Getting your self-talk right in sport and life

Not so long ago, I spent a few summers acting in the position of tennis parent. It wasn't a full-time job, but weekends were busy, especially when the tournaments fired up. These long summer tournament days were burnt into my memory. Most Perth tennis clubs are not set up to accommodate spectators, so you must find your perch somewhere out of the blazing sun, hopefully under a thick tree and close to a drinking tap with a flat spot for your camping chair.

I often watched junior games as I traversed the perimeter of various tennis clubs around Perth, looking for my spot in the shade. It amazed me how accomplished eleven-year-olds could become at sports and how intensely self-critical they could be. Tennis is such an intense game. Especially when the ball keeps coming back, and you have to make one more shot. When the semi-finals came, and under more pressure, certain players would start talking out loud to themselves. They would say things like: "You can't even get a ball in", "why are you so bad at tennis!" and "You're such a loser".

Interestingly, some of these young players spoke to themselves in the second person voice. They didn't say, "I am so bad"; they said, "You are so bad". It was like there were two voices in their head. One was a player focused on returning the ball, and two was a critic who commented negatively on the player's actions. Contending with this critic seemed to add an extra adversary to the game. That's quite a lot to deal with when you are eleven.

I wondered about these two voices - the player and the critic. I asked where the critic hailed from. Who did they represent? A convenient answer is that the critical voice is the internalised voice of an authority figure - the parent or the coach. That's an excellent Freudian explanation. In some cases, it seemed highly plausible. I have seen that overly involved parents create the stimulus of pressure and expectation that changes how a child experiences the joy of sport. The child ends up playing not to disappoint the parent rather than enjoy the game. But, mystifyingly enough, I did notice that some easy-going parents and friendly coaches also had kids with tyrannical inner critics. Where did those harsh voices come from? Perfectionist tendencies? Personality?

After thinking about it for some time, I came to appreciate that regardless of the origins of the inner critic, these young players were demonstrating the dynamic of negative self-talk, which seemed to have a detrimental impact on performance. The stress and criticism would often be too much to bear, and they would lose focus. Moreover, from a broader perspective, within the adult world, this negative self-talk didn't just occur on the tennis court; it was a constant companion in most people's lives. We just don’t notice it or its potential damage. Maybe we mistake it for the truth.

Do you engage in self-talk? Is it negative or positive? Do you think it's helpful or hindering? I have noticed that I talk to myself throughout the day. It's not the kind of thing to worry about. It’s more like a voice-over in a documentary. I have noticed it most when it is negative. When I present to people in leadership programs, it has a lot to say. It says things like, they're bored. That didn't work. Occasionally, the voice panics and wants to abandon ship. This voice is anaphylactic. In trying to protect me, it turns against me, and I have to calm it down. Hold off your conclusions until the car ride home, I say. I've noticed a few glitches with this voice. It's stuck on a playlist of quiet critique. Most of its comments are non-statistical. It generalises from one person's frown that everyone is sad. That's bad science. This inner voice is not a reliable barometer of reality.

But I'm not alone. Negative self-talk seems to play a prominent part in the lives of many leaders. Some people call it the imposter syndrome. A colleague joked that the imposter syndrome only affects the competent. I have had the privilege of debriefing many leaders on 360 feedback data about their leadership. Many of the most cherished leaders I have worked with have outrageously critical views of themselves, contrasting starkly against the perceptions of the people they serve. Sadly, they cannot fully appreciate the difference they make in the lives of the people they serve. Instead, they live with a quiet fear of not hitting the mark. If you are going to be a good leader, you might as well enjoy it!

But is all negative self-talk bad? Negative self-talk can stimulate productivity. I have noticed loads of young people hitting the gym hard and eating healthily because they are worried about what people might think. The outcome is good but the motivation is worrying. I know of a few people who have achieved great things professionally because they were motivated by fear and criticism. Negative self-talk can be generative but it comes at a significant cost. Achieving great things but being constantly bullied by yourself is a high price to pay. And I’m sure, for all its unwitting benefits, we can do better.

Let’s consider sports performance. Psychologists have mixed feelings about self-talk. They are not fans of toxic positivity. And athletes need to have high expectations of themselves. Van Raalte et al. (2017) commented that "negative self-talk increases motivation and performance in some circumstances but is generally detrimental to sports performance". ? Weinberg (2017) said negative self-talk is not destructive if it "serves a facilitative function". She argues that you have to "identify when the behaviour is no longer helping performance and when it begins to be a hindrance".

To ensure self-talk has a constructive function, Dan Abrahams (2012) encourages athletes to stop listening to themselves and start talking to themselves constructively. He wants athletes to develop skills that trigger a constructive style of self-talk that enhances your performance. Don’t say, “You're useless”; give productive feedback to yourself that says, “fast and aggressive", "on your toes", "springy, like a leopard". Prepare yourself to talk yourself in moments you know you will find hard. But don’t turn against yourself through relentless self-criticism and create the stress that undermines your self-confidence.

When working with leaders who struggle with negative self-talk, I have asked leaders to visualise how they would talk to someone they cared about in the same situation. Lo and behold, they are kind, helpful and strategic. Sometimes, we imagine this person as a constructive parent. If you make a mistake, they might say: “next one”, “go again” or “you've got this”. I'm not suggesting you engage in self-delusion. This isn’t helpful. I am suggesting that you actively work to develop a constructive voice. A voice that takes you closer to your goals. You already know how this inner voice sounds. You can hear it when you comfort a distressed friend or a sad child. The challenge is to internalise that voice and allow it to support you as you take on challenging tasks which take you closer to your potential.?

References

Abrahams D. (2012).?Soccer tough: Simple football psychology techniques to improve your game. Bennion Kearny.

The Greek Herald. (2022). https://greekherald.com.au/sports/nick-kyrgios-australian-publics-lack-of-respect-behind-davis-cup-snub/

Van Raalte, J. L., & Vincent, A. (2017). Self-talk in sport and performance. In?Oxford research encyclopaedia of psychology.

Van Raalte, J. L.,?Brewer, B. W.,?Cornelius, A. E., &?Petitpas, A. J.?(2006). Self-presentational effects of self-talk on perceptions of tennis players.?Hellenic Journal of Psychology, 3, 134–149.

Weinberg, M (2017). Why tennis players can’t stop talking to themselves https://www.thenewdaily.com.au/sport/tennis/2017/01/22/tennis-players-self-talking

Weinberg, M (2015). Challenge the way you think about how you feel | Dr Melissa Weinberg | TEDxDocklands

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