make sure that from your point of view, I’ve improved in all the ways you have laid out and how I can improve even more in my position. Would that be okay?”

Give it a try and going forward let me know how I can improve further in giving you advice that improves your life, because I wouldn't want to frustrate, upset or disappoint you.