The Gift Of Desperation.

What a gut punch this past weekend was. A comedian died from fentanyl laced coke on Friday night, along with 2 other people. Another person was in critical condition from the same bad batch, and thankfully reported to be doing better now. Thank God.

I'm a drug addict. I’ve been sober for a pretty long time and I kept thinking that nobody is supposed to die from doing a little coke. And I couldn’t shake the idea of the absolute horror of those final moments when a Friday night turned from a party into a tragedy.

And then, Michael K. Williams died yesterday of an apparent heroin overdose. Holy shit. 54 years old and arguably the best actor, or at least most authentic actor, that I’ve ever seen. He was a bad motherfu**er that was strong, proud and vulnerable. He was a perfectly flawed human being, right down to the huge scar that ran down his face. You took one look at that man and knew that he was a guy that had been through the ringer, for real.

I was scrolling through interviews with him and a through line was that he wanted to give voice to imperfect human beings. Real people with real stories and flaws that, no matter how hard they tried, they just couldn’t hide.

There are two “hot takes” that I keep seeing in comments that really get under my skin. The first is “please stop doing powdered drugs.” I know it's meant with love but it’s not that easy. I’m not saying that the people that died were addicts but addiction is the disease of more. Maybe once they had a couple of drinks, the voice that says MORE started to speak up.

Maybe they just had a little bit of that voice. If you’re an addict, you know how loud that voice can get.

The reason that I can’t pick up a drink is that I’m defenseless against everything once I do. An old rehab joke in reply to “what’s your drug of choice?” is to answer “Whatever YOU’VE got.” And so it goes. If it's on, we’re gonna do whatever you’ve got.

Or maybe none of them had that voice? Maybe that just had a couple of beers and it sounded like fun. Even though there’s an outside chance that some coke these days is laced. What are the odds?

I’ve talked to a paramedic, who has Narcanned tons of people, about this. He said coke is cut with so much meth these days that you need to slow it down for it to feel or taste anything like coke. Enter fentanyl. There’s an actual recipe that could be *somewhat* safe for human consumption. If a chemist was given that recipe and spun in down in a machine for a day or two, it would be completely homogenous and evenly dispersed. But it’s just some dude with a spoon that mixes it until his arm gets tired and bags it up.

So, a clump of fent can go into one bag. Even if you asked a dealer to do a bump to make sure that he doesn’t die, there could still be a lethal dose in the corner of the bag. The DEA says it takes 2 milligrams of fent to create an overdose. I don’t really trust any numbers that the DEA puts out (*Like the old “Crack is instantly addictive with one toke.”) However, if that’s true, that means 1/500th of a gram of cocaine could have fent in it and kill you.

Those are terrifying odds.

Another way to look at those numbers is that if you do $50 worth of coke, 10 cents of it could kill you.

The other thing that I’m seeing a lot of, in regards to Michael K. Williams, from genuinely heartbroken people in comments: “He was so amazing and had everything, why couldn’t he…”

Addiction. Doesn’t. Care. It just wants more. One more. Until it’s all gone.

I can’t tell you how many times were the last time ever. I might as well go all out, because this is the last time. One more. A little more. Do it all.

You can’t stop until you’ve hit bottom. And we don’t get to choose what that bottom is.

All I can tell you is that a little more is the only way to make that voice go away. And boy does it get loud.

I don’t have any answers here. If you’re a casual user that just wants to have fun, maybe you can find a different way until things get safer? If you’re an addict that’s seeking that “last one,” I pray that you get sobered up and not covered up. I can tell you from personal experience that if you’re actively seeking the bottom, then it’s a lot closer than you think.

There is a solution. For me, it started with the Gift Of Desperation.

For anyone dealing with an addict that they love, I implore you to get support. Love is a hell of a drug.

For the rest of us, let’s just try to have a little more understanding. Addicts are great liars- we even do it to ourselves. Some of us are great actors. They can look you in the eye and convince you that everything is perfect, when they’re dying inside.

And we’ll believe them, even though we see the scars all over their face.

Rest in peace and quiet.