Getting the wind knocked out of you!

The whole world is reeling under the 3rd or is it the 4th wave of COVID-delta/omicron??There is ?much talk about the mental health crisis that COVID and the lock downs have wrecked upon young children, adolescents and?young adults in their 30s . And as always ageism ?has left out people above 50 out of ?the discussion of how to deal with this mental health crisis.

Between July 2019 and now I got the wind knocked out of me several times and I am still struggling to breathe normally. I lost three people closest to me during this time- my mother, Gitti and her husband Werner- my German friends of over 35 years. Before I could start to ?face the void left by these people in my life , came the ‘lock downs’ and with it the Government diktat that people above the age of 50 were not to attend lab. work and had to stay home. I was just then planning a peaceful exit from my research work of nearly 35 years ?and transit to a ‘flexi emeritus Professor’ status where I?had?imagined I would work with young students and teach interesting courses that would mean learning new subjects from my part. I thought since I would have no pressure of writing proposals for grants or publishing papers for assessment , I was going to enjoy helping junior colleagues to crack their research problems and help them write interesting grant proposals. I imagined my new lecture classes filled with enthusiastic students merrily participating in discussions. I had dreamt of working with different student groups on new interdisciplinary projects.

COVID 19 lock downs nearly ?took the sail out of my enthusiasm. Unceremoniously , I was asked to stay home, forget about any research work in ?my lab. of 33 years.?Till then, I had had wonderful interactions with my research students and was passionate about teaching and I think most of students did like attending my lectures. I did realize that the new phase of ‘emeritus professor’ didn’t mean an actual end of my career- but a beginning of a new , more flexible phase with the use of my time and my relationships-both professional and personal. But the speed and the manner with which it was thrust on me was definitely?not by choice.?This stress?has been disturbing, and it seems to have created an enormous hole in my sense of purpose and self worth. I lost nearly total connect with my colleagues of 25 years or more overnight. Some of their students who had sought my professional help during their research days still contacted me when they had difficulty writing up a thesis chapter or a paper. But as far the rest- I could have been chapter from the old syllabus that had disappeared in the new course of studies!

Who am I now? I struggled for a while trying to figure out how to validate myself without the link to my career as a researcher.?

I didn’t want to give up that easily. I continued learning new skills online -?completed diplomas in psychotherapy and counselling, Science communication,?Italian level I and WHO course on Research ethics. I was a resource person with the German Academic Exchange program (DAAD) helping in Project proposal Writing workshop for graduate students from SAARC countries. I sat as a panelist for discussions on NEP2020 and its implications to DAAD and German University systems. I became an editorial board member for the German alumni network magazine online contributing articles on science and public policy matters. ?I volunteered as a teacher for ?a local government school teaching online ?high school science and maths. I wrote and posted on Linkedin about research and science matters.

Meanwhile I prepared lecture materials on Research publications and ethics and on science communication. I tried my hand at creating cartoon strips to explain simple concepts in physics all the time hoping the lockdowns would ease and I would get back to my teaching and interaction with the young students.

I had been someone who loved reading fiction, had listened to all kinds of music during my active research career, watched documentaries on BBC while enjoying my career as a scientist . I complained then that I didn’t find enough time to do all the things I wanted to do-learn to paint, write a science book for children, travel to distant places with my husband and so on.?

The extra time, I have been getting to spend with my spouse is definitely helping us to have new shared interests about movies on Netflix, about reading political essays and discussing them and about?trying new recipes.

Having said that, now the joy of unstructured time which seemed exciting at the beginning seems a burden. Without the structure of work and my research I seemed?to be floundering. But I have come to realize that I need to take care of my emotional well-being and this needs a plan. I’m not interested in people’s advice on “get a hobby”?or volunteering. I have done all that. Instead, I have decided to take some time to reflect on what has sustained me emotionally about my work life and then try to see if I could get those needs fulfilled.

Now, I am a part time research consultant and mentor in a University helping young research students find their way through project proposals, helping them write grant proposals, helping them design new experiments in some areas which I am now learning for the first time. I am also trying to find that missing sense of purpose. Like the students I am trying to help, I guess I also have to learn to do things that give me a purpose, where I feel I am contributing meaningfully and also have a social connect !