Ghosting: Why it's Bad and How to Fix It

When I was researching and writing?Honestly Speaking?a few years ago, I knew I wanted to talk about?ghosting, especially "professional ghosting."?It's that situation where you're in communication with someone and one person just stops engaging. Like a ghost, they disappear without any explanation.?And I talked about why it's bad for a whole bunch of reasons.

But in my research, I couldn't find any meaningful studies that talk about why people do it, and more important, the effects ghosting has on all of us.

Now there is one.?Wesleyan University Psychology professor Royette Dubar recently shared the research results of a study of the effects of ghosting on young adults.?In a recent?Washington Post article, Professor Dubar summarizes her research, which includes a few particularly interesting points for us as leaders thinking about how we communicate and lead, and particularly if we work with recent college graduates:

• Lack of communications skills at the root. Many people admit to ghosting because they lack the necessary communications skills to have honest conversations, regardless of whether it's an in-person conversation or via email or text.?In fact, some of the people in the study reported ghosting because they didn't want to hurt the other person's feelings -- and so better to say nothing at all, than to have the honest conversation.??
• Negative consequences on the "ghoster" and "ghostee."?Research points to negative consequences on mental and emotional health for ghosting. As Prof. Dubar writes: "Short term, many of those ghosted felt overwhelming rejection and confusion. They reported feelings of low self-worth and self-esteem. Part of the problem is the lack of clarity — not knowing why communication abruptly stopped.?Long term, our study found many of those ghosted reported feelings of mistrust that developed over time. Some bring this mistrust to future relationships."
• Long term negative effects for work and leadership.?Research also shows that for those who DO the ghosting, they may end up having growth and the ability to work effectively stunted over time. Here the theory is that ghosting starts to become a habit -- a way of engaging with and communicating with others, as though it's really the only way to deal with others in moments of conflict or when things are hard.

All of the findings in this research?underscore how important it is that we equip people in the workplace with the skills to communicate effectively -- especially to deliver and receive feedback honestly, and to manage conflict resolution effectively. Simply disappearing or avoiding feedback or conflict is the quickest way to a toxic work environment.

Simply telling someone not to ghost doesn't do the trick. This research shows the motivations behind it and the lack of skills to manage are critical in communicating better over time.

A few points from my own coaching and communications work may be helpful to keep in mind here:

• Being clear and direct is respectful. Being indirect is disrespectful. When we ghost, or are indirect because we are worried about hurting someone else's feelings, it's really a triple negative: first, the other person has to decipher what I'm trying to say and the meaning behind my vague?statements or silence. Second, they have to manage their own emotional reaction to my ghosting or indirect communication, and they have to manage MY emotions -- because clearly I feel uncomfortable being direct or up front.?Clear is kind, direct is respect.
• Especially in the professional context, thinking about communication as about relationship is really important. If you know you're in a long term relationship with the people you work with -- whether colleagues or outside consultants -- consider how your silence or disappearing may come across, and may affect your trust and credibility over the longer run.?Rarely do we interact with people at work in one instance, never to see them again. More often, we come into contact with them over time, so the more we can consider how to interact with them regularly -- not to just disappear or ignore -- the better.?
• When we have more skills and more practice communicating, we tend to have more confidence. Not only do we get better at communicating as thing we?do, but we also develop new habits and?feel?more comfortable navigating situations that aren't super smooth or easy.?Life and work occurs in the conflict and the awkward as much as in the smooth and pleasant.?So why not learn to navigate these moments a bit more easily?

Ghosting has proliferated?even since the pandemic. And we all owe it to ourselves to see that it comes from a place of toxicity and creates more toxicity. With communications skills, we can break the cycle and can all do a little bit better by each other.

If you or colleagues you know may be interested in exploring communications skills workshops this fall because you notice a lot of ghosting, or to help equip people with more skills in this area, please let me know. I'd be happy to chat about what that would look like.