Getting Unstuck #22 – Infidelity

Affairs are not the root cause of divorce. Problems in a marriage that send the couple on a trajectory to divorce also send one (or both) looking for intimate connections outside the marriage. Dr. John M Goodman, PH.D and Nan Silver – The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Infidelity can be a cry for help or the last nail in the coffin? ~ Frank Zaccari, CEO/ Author/Speaker

(Please note I am interchanging marriage and a committed relationship)

Infidelity is not just a landmine; it is an iceberg more significant than the one that sunk the Titanic. Betrayal lies at the heart of every failed relationship. Cheating is often the last step in betrayal, but it is rarely the first.

Let’s take a hypothetical situation. A young wife who felt alone, isolated, depressed, and frustrated. Her husband was frequently traveling, and even when home, he wasn’t present. The wife found a married friend who would listen and give her support and comfort. He made her feel valued and important. Meeting once for coffee turned into lunches, then dinner, and finally stealing time away to have sex. Once an emotional connection is made with another party, the marriage/relationship starts the death spiral. What often begins as a one-time cry for help often evolves into a situation that ends the marriage/relationship and often destroys multiple families.

I always believed that you should ONLY talk to your spouse concerning serious issues regarding your marriage. Let me say that again; I always believed that you should ONLY talk to your spouse regarding serious issues regarding your marriage. I speak from experience; talking to anyone other than your spouse or a professional counselor creates more problems. I’ll pick on men here.

I’ve seen men talk to other women about issues in their marriage. They say it helps to talk to someone. However, I observed that the man gravitates toward a woman with whom there is an attraction. To me, this is a recipe for disaster. It creates a connection or an emotional bond with someone other than your spouse. The person you confide in often has an agenda: having something over you and your spouse, having a juicy bit of gossip, or pursuing a relationship. None of these options is good.

What is infidelity? Here is the definition as found in my fictional book When the Wife Cheats:

Infidelity is defined by Webster’s New World Dictionary, Third College Edition as:

1.????? The fact or state of being an infidel 2. Unfaithfulness or disloyalty to another, esp. sexual unfaithfulness of a husband or wife; adultery 3. An unfaithful or disloyal act

There is no disrespect to Mr. Webster, but infidelity in a marriage is much more than the words listed above. Infidelity can be described or defined as:

·??????? The single most significant violation of trust in the single most important relationship (marriage).

·??????? It destroys relationships, marriages, families, friendships, careers, businesses, and reputations.

·??????? It often leads to financial ruin for one or both parties.

·??????? It leaves you with feelings of depression, failure, betrayal, loss of self-esteem, isolation, worthlessness, intense sorrow, and grief.

·??????? It destroys hope, faith, trust, dreams, goals, and plans.

When infidelity is discovered or admitted, trust has been destroyed. I am referring to the couple talking together, not kicking in a motel door with a video camera and screaming “I’m going to nail your ass.” The news often feels like you have been kicked in the stomach. You can’t breathe. You get dizzy. Your mind goes blank. You are not sure you actually heard what was said or if you have pictures from a private investigator, what you just saw. You are in shock.

Let’s go on the assumption you are not an “ass” who resorts to violence at this point. Men and women have told me the shock of the news initially left them speechless. Then tears and anger, often followed by thunderous and hateful words. Many times, one will storm out of the house. Once we get past the initial disclosure and reaction, the hard conversations, questions, and decisions enter the picture. Was this the first time? How long has this been going on? Do you love them? Is it over? Do you want to stay together? Do I want to stay together? Who else knows? (This is an ego thing.) Who is he/she? Do I know them? (Another ego thing.) Where was this happening? Will a marriage/relationship counselor help? Are we willing to try counseling – I mean really try- not just go through the motions? Why did this happen? Do you want a divorce? Do I want a divorce? What is the next step(s)?

I found there are four options:

1.????? We decide the relationship is worth saving and embrace the effort necessary to work through the situation and continue living together.

2.????? We decide to separate and live apart while we try to work through the situation.

3.????? We decide the hurt and betrayal are so great it is time to end the marriage/relationship.

4.????? One party wants to stay together. The other one wants out.

Since I have experienced all four, let’s explore them one at a time.

1.????? We decide the relationship is worth the effort to work through the situation and continue living together.

Both parties agree to do what it takes to save the relationship. It may or may not involve counseling. I have seen it both ways. The party that committed the act is ashamed and very sorrowful for their action. The other party is hurt, embarrassed and will not discuss this with anyone if it is a male. If the wronged party is a woman, there are trusted friends who already know.

Trust has been broken, and the couple tries to avoid discussing the specifics of what occurred. If they are serious about making it work, they never bring up the topic as a weapon in an argument. It often becomes something they both know but never speak of again. There is a great deal of tension in the early days and weeks. If there is a conversation- it is often small-talk. “How was your day? What would you like for dinner?” High probability at first, there is no intimacy. There might be make-up sex – but the connection is not the same. ?Slowly, over weeks or months, the couple starts to relax and begins to talk about “couple things,” like going out, seeing friends, planning a weekend get-away, etc. While the trust never returns to the pre-affair level, they find common ground to continue the relationship. In time, they may decide to have a child once they both believe the relationship is back on a solid foundation. (Note: having a child to salvage a relationship is NEVER a good idea).

If both parties are 100% engaged, the relationship has a chance to last for many years. I know people who stayed together and remained faithful for the rest of their lives. I know many more where the loss of trust could never be overcome, and the relationship ended a few years later. Mine lasted another twelve years until a second indiscretion was discovered, and the marriage ended.

2.????? We decide to separate and live apart while we try to work through the situation.

In my experience, when making this decision, there is already doubt about the relationship. Often both parties have been unfaithful, but only one indiscretion has been revealed. The couple does not initially want to file for divorce or breakup, partly to get away to determine if the relationship is worth saving and partly to see what other options are available.? Something friends hear in this situation is, “Well, he/she cheated, so that gives me a ‘hall pass.’” The other party may or may not continue with their affair partner but will play the field more often than not.

In other situations, the couple needs time apart and is honestly evaluating their relationship. It gives space to clear the air and de-escalate emotions.? In this case, beware of “The Back Stabbers.” I refer to these people in my book When the Wife Cheats. The O’Jays had a hit song called The Back Stabbers for those of us old enough to remember. The takeaway line was:

They smile in your face, all the time they want to take your place, the Back Stabbers

The Back Stabbers, like cockroaches, will come out of the woodwork. As I said earlier in this chapter, these are the people with their own agenda, be it to have something over you and your spouse, have a juicy bit of gossip or pursue a relationship. None of these options are good. The Back Stabbers just love to “stir the shit” to create additional drama and conflict. They will go back and forth between the couple and say things like, “You didn’t hear this from me, but I heard...” The Back Stabbers are unhappy people, living miserable lives, and as we all know, misery loves company. They will do anything to accomplish their agenda.

I have seen cases where the couple gets back together after the separation, but success is rare. More times than not, the relationship ends. According to a report in marriage.com by Rachael Pace, Expert Blogger Verified Marriage & Family Therapist Associate Approved by Jeannie Sytsma, LMFTA, 27 Nov 2020:

Studies suggest that even though 87% of couples end up filing for divorce, the remaining 13% reconcile after a separation.

In a study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, Sept 16, 2013, the outlook for relationships after a trial separation is variable: 10 percent of couples in ongoing marriages have split up and got back together. The odds of continuing in a positive, trusting, and loving marriage are not good.

I have seen three scenarios for this option. The first one is often a “knee-jerk” reaction. (It involves ego – I am the martyr/victim). I can never trust you again. I can never believe you again. I can’t believe you would do this to me/us. This is over. I am calling a lawyer. Often there has been more than one incident of cheating. They may be able to save the relationship, but it is very unlikely. There were probably several problems with this relationship before the affair. The infidelity was the tipping point.

The second one is when one party acts as if they are single throughout the relationship. They have been involved in multiple indiscretions, and both parties realize trying to continue is just a mockery and a waste of time. Like the scenario above, there were several problems with this relationship before the cheating occurred. For example, maybe they got together in an effort to get out of debt or save money; maybe one party was getting out of a “bad situation,” and the new partner was a life raft. If you are lucky, this is discovered early, and both parties can move on with their life before either or both gets hurt.

The third scenario is when all was forgiven, and the couple appeared to successfully navigate through the storm. Then another infidelity is discovered. This second, or possibly more violations of trust, are simply too much, and the relationship ends.

3.????? We decide the hurt and betrayal are so great it is time to end the marriage/relationship.

This one is straight forward. One or both get a lawyer and go though the legal process to amicably dissolve the marriage. At least you hope it is amical

For me, in particular, the worst scenario is when the person who wants to stay together was not “the cheater.” As in all the other cases, there were problems that preceded the infidelity. The person who wants to stay together may try to discuss a possible solution or offer alternatives. This person does not want the relationship to end and would stay together through thick and thin. The other person has already checked out of the relationship, and nothing will keep them in it. You can’t make someone love you if they don’t.

Stepping stones to Getting Unstuck

1.????? Have you ever been tempted to cheat? What stopped you?

2.????? Is your relationship important enough to try to work through infidelity?

3.????? Who are the Back Stabbers in your world? How do you recognize them? How do you avoid/discourage them?