On Ghosting

Let's talk about ghosting because I'd bet my bottom dollar that you've been ghosted AND?ghosted things/people yourself.

Ghosting has two scenarios. First and most commonly, ghosting is?the abrupt end of a relationship with little to no warning. Additionally, I believe there is also a level of ghosting I call "The Shady Ghost," which is the uncharacteristic "not doing of something" by someone you have a healthy relationship with.

Let's break down both scenarios:

Scenario A - The Abrupt End of a Relationship

I've had to end a relationship, or three, with little to no warning because the energy was becoming so toxic that I had to protect my peace and personal boundaries. If you have ever been in a relationship with a narcissist, be it a parent, sibling, partner, or friend, the big thing to know is that you can't "change" them. That's like trying to change the weather in Chicago. (impossible) So, the only and?best way to deal with a narcissistic relationship is to take the ball and go home. This means you stop playing the game and decide the priority is to protect yourself.

PS:?If you are dealing with or suspect you are dealing with a narcissist in your life,?this podcast episode?from Mel Robbins with Dr. Ramani Durvasula is GOLD.

I've also?been?ghosted. I have two scenarios specifically that stand out. First, when I quit smoking. People stopped hanging out with me at work or inviting me to things because I was no longer "one of them," but the truth of the matter was that we were no longer "smoking buddies" but also that this version of me held up a mirror to what they couldn't yet do for themselves. It was easier for them to ghost our friendship than to face quitting the nasty habit.

Scenario B - The Shady Ghost

I've had friends not attend a funeral to support someone they love because they either were afraid of that same loss happening in their own life or didn't know how to handle the trauma of the situation.

• Maybe it's a divorce, and you lose friends because they don't know how to pick sides.
• Maybe it's a big promotion you make at work, and you are suddenly no longer invited out for lunch or drinks by work colleagues who now report to you.
• Maybe it's falling in love, and you lose friends because you no longer like going out to bars every weekend.

No matter how you slice and dice it, people will ghost. People will disappoint you. People will get scared.

• It takes guts to counsel someone through a divorce while also trying to see both sides.
• It takes courage to help a friend beat a disease and visit them in the hospital.
• It takes grit to walk through the fire with someone who has just lost someone they love and to hold their hand at the funeral.
• It takes commitment to love a friend when they change and grow into a better version of themselves.

As you get stronger in your love for yourself, these acts of fear by people you love will hurt less.

You will realize people are flawed and scared and not perfect. You must be okay that you could lose some relationships along the way and that people may ghost you.

Bless them and move on.

ASSIGNMENT

Knowledge is power. Here are some ideas to help you in either scenario.

How to avoid being ghosted

Dealing with being ghosted can make you question yourself. While it’s probably not about you, it’s still a good idea to check in and take an honest inventory of how you show up with others. The next time you meet someone, you may find it helpful to try the following:

• taking good care of yourself first, always.
• ask?good questions
• be?upfront about your expectations
• set strong boundaries
• make?more in-person plans
• become familiar with your?love language
• pace?the early part of a relationship
• declutter your relationship queue (quality vs. quantity)

Tips for handling being ghosted

It may hurt a little while, but remember that you’ll get through this.?

• Face reality.?Not all relationships last forever, and that’s ok.
• Allow your feelings.?No matter what you feel, it’s valid.
• Amp up your self-care.?Journal. Walk it out. Hit the gym. All dope ways to cope.
• Avoid dwelling.?Beware the shame spiral. Remember, it’s not about you; it’s all about their lack of capacity.
• Don’t contact them.?If you’ve tried to no avail, it’s time to let go.
• Talk with someone.?Therapy can work wonders. I call it #HappyHour
• Don’t isolate yourself.?Don’t be afraid to get back out there.