Ghosted, Aired & Stood Up (on Zoom)

Ghosting “The practice of suddenly ending all contact with a person without explanation"

Airing: "To ignore or blank someone"

People generally divide into two categories. Those able to say no to people and those who prefer to avoid doing so, at least if they can possibly help it. The latter group end up avoiding you if they'd rather not say yes to your request.

Are you someone who would end a relationship by going cold and silent, or did you do the whole 'let's meet over a drink' and let me gently relay the bad news...'it's not you, it's me'? I was firmly in the latter camp, no matter how painful it was to be in that position, and that is probably why I now don't really understand why some people find it so hard to simply say 'no, thanks, I'm not interested'.

When it comes to work communication I have two basic rules. If you email me and I don't know you, I won't respond. If I did respond to unsolicited mail I would do little else. However, if you email me, and we've had a prior relationship I will respond. There are a few caveats to this. One is with people who I've not met but connected with on LinkedIn who want to keep up an ongoing conversation, via messaging, where sometimes the thread literally falls out of view or I feel I have given enough previous responses, or enough of my time and I'll possibly just let that go.

Connecting with someone on LinkedIn is an interesting etiquette. If someone accepts an invitation to connect and then you message them and they, subsequently, air you, you do wonder why they accepted the connection in the first place!? It might have been better not to have bothered, as that is surely the point of it all - to connect and then to network. So if I accept a connection request and then get a message pinged over to me - and I then think to myself, I don't really want to engage with this, I remind myself to be more mindful in future with my choices.

When we move into a sphere of work, such as sales or content development, where we need to rely on other people to advance our business goals, one has no other choice than to reach out. And when, like me, you have over a long period of time built up a huge network, you start with the people you know. But this comes with some baggage, because if you haven't kept in touch along the way much to ask about their kids, sports team, pet dog or partner, then an out-of-the-blue request for help may not necessarily be greeted wholeheartedly. I understand this, but you still need to get in front of people and the whole point of contacts is that they are...er...contacts! Not somebody else's contacts, but your contacts. Contacts you've built up through a long-term investment in your own career. You can't exactly not go to them.

When, a couple of years ago, I started out on a new path that was to require a fair bit of networking and favour-asking, I was somewhat reticent to knock on old doors, but I pushed past those feelings as quickly as possible. What I found was that on my initial contact people responded really quickly and were super helpful. Then when I wanted them to look at a pitch or read a script or assess a project, they were also willing and helpful, on the whole. But I was soon to find out that there is a sort of tacit credit system at play, and if you don't hit the jackpot in the first or second attempt then you might find that the machine eventually stops taking your quarters.

I recently discussed this with someone who is in a similar position to me, but a few years ahead on the path, and he reckoned that you had just one real shot at an old contact, to someone who was now in an elevated or influential position, someone that could be very favourable to your cherished venture or proposal. This may well be true. I guess it somewhat depends on how well you knew them previously and how much quality time you spent together. Now, I have generally had good relationships with past co-workers - there are a few exceptions of course - but as I consider myself to be someone with at least a little 'edge', that is to be expected. If you never crossed anyone, you were probably operating on a bit too much of a magnolia level.

The mistake one can make, when first in a position to need to reach out to people, is to back the wrong horse. Especially if you are really only going to get this 'one shot'. And this is something I did, somewhat in my haste, when I first started out trying to get interest in content proposals. It's a sort of 'cry wolf' situation. So when you find yourself with something that's really promising, you might suddenly start to get the airing, and then, even worse, you find yourself 'ghosted'.

I had a very promising start with a friendly ex colleague at a platform and they were really supportive, but the project was ultimately rejected and, upon going back a few more times with subsequent projects, the day came when I no longer got any responses at all. I understand why this might happen. You can't keep rejecting proposals from old contacts, no matter how much you might like them personally, but ghosting people doesn't really help, as sooner or later you'll end up next to each other in the queue to get your coat at an event and then it will be suddenly super-awkward. So would it not be better to just say something? I'd have much rather have had some sort of 'thanks Jon, but I'm not really looking for any new proposals right now, let's catch up again in six months and I'll let you know if I'm looking for anything - best of luck until then'. If they cared enough to initially be bothered then why would they suddenly want you out of their (work) life, forever?

I have had similar instances with other close old colleagues who have even asked for more details on a project and then fallen into the dreaded ghosting territory. It can leave one feeling rejected, bewildered and potentially even depressed. And when we are all supposed to be a bit more mindful of each others mental health, airing and ghosting is really unhelpful and potentially also detrimental and damaging.

Now, I am not saying that anyone owes me anything, no, not at all. All I am asking for is a response within a reasonable time-frame and a bit of plain honesty. In the end it helps both parties to be open. It's also a basic code of conduct that's anchored in ethics. Nobody is that busy all the time. Especially if I see that they have been tweeting or updating their LinkedIn in the period that they haven't got back to me. This week alone I have been aired, ghosted and even stood up on a zoom - stood up by someone who even suggested the time and date! But, to quote Elton John, "I'm Still Standing".

So, let's all be polite and decent to each other when it comes to communicating, especially with our past colleagues, and not resort to being rude. And if I know you, and I've not got back to you over something, all I can say is that it must have slipped my mind and I humbly apologise!