Ghosting or when people who you like and trust don't reply

I'm sure we've all experienced ghosting.

There is a cultural assumption that the 'ghoster' is a 'bad' person. Since I don't believe anyone is 'bad' then I like to understand the motivation driving this.

(people do 'bad' things. I'm not naive or stupid! But they have their reasons and I find it more effective to explore motivations even if it takes more effort)

So I asked ChatGPT and I was pretty happy with the response.

What are the individual traits or psychological explanation for people who 'ghost' (i.e. don't reply with an answer to a question? This is specifically for people with whom I have a good relationship and trust.

When people you trust and have a good relationship with “ghost” you, it can feel puzzling and even hurtful. But there are various reasons for this behavior, often rooted in personal traits or psychological factors. Here are some possible explanations:

1. Avoidance Tendency

• Fear of Conflict or Discomfort: Some people are conflict-averse and may worry that their answer will lead to tension or disappointment. Rather than address a situation that might be challenging or uncomfortable, they may choose to avoid it altogether.
• Perfectionism or Overthinking: People who overthink their responses can get caught up in the fear of saying the “wrong” thing. This might lead them to delay responding or avoid it entirely, thinking they need to craft the “perfect” reply.

2. Cognitive Load or Overwhelm

• Mental Exhaustion: If someone is experiencing stress or overwhelm, even small tasks like replying to a message can feel burdensome. Ghosting might happen because they feel too mentally drained to engage, even though they value the relationship.
• Forgetfulness Due to Distraction: In a busy, distraction-filled environment, a person might initially read your message with the intention of replying, but they may get sidetracked and forget to follow up. This can happen even with well-intentioned people.

3. Fear of Rejection or Disappointing Others

• Guilt or Shame: If someone doesn’t have an answer to your question or doesn’t feel able to meet your expectations, they may avoid replying altogether. This could be a way to avoid feeling like they’ve let you down.
• Fear of Hurting You: They may believe their response will be hurtful or disappointing to you and choose not to respond as a way to “protect” you from bad news or a negative answer.

4. Lack of Emotional Energy

• Emotional Burnout: Similar to mental exhaustion, emotional burnout can make it difficult for people to engage in even basic social interactions. If they feel emotionally drained, they may not have the capacity to reply, even if they want to.
• Personal Issues: They might be dealing with personal issues, such as a family problem, health concern, or financial stress, which can overshadow their ability to communicate effectively.

5. Shifting Priorities or Interests

• Misalignment in Interest Levels: In some cases, someone may no longer prioritize the conversation or feel as engaged with the topic as they once did. While this may seem surprising in a trusting relationship, sometimes people’s interests or priorities change, leading to a drop-off in communication.

6. Implicit Boundaries or Need for Space

• Unconscious Boundary-Setting: Some people need a lot of personal space or may unconsciously avoid responding as a way to create distance. Even in close relationships, people sometimes need time to themselves to recharge.
• Desire for Control: Occasionally, ghosting might be a way for someone to retain a sense of control. By choosing when or whether to reply, they feel like they’re asserting autonomy over their time and energy.

These reasons don’t make ghosting okay, especially in close relationships, but they can offer some insight into why a trusted person might behave this way. If it happens often, it may be worth bringing it up in a non-confrontational way to better understand the behavior and maintain open communication.

One other possibility which arises from my coaching is that some people aren't always connected to their values.

For one client, doing the 'right thing' was very important. Once he realised this was not being served by leaving messages unanswered from friends he valued he was motivated to reply.

What do you think?