Getting Unstuck #27 - The Journey to Finding the Real You

This is a portion of a talk I gave at the Empath Summit

Have you ever felt like a spectator in your own life? Be honest! How often do you find yourself doing something you really didn’t want to do because you don’t want to disappoint someone? How many times did you not apply for a job or speak up in a meeting because you didn’t think you were good enough? How many times has low self-esteem or low self-confidence prevented you from pursuing a goal or dream?

Do you feel like you are constantly running in quicksand? Don’t you want more? How can we get “unstuck?”

This is the life story for so many people. We have been told how act, what to say, what to do, what not to do by our family, teachers, bosses, friends, spouses for so long we live in autopilot.

We become a spectator not a participant in our own life.

Too often, we live the life we are told to live – not the life we want. Why? For many of us, it is fear. Fear is a powerful emotion. It motivates some people to take action while paralyzing others.

Don Miguel Ruiz wrote: Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive and express what we really are. Think about that!

We will never rid ourselves of fear. We all have this emotion, but we can learn how to prevent fear from dominating our lives.

Uncontrolled Fear is where hope, trust, innovation, and courage go to die. Many unhappy lives are the result of failing to address fear. Fear, however, is a choice. Mel Robbins was a guest on my radio show. She said: “You don’t have what you want because your thoughts and feelings hold you back. Your resistance to change, whether it manifest as fear or anger or stubbornness, keeps you on the safe, familiar path. But you start to steer your life in new directions by taking action (when you don’t feel like it)”. – Mel Robbins – Stop Saying You’re Fine.

This was my life for many years.

I have been through several journeys in my life: Catholic School, college, military, hi-tech career, senior hi-tech executive, hi-tech CEO, divorces, CEO of my insurance agency, single parent, author of nine books, five #1bestsellers and two award-winners, certified speaker, radio, TV, podcast host, and Co-founder of Trust the Process – Book Marketing Program.

Growing up Catholic and attending Catholic school through high school, you learn about guilt. I have been told this is common with other fundamental religions. How many times have you heard this: “This is the only way to act, speak and behave. Failure to do so will lead to banishment, a life of sin and ultimately eternal damnation.” Well, no one wants that, so we push what we want down and go along to get along.

I did two years in college after high school before my military draft lottery number was 10 during the Vietnam war. New challenges. Do I leave for Canada, get drafted for two years into the Army and carry a gun in Vietnam or enlisted for four years in the Air Force as a medic. I enlisted in the Air Force. I was lucky in that I was not a combat medic, but I saw many things no one should see, let alone a 19-year-old. To put this into perspective, the average age of a soldier in Vietnam was 19. We just finished our prom and were thrust into the horrors and casualties of war.

I learned a great deal in the military. For example, how to provide aid and comfort to people who were wounded mentally, spiritually and physically. How to listen and show empathy for their suffering and recovery. Also how to interact with compassion toward the families and loved ones.

As an Emergency Room medic, I learned every day is an adventure. You never know what is going to happen in the Emergency Room. It could be as minor as the flu, or as intense as a gunshot wound, overdose, car accident, domestic violence, plane crash, etc. I saw it all.

I learned we must be trained and train our teams to be prepared to deal quickly and accurately with the unknown, unexpected, and often the unthinkable under adverse and stressful environments. For example, in the military we train constantly so we are prepared. When something goes wrong in training or in an actual situation, a leaders first response should be what happened and were my people adequately trained. Great leaders don’t move right to blaming people.

The military taught me the importance of connecting with people, but it also hardened me. I left the military determined not to become a victim or a casualty. I finished college and started my professional career determined to do whatever was necessary to succeed. Professionally my life was following the “American Dream,” promotions, responsibility, money, prestige.

My personal life was a disaster. I was married very young, no concept of marriage or commitment. My focus was solely on my career and professional advancement. As you can imagine my first marriage didn’t last very long. Back then as a Catholic, once you are divorced, you may as well become a monk. You cannot get married again, aren’t supposed to date, absolutely no sex. The hurt of a failed marriage was quickly replaced with anger.

Rather than grieving or doing a self-assessment to improve, I put more energy into my professional life. A very short rebound marriage ended in one year. Two failed marriages before age 25. I became this take no prisoners, get it done executive. Successful, but unfulfilled and not happy.

What's Next

I was into my mid-thirties when I tried marriage again. This time I thought I got it right. We were blessed with two daughters. I had the position and money to give my family whatever we needed. Now the pressure was to make sure I stayed at that level. At this point I found myself travelling two weeks a month which put a major burden on my wife. When I was home, I was the classic Disneyland Dad. All the routines their mother was creating were tossed to the wind.

My greatest professional achievement occurred at the same time my personal life completely fell apart. I was the CEO of two companies in Seattle. I thought I made it. All the effort, sacrifice, travel, time away from home finally paid off.

I had climbed the mountain, stuck my flag at the summit and shouted, “I made it.” Then I turned around and my wife had left our family, and I was now a single Dad with custody of my pre-teen and young teen age daughters.

Everything I had worked for, everything I had been told growing up, in the military and in corporate America that was needed for success came crashing down. Now what?

Make Time

Let me ask you a question, how often do you say or hear "If I only had more time." Well, here is a news flash!! There will never be more time. We get 24 hours each day – that’s it. There is no more time. You are never going to have time until you make time. When something really matters you will make time.

For example, make time to spend with your spouse, your children, family, and friends. Do something special that will create lasting and positive memories.

As I mentioned, I was a hi-tech executive for many years. I travelled extensively, often for a month or more at a time overseas. When I became a single father with custody of two young daughters, I had to change my career and my life. I had to become a full-time Dad.

I took bought an insurance agency which is like dying and going to hell coming from high tech. It was also a major hit to my income. When I was complaining to a counselor she told me, “Frank you traded money, power, and prestige for time. Now use that time and to make memories with your daughters.”

They are now both adults with their own families, and when we see each other, they talk about the fun things we did together. The week we spent in Rome, the shows, games, and concerts we attended, the time at the ocean.

What they don’t say is “remember that time Dad, when you were gone for a month in Brazil putting together that big deal.” That was not a fond memory for my daughters.

While they enjoyed what the money provided, it wasn’t money, the big house, the luxury booth or fancy trips that made my children happy. What made them and finally me happy was the time we spent and memories we made.

Never forget this – your children, your family, your loved ones, won’t remember every event you attended – but they will remember everyone you missed.

The Transformation

All my experiences, the good, the bad and the ugly, brought value. Some brought value when they ended, but most have provided wisdom along my journey.

I took over 60 years to discovery who I am, what brings me joy and what value I provide. I realized while I put up a good front, I did not value or love myself. Until we love ourselves, no one else can love us. Until we value ourselves, no one else will value us.

I found joy in writing books. I have written nine. Five have become #1 bestsellers and two award winners. My partner Melissa Van Oss, and I created Trust the Process – Book Marketing Program. She brings the creative mindset, which is not my strong point Together we balance each other. With this balance our Trust the Process Book Marketing Program has achieve 15 consecutive #1bestselling and 5 award-winning books. We have several more in the pipeline.

I found joy with my radio show and podcast Life Altering Events where I am been able to meet and share the stories of many remarkable people. These 300 plus stories have a positive impact on so many people. I learned every one of us has a story that needs to be told. Our story may be the inspiration for someone in need. It may be what keeps them from giving up. Regardless of how boring we think our life may be, there are other people who will find hope and value in listening to or reading your story.?

My real joy

My daughters, and now, my grandchildren are my greatest sense of joy. As I said earlier, when my daughters are born, I was a very senior high-tech executive. I traveled extensively for the first few years of their life.

When their mother left the family, I had full custody of my two daughters at a young age. I thought this was going to be the most difficult experience of my life. I didn't know if I could handle it. Plus, I was never a teenage girl, so I had no point of reference for this adventure.

My daughters were the ones who got me through it, and being with them as a single father was the best experience of my life, spending time with them, getting to know them. Doing things together with them was without question the most rewarding experience in my life.

I have that same joy being with my grandchildren as I did, and being with my daughters.

So, the highlight for my life is spending time with them. Going to their house from having them come to my house.

I would not trade this for the world. What I thought was going to be one of the worst experiences of my life turned out to be by far without question, the best.

Things keep getting better, I remarried at age 62 and now have an adult stepson.

It was a long and painful journey to find my real self, however that journey has brought me a joy I never thought I would achieve.