Getting your ducks in a row.
Matthew Sutcliffe
Writing, rhyming, drawing and telling the truth at the Fertile Void café Talking about the joy of being human and achieving less. Living in an online and real life village, with a small but perfectly formed dog, Ziggy.
Leaders need (self-)love too
We grow up learning not to put ourselves first.?
“Think of others.”?
“I want never gets. “
“He who comes first comes last.”
All too often, as children, we learned to leave our own wants, needs, and desires aside. We were taught - and it was our experience - that we can only be OK when everyone else is. So we get used to ignoring what we want. As a child, we didn’t have the resources to do much else. It’s a pattern we carry into our adult lives, repeating and believing that by putting others’ needs first and suppressing our own, we are being “good”.?
This suppression of ourselves happens so fast that we can be almost entirely unaware of our needs. We’re just left with a vague, unexpressed feeling of dissatisfaction. Over time this chronic, unsatisfied internal state can lead to depression, anxiety, and from there to physical conditions - tiredness, chronic pain, and disease. In an effort to overcome this unfulfilled state, we can make less-than-helpful life choices - in the jobs we do, the relationships we choose to stay with, and the habits that we form and rely on.
Some of us become rescuers. Others develop into people pleasers. Then some adapt by being Superman or Superwoman - indispensable and inexhaustible. The rest of us just wouldn't manage if they were not there to sort things out and only they know how to do things right.
Being the good boss.
You can feel that you're doing “the right thing” through your selfless or heroic behaviour. And sometimes you could be right - providing you’re not neglecting your own needs and wants as part of the bargain. It’s well established these days that remote and autocratic leadership styles don’t work for long - if they work at all.
As a committed leader, you care about and for your team. You know that you won’t achieve your goals sustainably without an empathic and compassionate approach to people, recognising their humanity, their needs, their struggles - and their limits.
When you take on the role of a senior leader there are so many areas that you need to be aware of and proactive about – vision, strategic planning, communications, motivation, and team performance, not to mention getting the results.?
You constantly look around and ask good questions: who’s doing what; is it on target; are the right resources in place; is everyone clear on the plan??
And that’s all great… but what about you?
Being the best you - by looking after you
You need rest, recharging and nourishment too. You need feedback, encouragement, time and space to be aware of how you are doing. Without that, you can become depleted, lacking in energy and without the resources to be an effective leader of your team anyway.
You deserve this, You are part of your team - not “just its leader”. No one else is more worthy and deserving of your time, compassion and care than you are.
Self-care - putting your own needs first - is not the same as being selfish, arrogant, or egotistic. Self-care means recognising your own needs, wants, and desires - including time and space for just you.?
Being a great leader - differently.?
The most successful leaders nurture their development. They choose to change by becoming aware of the patterns and habits they used to follow without thinking.
You can change, too, by giving your attention to
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You may not have thought that paying attention to all of these aspects is an integral part of being a great leader. You can do it for yourself. There are seemingly unending supplies of self-help books, videos, courses and “guaranteed” life-changing experiences for you to explore. the trouble is they are written for and targeted at people in general - not you in particular. This is why many very successful leaders have enlisted the help of an experienced and skilful coach to walk beside them as they travel from the shadow of their suppressed life to the sunshine of openness and inner peace, being fully present in each precious moment of their life.
Big decision - engaging with a coach.*
So while you’re contemplating that step, here are a few simple, practical ideas that may help you to see how helping yourself can be effortless:
Include time just for you
If you can, wake up early and take your time getting ready for your day. Take a few minutes for formal mindfulness and meditation. Quiet time with a cuppa. Review tasks and schedules for the day, before you start.?
Set aside time for a walk; the movement of your body is deeply connected to the functioning of your mind. Listen to some music - allowing the demanding cognition processes to go offline and recover. Take a few minutes to check your personal, not-work correspondence.
Plan these times for each day so you don’t forget to do them. Unless something out of the ordinary comes up (which happens, we know it does) don’t “cancel” these appointments with your own needs.
Let people know what you need for yourself.
(Tip: This includes letting yourself know!)
When a friend rings for a chat and you need some space, instead of answering and talking immediately, send a text along the lines of?“…love to chat with you very soon, just finishing off what I’m doing, can I call you back around 5?” (or whatever time suits you).?
Interruptions from colleagues can happen at any time - it’s all work, isn’t it? They want to talk about something important to them and you don’t want to be hard to access. But that “open door” policy may not be ideal timing for you: suggest an alternative time - and stick to it. This way you stay focussed on what’s good for you right now. Which is usually good for your team.
Establish a routine?
Build in time for relaxation by letting your friends and family know that you won’t be available between 6 and 7:30, for example.
Your time is important, of course, you’re the leader. Time for yourself matters as part of this. If you act like it’s ok for others to disturb you at any time, you're showing others that you don’t matter as much as they do. And that's simply not true.?
Learn to be selfish.?
Not mean-spirited, not careless of others. Just add a little self-care to your life and experience the difference. And if none of that works, you can always call me.?
*Don’t simply decide to take on a coach. Just explore the idea and notice as you do how you feel about the prospect of someone walking alongside you whose only agenda is your success. That’s why there’s no charge for that first call. And this is the only “sales pitch” you’ll encounter.