Gift Giving and Gift Taking: My Absence of Parity
I am much better at one than the other. For those who know me, you have three guesses and the first two don't count.
Those who know me also know that I regularly give gifts -- and I believe in a gift giving culture. It is a way of connecting with others and messaging. It is way to create community and community engagement and cross community meaning. I have been influenced by Marcel Mauss and his book The Gift as well as some tribal cultures with deep gift giving traditions.
When I was a college president, I gave many gifts, all paid for with my own money not that of the institution lest there be any question out there about conflicts or loyalty or spending. Some were to all faculty and staff. For example, I gave everyone small bamboo shoots in small ceramic pots when we were growing faster than expected (parking was scarce; classrooms were crowded). Why this gift? Because bamboo is the fastest growing tree and the sturdiest. My note to campus personnel remarked that we all had those two qualities too.
Some gifts were to students. (Home baked cookies for residential students personally delivered during the first week of the semester.) Some were to the senior team members. Some were to trustees. Others were to donors (that included mats ball soup if they were ill). Some were to my two remarkable executive assistants -- and usually those gifts were jewelry that I also bought for myself so we shared. We would see each other in the jewelry day-in and day-out.
After my presidency, I have continued to give gifts, including books I have written like Lady Lucy's Quest and any young person with the name Lucy (or anything close like Lucia or Lucille) whom I encounter gets one for free -- in schools, in restaurants, in libraries. My gifts to those in my personal life are carefully selected, often picked up on my travels and usually messaging something important. Gifts aren't reserved for holidays either; if the moment moves or or the situation begs for it, I give a gift. And, that means I store gifts (and cards) --- so I am always ready. (My gift closet was a source of interest to my son and I kept it well hidden.) I buy gifts when I encounter them. I am always on the lookout too for gifts. This makes for a wonderful focus when I am in boutiques or online or traveling. I also like to start people on collections because that enables me to search for the collected items with regularity -- miniature frogs, turtles, rocking horses, antique tools.
What is much harder, near to impossible, for me is to receive gifts comfortably. We could do some deep psychological dive here but let's just say that gifts in the past came with too many strings attached. It is like the old joke about the Klopman diamond. The diamond is amazing, breathtaking even, but there is one catch -- it comes with Klopman.
It is in this context that I have been deeply affected by a recent gift I received (and almost couldn't open it --- indeed, I needed help opening it) related to the launch of my new book, Breakaway Learners published by Columbia Teachers College Press. It is a mug with the word "lasticity" on it -- the word that undergirds the new book and that I am hoping will enter our lexicon. And the mug is in colors that match the meaning and spirit of the book and also contains the ways the word "lasticity" would appear in a dictionary -- with the syllable and pronunciation markings.
The mug is something I can use in a myriad of ways: to drink from, as if I were drinking in the new word literally; to view from near and far as a reminder of the word and its import; to serve as a transitional object (to use the parlance of psychiatry) as I leave home and travel to speak about my work; to signal and remind me and others of this new word -- in all its dimensions.
What a touching gift -- what a personal gift -- what forethought went into the gift of a mug emblazoned with lasticity. It is a gift I would have given if situations were reversed. There is an irony here too. I created a word (lasticity) that I am giving to others in the hopes that it will enable increased student success; what I received when the book launched was my own word back -- so to speak. It is as if the giver was reminding me of my word gift, lest I forget or lest I fail to embrace it fully.
Now, that's a mug with meaning. That's a real gift....which I graciously, albeit a tad self-consciously, accept.