Getting Unstuck #25 – Life is More Than Just Making a Living

You know what is best for you and should follow it, rather than the promptings of others.

Gina Mazza – Everything Matters, Nothing Matters

This is an excerpt from my #1 bestselling book Business Secrets for Walking on Water

How often have you found yourself so completely immersed in your business or your career that you become a spectator in the other areas of your life? Have you ever looked back on your life and wondered if only…? If only I had said this, taken that job, moved to that city, or spent more time with my family, how different would my life be now? Of course, you have!! Does it usually occur when you are sad or frustrated? We have all heard the statement by Lewis Carroll: “IN THE END… We only regret the chances we didn’t take, the relationships we were afraid to have, and the decisions we waited too long to make.”

Well, you are not alone. Everyone at times looks back with regret and wonders, “if only.” I did at many low points in my life. The worst- case was after a very difficult divorce. While I was in the middle of my self-pity party, my best friend told me, “Frank, there is nothing new to see in the past. Besides, why are you looking behind you? You’re not going that way.” So, I picked up the pieces and started moving forward both personally and professionally. Some days I took one step forward. Other days four steps backward, but every day my goal was to keep moving forward.

2020 brought a great deal of unwanted change to the world. The COVID-19 crisis, unemployment, looming recession, shelter in place,?

quarantine, working from home, and homeschooling have forced us all to change. We all know the only constant in life is change, yet change is the one thing most people fear. Why?

Because it is the fear of the unknown. People like stability, and change disrupts stability. It makes us ask questions like, “How is the change going to impact my life, my job, my income, my family?” It is frustrating and depressing. But I have met so many people who are using this time to re-evaluate, reflect, redirect and reinvent both their lives and their outlook on life.

Pre 2020, if you are like most people, there was never time to re-evaluate, reflect and redirect. We would get out of bed before sunrise and jump on the treadmill of life that constantly went faster and faster. By the end of the day, we went to bed too exhausted to get any real rest and got up a few hours later to start again. We weren’t living; we were existing. I have been there. I felt every little thing mattered, then realized very little really matters.

Now amid all the chaos we are facing, I have been able to talk with several people who are using this time to look inwardly in the hope of finding a sense of calm, peace, and meaning. These people have asked me, “Do I even want to return to my old normal, my old job, my old habits, with all the stress and anxiety? I want to be alive with a capital A.” There must be a better way. Maybe this is the opportunity to change. But how do we change? What do we change? And the real question - Do we really want to change?

I recently read in the introduction of the book Everything Matters, Nothing Matters by my friend Gina Mazza, it stated:

In order for people to embrace and activate change, they have to feel it is both possible AND important.

IS IT POSSIBLE AND IMPORTANT

To determine if something is both possible and important, we must look at the facts. What do I need to know or do to make the seemingly impossible possible? Are the facts important enough for me to act?

Brene Brown wrote in her book Dare to Lead:

Why are facts and data important? Because in the absence of data, we will always make up false narratives to support a position.

The facts may say it is possible but is it important enough to act. Changing our life or at least our outlook on life is hard because change is hard. Whenever we face anything hard, rationalizations and false narratives will come into play. It is just not the right time; how am I going to do this; I’ll start when I get this project done. We fall into what my wife calls “dithering,” which means focusing on or being distracted by other things, usually unimportant things which both wastes our time and drains our energy.

David Asprey called this “decision fatigue” in his book Game Changers

We all have a willpower muscle in the anterior cingulate cortex of our brain that starts each day full of energy. Every decision we make, be it trivial or important drains this energy. It is called decision fatigue, so focus your energy on decisions that will improve your life.

It is easier to cling to our status quo than take action that will lead to life altering decisions. For many people, something dramatic must occur before they take action on what is possible and important. Well, folks, 2020 may well be that tipping point. The old normal is gone, and it will likely never return. Now we are forced to become focused, to take a deep dive into who we are and what we want.

Aren’t you worth loving what you do rather than just making a living? Don’t you want to get up every morning excited to get started instead of dreading the drudgery of another day?

Passion and love are inextricably intertwined because they both arise from the heart. When you follow your passion, you will love your life. Janet and Chris Attwood – The Passion Test

So, what is stopping you? Can you define your passion? Most people can’t, which is why they aren’t living their passion. Then there are people who know what their passion is but get stuck trying to figure how to make it happen. Once you commit and start on the path toward your passion, you will be amazed that doors will open.

Sometimes we need a 2x4 between the eyes before we take action. The 2x4 can be many things, the loss of a job, divorce, death of a loved one, a job that brings you no joy, etc.

Deepak Chopra said:

Each person’s tale involves some moment of trauma or questioning that leads them into a “shatter of the self” – which is what happens when “we don’t know who we are.”

MAKE MEMORIES

Back in the introduction of my book, I discussed the trauma I experienced with my daughters when my wife left. I left a very high-paying job and high-level position in high-tech, moved to another state, put my daughters into new schools, and took over an insurance agency. One thing about insurance is you make very little money in the first few years. I was angry. Angry at my wife. Angry at the circumstance. Angry at the world.

One Saturday, I received a call from the former owner of the agency. He asked me how things were going. My anger and sarcasm got the better of me, and I snapped. “Thirty days ago, I was running a fifty-million-dollar company with over 100 people who would jump up to help if I just lifted my head. Today I am cleaning toilets in your old office. How do you think things are going?”

While I fell off a cliff financially, I gained time to be available as a full-time Dad. During one of my Roku TV interviews with my friend Sara Westbrook, we talked about some of the trade-offs people make in life. One of the trade-offs is the exchange of money and time. As you make more money, your logical brain says we need more. If I am happy making $100,000, making $200,000 will double my happiness. You will have more money and even less time.

Then Sara said she read an article about the science of happiness. People were given a number of options to gauge happiness; more time, more money, more power, etc. Per Sara, the number one factor for happiness is more time. This makes sense. The old death bed story is, no one wishes they had spent more time working.

This made me think about my early post-divorce time. I recall a friend telling me, “Make damn sure you attend all of your children’s events. They won’t remember all the ones you made, but they will remember everyone you missed.” He then told me when his son was younger; he missed several events. One time his son was flying back to town from a soccer tournament. “I knew his mother, and I could not be there to pick him up or be there when he arrived home, so I sent a limo, thinking it would be a big thrill.” His son’s teammates were jealous. “Wow – you get to ride in a limo.” His son, however, was not so thrilled. He had no one with whom to share his adventure except the limo driver. When he arrived home, there was no one to greet him and no one called. He just went to his room and played video games.

My friend then said something that cut right to my heart. “Frank, you know the song Cat’s in the Cradle by Harry Chapin. The one where the son is always asking the Dad to do something with him, but the Dad was always too busy. When the Dad retired, he called his son and asked to spend time together. Now the son’s life was too busy.

Well, Frank, that is my story. Don’t let it become yours.” This nearly brought me to tears. I was so unhappy because I was making far less money until I realized I could be making memories with my daughters.

My daughters and I had time. We went to the ocean, to Disney on Ice, to professional sporting events, movies, plays, shopping trips to San Francisco, to a week in Rome, Italy, to Marine World, to their dance recitals, softball and volleyball tournaments, etc.

My daughters are now adults, and when we get together, they always talk about all the fun we had doing all these adventures. We look at the pictures together, smile, and revel in telling the stories.

They don’t speak fondly about the month I spent in Brazil or other times I was away. When Sara, heard this she told me, “Frank, you exchanged money and power for memories. You can lose your job, your money, your big house, and God forbid your health, but memories, memories are forever.” The last thing Sara said during our interview was, “Frank, we can stop chasing perfection because it doesn’t exist. However, we are fully capable of reflection and redirection of our thoughts, choices, and deeds.”

I re-married after my daughters were out of the house and starting their own lives. Now when my new wife and I look at our children and grandchildren, I know the choice to make memories and now working to help people and organizations thrive personally and professionally was the right choice.

So, are you still struggling personally or professionally? Are you unhappy with the direction or lack of direction in your life? If the obstacles life dumps on you seem overwhelming, please do these three things:?

1.??? Look up

2.??? Get up

3.??? Never ever give up