Getting (sober) curious

Welcome back to OUTSPOKEN where every two weeks we will explore questions (some new, some familiar) that require innovative thinking and community solutions. I am so excited that you’re here!?

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What do alcohol, belonging and community have to do with one another? Turns out: a lot. There’s a term, “recovery capital,” that’s used in the substance use disorder community, which refers to the relationships, support, belonging and trust that people have with one another. It’s an important part of their recovery - and something that they learn to either build up or lean on in challenging times. But I’d say that’s too late. We actually all need this kind of capital…early and often. We need it before we start to lean on substances or unhealthy behaviour to fill any voids in our lives. I’d actually go so far as to even rename it “Discovery Capital,” since it’s all of those things - trust, support, belonging -? that allow someone to thrive, get curious and discover who they really are.?

I love curiosity, and it seems to be having a moment. One phrase that caught my attention a couple of years ago was the phrase, “sober curious.” Indeed, I was.

Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD) was once considered a men’s issue, and while I’m typically all for equality, I was not thrilled to learn that men and women are now 1:1 when it comes to concerns about consumption. As a culture, we have a complicated relationship with alcohol. “Misuse of alcohol ” is something that many people still associate with outliers in society: people who are unhoused or in recovery, a child star who sadly succumbed to old demons, old men lonesomely nursing a scotch.?

Yet “alcohol” has entirely different connotations. For many of us, it’s a pivotal part of celebrations, social events, and dates. It’s an aspect of self-care, particularly when we’re talking about women and mothers. “It’s wine o’clock somewhere!” is printed on shirts and glasses everywhere. So I got curious. Where is the disconnect between “AUD” and “alcohol?”

In Melissa Mancini and Ioanna Roumeliotis’s article, Why some women are pushing back against alcohol and the wine-to-unwind culture, they discuss how it has “become a social phenomenon that moms need wine to cope” with “wine glasses emblazoned with ‘mom juice’ and ‘because kids.’” Alcohol is “how we celebrate, relax, and reward ourselves.” So why are we so hesitant to talk about its consequences?

There’s no question that there’s been a rise in AUD, especially in women. According to Harvard Health Publishing’s Women, alcohol, and COVID-19 by Dawn Sugarman, PhD, and Shelly Greenfield, MD, MPH, “excessive alcohol use is a common response to coping with stress” and “alcohol use increased following the September 11th terrorist attacks and Hurricanes Katrina and Rita.” With the stress, grief, uncertainty, and isolation of the pandemic, studies show that “women have increased their heavy drinking days by 41% compared to before the pandemic.”?

But this didn’t begin with the pandemic. In Ginny Graves’ Health article, Why Alcohol Use Has Increased Among Women—And How It Has Affected Them, she points out that, “‘Since the mid-1990s, there’s been a ‘pinking’ of the alcohol market, with skinny cocktails and berry-flavored vodkas. Now there’s surround-sound messaging in movies and on TV that alcohol is the best way for women to relax and reward themselves.’” From “mommy juice” to happy hours to wedding toasts, everything in our culture tells us that drinking is normal.?

What starts off as a glass of wine or two to unwind at the end of the day can become a slippery slope for some, yet again it’s not always obvious, because it’s our norm. You’re actually the outlier now if you don’t have a long stemmed glass in your hand. How do we know when we’ve had a few too many “wines to unwind?” Especially if we don’t talk about it?

In Ruby Warrington’s book Sober Curious, she asks, “How different would your life be if you stopped drinking on autopilot? If you stopped drinking altogether?” Like Ruby, I want people to approach their relationship with alcohol from a non-judgmental, genuinely curious place. Last time you had a drink, was it compulsive? What happens if you stop and ask, “Do I really want to have a drink right now?” Get curious.? There’s always a thought before the feeling, and a feeling before the behaviour.

It can be scary to ask the questions. But it’s even scarier not to. If you’re feeling concerned about your relationship with alcohol, check out some of Ginny Graves’ suggestions, followed by a few of my own:

Set specific limits

How many nights a week will you have a glass of wine? Will you limit yourself to a certain number of drinks on weekends? Define it on your terms, and next:

Pay attention

Did you notice any resistance to the limits you set? How does that make you feel??

Additionally, pay attention to how you feel when you drink. Maybe it’s fun for you to have one to two drinks, but three may lead to depression, anger, or sloppiness. Everyone responds to alcohol differently, so it’s important to learn what works for you!

Build a conscious community

If you have a problem, community can help you tackle it. Quitting anything is a challenge on your own. But there are endless resources out there for you.?

Traditional 12 step programs work for some, but not for others. Fortunately there are many options. Some available for women specifically. Substance abuse disorders affect women differently, so it makes sense that there are programs to address those unique needs.?

Look at how you’re planning social outings and events. Do you default to asking friends to grab a drink? What if you met for coffee or tea? A fitness class? Dinner??

Grab a sober companion. Maybe you told yourself you’d avoid alcohol at a wedding or event. You don’t have to tell anyone else, but having one other person present to hold you accountable can go a long way.?

Take the proactive approach

As you know, I’m all about community. In my essay, The CRAFT of Community Building, I explore the ‘C’ in the evidence based behaviour therapy approach called “CRAFT: Community Reinforcement Approach and Family Training,” which started in the 1970s.?

When we’re building and searching for community, we typically consider things like access to transportation, good schools, grocery stores, entertainment, safety, and more. But do we consider how our community might impact our relationship with substances? Will we be engaged? Will we know other people? ? How do your friends and family approach alcohol? As it’s often said, “You’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” But I’d say it’s larger than that - you’re impacted by ALL of the people around you - so make sure the environment feels right.?

At the end of the day, your wellbeing is the priority.

Whether you're sober curious or decades dry, a social drinker or a wine mom, there’s no judgment. I’m just here to say it out loud and keep the conversation going.

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As always, you can find more information here, or you can contact me at [email protected]. If you’d like to connect on social media, I’m active here on LinkedIn, or you can check out Concrete Cardinal on Instagram or TikTok: @concretecardinal.