Getting unstuck!

Are you stuck? Sometimes I get stuck, caught in a loop, and getting out of it isn’t obvious. If it were obvious, I’d do it! Right?

If you’re stuck, and have done something to try to get unstuck, this real conversation I recently had (name isn’t real, though) will throw some light on why you might be stuck, and an idea of how to move forward.

------------------------------------------------------------

“Money money money money,” she says, “I’m kindof embarrassed to bring this up, again, because I really want to discuss my team, but I’m frustrated and upset because I’m pretty sure I'm not getting paid enough.”

“Alright, let's talk about money then,” I say. “What's frustrating you?”

“Well, like I was saying, I work hard, I’m dedicated, but the money isn’t coming, not as much as I expect, anyway.”

“So what’s your plan?” I ask the obvious question. “Oh, and what have you already done?”

“I’ve checked, and my salary is above average for the market. I’ve already asked for a raise, and have been planning what I’ll say to my Roger, but I’ve already said all that. I’m out of ideas.”

“All right Tanya,” I reply, “since you’ve already taken action, are you open to approaching this from a different angle?"

"Specifically, I’m thinking that you’ve tried changing the outer world, what if we look at your inner world, too? You up for that?”

“Sure,” she says.”

“So, OK, imagine that money is a being,” I say, “what does this being look like?”

She’s looking at me right in the eyes, her head tilted slightly left, “I don't get what you're asking me,” she says. “Money is a being??”

“Just go with me on this,” I say, “if money is a being what would it be? Like, would it be male or female?”

She’s staring for a long, silent minute. And now her eyes close.

“It's a man,” she whispers loudly.

“Terrific,” I quietly say back, “please describe him to me?”

She’s squirming a bit, not yet comfortable with this approach. But she’s playing along.

“He's tall and skinny.”

“Give me more details, please?”

“He looks familiar…” her voice trails off.

“So what does he look like,” I ask again. “Is he bald, does he wear glasses, does he have facial hair?”

“Well,” her voice still trailing, “I think this is my dad.”

“Yeah,” she says more forcefully, “it’s my dad.” Her mouth is down turned.

Tanya’s eyes open, “Honestly Eric, this is a bit weird. It's actually uncomfortable for me to think about him. We left on really bad terms and he’s not somebody that I want to be with. My dad and I haven’t talked in years. Having this image in my mind is uncomfortable!”

“Well, Tanya, this image of your dad is what comes up when you think about money, right?”

“Yes,” she fidgets, “when I really think about how I see and feel money, his face shows up.”

“Now really focus within, Tanya, does anything else come up when you think about money as a being?”

“Nothing else, just my dad.” She says, a sad note in her voice.

“And how do you feel when you think about your dad?” I ask.

“He was mean to me! I want to punch him in the face, and make it go away.”

Her eyes fly open wide and she’s looking me.

I see surprise, clarity, and realization.

“Oh, my god! When I think of money and it’s my dad, I don't want him in my life, I don’t want this energy in my life, this relationship is toxic and I keep pushing it away.” She’s quiet for a few seconds.

“Oh no,” she says, “I can't believe it. I work hard, but I push money away.”

We sit in silence.

“Stephen Covey once said, Tanya, that you can’t change the fruit without changing the root.”

“If you want a different outcome,” I continue, “you’ve got to change your mindset. And now you’re aware that how you feel about money, your relationship to it, is working against you, against your wish to have more of it.”

“Well,” she says after a moment, “how can I have a different relationship?”

“So Tanya,” I ask, “are you ready to change the way you relate to money?”

“Yes,” she answers effortlessly.

“Let’s start by replacing your inner partner, by choosing a different being that represents money.”

I continue, “Describe someone that you’d like to be with. Who is someone that makes you feel happy and that you want to spend time together.”

“I don't know,” she's fatigued, “I'm stuck”.

“OK, how ‘bout the basics, male of female?” I ask.

Tanya’s eyes are closed again, “it’s a woman.”

“Young or old,” I continue

“she’s about ten years younger than me.” And Tanya flows on, “I can see that she’s confident, warm, funny, and she adores me.” Now Tanya is smiling.

“Tell me more about your connection,” I request.

“She appreciates me. She actually likes my tenacity and she sees my big heart. In fact, when I’m with her, I feel seen, cared for, and appreciated.”

Tanya’s eyes are welling up and round tear drops glide smoothly toward her mouth.

“How is this Landing for you, Tanya?” I ask

“Oh, I like her.” she says just above a whisper. “I’m already enjoying her companionship.”

“So what's her name?” I ask.

“Penelope,” says Tanya.

“And what are you feeling in your body now when you think about money?” I ask.

“I see Penelope and smile, and I want more of that in my life!”

--------------------------------------------

You can’t change the fruit without changing the root! (Thank you, Stephen Covey)

When you’re stuck in a repetitive cycle – relationship, finances, career – of course you have to do something about it. But you also have to change your mindset about it too, you have to shift your consciousness.

Think about a situation that you’re feeling stuck and repetitive. Reflect on it.

• What do you see?
• Who do you see?
• How do you see it?
• How does it feel in your body?
• What are you saying to yourself?

Becoming aware of your interior world can be uncomfortable, but it’s also a path to liberation. Your inner world is the root, and your outer experience is your fruit.

This is one of the gifts of coaching – awareness that builds intentional change.

Tanya is changing her relationship to money by literally changing the way money is in relationship to her. She is growing new fruit by changing the root.

If you’re stuck in a repetitive loop or vicious cycle in your leadership, relationship, or life, then you have to take a close look inside.

Yes, tactics and action are the drivers of change, but the key is in your mindset.

Here's to bringing consciousness to your life.

Eric

p.s. check out my upcoming book Leadership Breakdown, for in depth understanding of how to break the vicious cycles, release the struggle, and succeed with conscious leadership.