Getting Through It
I’m not going to lie. I’ve been struggling. It seems as soon as my friend’s demons come out, mine think it’s playtime. One particular friend of mine is suffering with mental illness. We talk every day as she needs someone to be there to listen, offer hope and sometimes guidance. I am by no means a therapist but I come in handy for the in between sessions.
She works in real estate and was lamenting the fact that she knows she should be doing more but can't. I heard myself saying “ Sometimes you have to force yourself to do things. That really is the only way through”
As I said, everyone’s else's demons trigger my own. So last night they were out in full force playing like a mariachi band. I won’t get into details but I was not in the best place mentally I've ever been. I went to bed and woke up as I do every morning and said to myself, “I should go walking”. I do this every morning but I never go. This morning however, I heard my own words reverberate in my head.
Soon I found myself with coffee in hand walking the path next to the beach that everyone walks or rides on. I was listening to some motivational things and a noise caught my ear over the speaker on my earbuds. It was a child. I turned to the hotel I was walking next to and there was a mother struggling to keep 4 kids that all looked to be under 6 in line. No major distress - just wrangling kids. I laughed and then it hit me.
That was me 15 years ago. My husband and I couldn’t have children so I convinced him into fostering and adopting. Because I never do anything in less than grand fashion we did and we ended up adopting 4 kids- all under the age of 6. They are my heart.
All of a sudden I was taken back to a moment in Wal-Mart. My ex had flown down to Florida c to visit his family and I was alone with 4 kids for a bit. I remember thinking as I was trying to maintain some semblance of control in the store ” I won’t make it. I’m going to fail and I’m going to fail these kids. What was I thinking? 4? This is too much”
Well they say God never gives us more than we can handle. I did make it.. I didn't do it gracefully without tears and grief but I made it. They did too despite their father and I.
I woke up every day that first year and said “ I can’t do this” but I forced myself to. Day by day. Crisis by crisis. For them. For their father. But mostly for me.
Looking back now, last night’s troubles seem insignificant. If I could make it through all the special needs classes, the tantrums, the 3 times a week speech therapy, the illnesses and the epic battles over using capitalization and punctuation on their homework, I can make it through anything. Life might not always be pretty but those struggles made me who I am today. I wouldn’t trade those memories for the world. Sometimes you just have to force yourself to do things that aren't comfortable. In the end the rewards always outweigh the discomfort.