The ghost in the woods

Have you ever been talking to someone and they have a very clear recollection of something that you know did not happen? This is one of the many causes of conflict in both work and personal relationships.??

‘…but you said you’d be in charge of that project…’?

‘no I didn’t, you said you would be…’?

How does this happen???

Your memory is utterly fallible. Our memories consist of a 50/50 split of what actually happened at the time the memory was made and what mood we are in when we remember it. So if you talk about a memory and you’re feeling negative when you do, the memory becomes more negative. The reverse is true; if you are feeling positive when you recall it, or you are able to reframe the negative memory positively (for example. That situation was awful, but I learnt this valuable lesson), the memory lightens. I use this natural technique to help clients work through difficult memories by changing them. It’s one reason why therapy that involves just talking about your problems, doesn’t work so well.???

What’s also interesting is that we can create memories that never happened. We have amazing imaginations and memory is not something that the brain can differentiate between reality and fantasy. So again, we can mess with memory.??

When I was about 13 I was sent off to live with my best friend in a village. The idea was that I would gain access to a really good secondary school and as I struggled to make friends. I would have my best friend there already to back me up. I loved it and it was likely the most normal year of my life. One day, my friend and I were sent off to a little wood that was just across a field from the house. We took a wheelbarrow with us to fill with wood for the open fire in the house. Being a city girl, I found woods a bit scary. My imagination would fire off with the sounds of nature.???

For some reason, I decided to make up that I had seen a ghost in the trees. I have literally no idea why I did this! It was probably to express the discomfort and spookiness I was feeling. I didn’t regularly lie. Anyway, I made up (very unimaginatively) a woman with long hair and a white dress – honesty, I can’t believe I was so dull in this description! I described her to my friend and pointed to her. This absolutely terrified my friend… and, in the process… myself.??

Even though I knew absolutely that I had entirely made her up. I could see her in my imagination as I pretended to look at her and frightened myself!? Looking back, it’s hilarious, really. My friend and I tore across the fields, bouncing the wheelbarrow in front of us with bits of carefully collected wood flying out. Near the house, which backed onto the field, we dumped the wheelbarrow and threw ourselves over the fence, ran screaming into her bedroom and hid under the covers, now in fits of hysterical laughter tinged with relief we were home. We laughed about it for years.??

Even now, writing it I can see the ‘ghost’ in my memory because I created a fake memory inside a real memory when I did it. The heightened emotion at the time made this a ‘memory’ that my mind thought it was wise to hang on to. – I still don’t go in the woods alone.??

So next time someone flat out denies knowledge of an agreement or past experience. They may well be telling the truth. Their truth.??

And remember, it maybe your mind, that just made it up!??

With this in mind, with important things. Put them in writing, in calendars, any method of defining who is responsible. That way when the bins aren’t put out or the project isn’t completed. You have proof!??