Ghosting Can Come Back to Haunt You – Here’s Why and How to Avoid It

A client who’s raved about my work throughout a relationship spanning multiple years has unceremoniously stopped answering my emails. A prospective client who has promised to move forward with my proposal suddenly cut off all communication. A long-time colleague seems to have fallen off the face of the earth.

Yup, I’ve been ghosted, and I’ll bet you have, too. Here I define “ghosting” as the practice of ignoring or severing a business relationship by suddenly withdrawing from all communication, usually with no explanation or apology.

What makes someone decide that it’s okay to simply cease all communications, especially after a long-standing relationship? What message are we getting when we’re on the receiving end, and what recourse does the “ghostee” have, if anything?

·???????Ghosting is easy. Rather than facing up to what can be a difficult conversation, some people find simply deleting messages or voicemails to be a less messy alternative than having to deal with disappointment and hurt feelings. If we don’t see the impact, it’s not real to us. (If a tree falls in the forest and there’s no one there to hear….)

·???????Empathy seems harder to come by. When most communications take place from a distance, it can be harder to cultivate empathy for others, making it easier to shut the door on a relationship that no longer serves us. Example: My friend Lynn, who runs a local fitness center, recently had an employee disappear.?He sent a confirming text to Lynn that he would be returning from vacation on a Saturday as planned. On Friday, he texted that he wasn't feeling well, but would “definitely” be there on Sunday. They never heard from him again, despite multiple calls from an increasingly worried staff. Clearly, he was not considering the impact on Lynn, her staff, his clients, or his professional reputation when he chose to simply disappear, rather than admit he no longer wanted the job.

·???????Precedence has been set. If you’ve ever interviewed for a job or assignment that you’ve been led to believe you’d be perfect for, and then never heard back from the hiring manager, you’ve been ghosted. If you’re a hiring manager who extends an offer to a prospective employee, and then never gets a response back from the candidate, you too have been ghosted. Such behavior has become so commonplace that it’s become somehow acceptable, perhaps because so many people have come to view interactions as transactions to be processed as efficiently as possible, rather than relationships to be cultivated.

·???????Beware the serial ghosters. A typical serial ghoster is that person in your professional circle who repeatedly asks for time on your calendar, and when you email to confirm, you hear….nothing. You may eventually get a half-hearted apology about how “crazy busy” they’ve been, asking to reschedule. Reluctantly you agree, and then hear nothing back, until a few months later when they reach out yet again. Resist the temptation to ghost them in return, and instead, let them know why you’re choosing to pass up the opportunity to schedule time with them again. This could be a teachable moment.

·??????Acknowledge your own ghosting behavior. Rather than feeling guilty about ignoring yet another email from someone whose relationship you value, acknowledge that you dropped the ball, and apologize. If you’ve been juggling a million things, let them know when you expect to come up again for air. If you’re not intending to go further with a job candidate or vendor, do them a kindness and let them know, gently and unambiguously.

·??????Ghosting can come back to haunt you. Whether the ghosting is intentional or not, it leaves a negative perception on the part of the person who’s not hearing back from you. A peer you ghosted 10 years ago could be your boss in the future. A vendor you ghosted a few years ago could be a decision-maker you’re trying to win over today. The bridges you burn today by ghosting someone may come back to haunt you down the road.

·???????Decide how (or whether) to pursue those who ghost you. This is tough, since you have no idea why this person has cut you off, or whether it was intentional. If your usual mode of communication has been email, try a different mode, like phone or a private LinkedIn message. I’ve resorted to email subject lines like: Should I put this on the back burner for now? Or, Hope everything is okay? And sometimes we just need to let time pass, or simply walk away—not a very satisfying conclusion to a relationship that took time to build, but sometimes it’s our only option.

No one wants to have those difficult conversations where we need to let the other person know it’s time to end the relationship. Even though it may seem easier to simply cut someone off, you’ll feel much better about yourself if you summon up the courage to express your intentions, along with your rationale, and acknowledge the impact this will have on the other person.

?? When’s the last time you’ve been ghosted, and what did you do about it?