Ghosting: Unraveling a Complex Behavior

In the work I do I am often helping my clients make sense of situations where all of a sudden communication with another person suddenly ceases without any real explanation.

I too have experienced this personally and professionally (Mostly from decision makers in large organisations who engage my services, get a proposal and then… nothing but crickets), its bewildering, hurtful and often frustrating to the person who has been cut off and even if we have the mental complexity and emotional awareness to meet the demands of the situation, if the other person doesn’t then what we thought were meaningful relationships can suddenly slip away.

“The most painful goodbyes are the ones that are left unsaid and never explained.” — Jonathan Harnisch, Freak

Ghosting really is a bit of a head-scratcher in today's world and sadly it seems to be happening more and more. ??

If you’ve experienced it firsthand and wondered why people choose to ghost others, let me help you with some of the psychology behind this complex (and often hurtful) behavior.

?? Why Ghosting Happens:

Ghosting isn't just about a lack of communication skills on the part of the person doing the ghosting. It often stems from a mix of emotions, circumstances, emotional immaturity, and limited mental complexity (sometimes by both parties).

In this article I am predominately focusing on the ten common reasons why someone may have suddenly disappeared from your life. (The 'Ghoster' so to speak)

1. Lack of Maturity

Immature individuals might prioritise their own needs, feelings and comfort over the impact of their actions on others. This can sometimes occur on both sides of the Ghosting situation. For the ‘Ghoster’ sudden disconnection can seem like an easy way to avoid discomfort without considering the emotional toll it can take on the other person and for the ‘Ghosted’ they may be ignorant of the impact they are having on others.

2. Limited Mental Complexity

Some individuals struggle to fully grasp the impact of their actions on others due to limited interpersonal skills and inability to understand different perspectives, values and emotions.

3. Accountability Avoidance

Someone lacking maturity or mental complexity might struggle with taking responsibility for their actions. Ghosting provides an escape from facing the consequences of their behavior or explaining themselves.

4. Conflict Avoidance

Sometimes, the fear of confrontation or difficult conversations leads people to ghost. It's like hitting the "escape" button to avoid discomfort.

5. Uncertainty

When feelings are murky or they're unsure about the relationship's direction, ghosting can seem like a way to buy time and figure things out.

6. Digital Disconnect

In today's digital age, the emotional impact of ghosting might feel less real due to the impersonal nature of online communication. The growing need for instant replies may make you think you’ve been ghosted when someone has simply switched off.

7. Self-Protection

Individuals with low self-esteem or a fear of rejection might ghost as a defense mechanism to shield themselves from potential hurt.

8. Emotional Immaturity

Ghosting can arise from a lack of emotional maturity, making it challenging to navigate and communicate complex feelings and handle relationships with consideration.

9. Inexperience in Relationships

Individuals who are less experienced in navigating relationships might resort to ghosting as a coping mechanism simply because they haven't yet learned healthier ways to handle your behaviour. (a curse of our digital world)

10. Priorities Clash

Sometimes, juggling life's demands can become overwhelming, leading someone to unintentionally disconnect.

A Call for Empathy:

While ghosting might seem like an easy way out, in the long run it’s an uneducated approach that pulls humanity backwards.

If you use Ghosting as an approach, or you have been Ghosted, it's essential to reflect on the role you are playing in the situation and consider the emotions on the other side.

In the communication masterclasses I run we highlight the need to bring more curiosity, courage and compassion to our interactions and remembering that we're all human (yes we make mistakes - #apologise)

By dialing up these three approaches we can create stronger meaningful connections.

“The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving. I didn’t want to destroy anything or anybody. I just wanted to slip quietly out the back door, without causing any fuss or consequences, and then not stop running until I reached Greenland.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

Healthy Alternatives:

Instead of ghosting, build your emotional intelligence and mental complexity by trying some of these healthier ways to manage relationships:

1. Open Communication: Share your thoughts and feelings to help others better understand whats going on and collaborate on a resolution.

2. Setting Boundaries: It's okay to take space, but communicate that you need time or your needs have changed instead of disappearing. Share whats important to you in the situation and why you may need some time.

3. Honesty: If the connection isn't right, be upfront and respectful about your feelings.

4. Empathy: Put yourself in the other person's shoes—how would you want to be treated?

A Better Way:

Ghosting might be common, but it doesn't have to be the norm.

Respectful communication, empathy, and consideration for others should ideally be part of healthy interpersonal interactions, regardless of one's level of maturity or mental complexity.

I invite you join the movement that values communication, self awareness, understanding, and compassion.

By treating others the way we'd like to be treated, we can foster healthier connections and build a more empathetic world. ??