Ghosting??: A Modern Epidemic of Silence

At some point in your career or social life you will have likely been ghosted by someone - and it seems (well for me anyway) that this is happening more today where instant communication is at our fingertips—texts, DMs, emails, and even voice messages—it seems strange that people are still left hanging in digital silence.

Ghosting, the act of disappearing without a word, has become a frustratingly common experience. For some it happens in friendships, dating, or in this context professional relationships, the unanswered message lingers like a ghost that haunts the inbox, leaving the sender puzzled and often hurt. In my case, I am more frustrated and WTF then hurt.

So, why do people ghost? And more importantly, why has it become acceptable to ignore messages across multiple channels rather than offer a simple, honest response? Let’s unpack these questions and explore if this trend might be particularly prevalent in Aotearoa.

Why Do People Ghost?

1. Avoidance of Conflict? One of the main reasons I think people ghost is to avoid confrontation or discomfort. Saying “no” or rejecting someone, even politely, can feel awkward. Ghosting becomes the path of least resistance—if I just disappear, I won’t have to explain myself.
2. Emotional Discomfort? For some, being direct feels too emotionally heavy. I get that and understand. Even in professional contexts, I know a number of years ago I would shy away from giving honest feedback, worried about the persons response or how they might feel, fearing they might come off as harsh.
3. Overwhelm and Procrastination? In the digital world, inboxes overflow. When life feels overwhelming, people may put off replying with the best intentions—but procrastination turns into forgetting, and forgetting into ghosting ??. Ironically, ghosting often stems not from malice but from an inability to manage communication properly.
4. Social Norms Are Shifting > With the rise of online interactions, there’s less pressure to provide closure. In relationships built primarily over digital platforms, people feel less accountability. Without face-to-face consequences, the guilt associated with ignoring someone decreases.

Is Ghosting Worse in Aotearoa?

Ghosting certainly isn’t limited to Aotearoa, but the country’s cultural nuances might contribute to this behaviour in certain contexts. Us Kiwi are known for their "she’ll be right" attitude, which often involves avoiding confrontation and preferring to keep things light. This cultural tendency to avoid uncomfortable situations could explain why some people hesitate to respond directly, especially with a negative answer.

Additionally, our small size creates close-knit communities where people may cross paths repeatedly. This can make rejection feel riskier—if there’s a chance you’ll see the person again, perhaps at a work event or within a shared social circle, some might find it easier to just slip away quietly rather than risk an awkward future encounter.

The Fear of Saying No

Saying “no” is uncomfortable, particularly when people fear the reaction it may provoke. In professional settings, turning down someone’s proposal might seem like burning a bridge, and in personal relationships, rejecting someone could lead to emotional backlash. For some, ghosting feels like a safer way to avoid these consequences, even though it creates more harm in the long run.

The Emotional Toll of Ghosting

Ghosting is not a victimless act. When someone’s messages are ignored, they are left in a state of uncertainty— Did they say something wrong? Should they follow up? The lack of closure can trigger feelings of anxiety, insecurity, and frustration. Even in professional relationships, being ghosted can diminish trust and erode the sense of professionalism within industries. Who has experienced this in a recruitment process? ??♂???♂???♂???♂???♂???♂?

What’s the Alternative?

What if we were all more honest and direct? What if we gave people the courtesy of a response, even if that response isn’t what they want to hear? A polite, respectful message saying, “Thanks for reaching out, but I’m not interested” or “I appreciate the offer, but I’ll pass this time” goes a long way in maintaining trust and mutual respect.

What's the worse that could happen...

It takes courage to be honest, especially when the truth might disappoint. But honesty builds stronger relationships and sets clear expectations. The more we normalise giving honest feedback, the easier it becomes for everyone.

Changing the Culture of Ghosting in Aotearoa

Addressing ghosting is not about forcing people to reply to every message but about fostering a culture of respect, clarity, and kindness. As we continue to navigate digital communication, it’s worth reflecting on how our actions—or inactions—affect others. Aotearoa prides itself on community spirit and collective responsibility. Applying these values to our interactions, even the difficult ones, will help shift us away from the impersonal silence that ghosting brings.

In the end, ghosting isn’t just a behaviour—it reflects how we navigate relationships, manage discomfort, and communicate in an increasingly digital world.

My approach is by choosing honesty over avoidance, so I can foster deeper connections and respect to the people I engage with, whether online or offline.

I believe we should aim for a society where communication—whether positive or negative—feels safe, clear, and respectful.

Because everyone deserves the dignity of a response. Well that is how I feel.

Thoughts> ?