Getting into right relationship with power.

Power. This little word carries a lot of baggage, probably because it's so easy to think about power in a binary way: on or off. Powerful or powerless. You've got it or you don't... and if you've got it, it's just a matter of time before you abuse it. But is that really true?

In this article, I'll share a personally groundbreaking ah-hah about this topic's binary mind-trap that helped me liberate more of my own personal power; perhaps it can do the same for you.

A quick note on mind traps: you might cerebrally know the answer is both/neither, but there's a big difference between "oh yeah that makes sense" and knowing on a visceral level. I invite you to carve out some time to explore the shadow and light sides of this topic -- which I've cerebrally known for a few years but just dropped into deeper knowing.

The way of the ocean

Have you seen Billions? I love this show. In season 7, Chuck gives Philip a lesson in power after Prince (the supposed good guy) pulls an abuse-of-power move on Philip's mentor. "Sharks will shark, and harbor seals will harbor seal. That is the way of the ocean." In other words, it's perfectly natural for predators to feed on the weak, because they can. Because it's in their nature.

Giving away power

I grew up in a household consisting of an angry, volatile father and a controlling, opinionated mother. No siblings, just me. My dad was a shark with verbally sharp teeth; he held all the power. My mom was a harbor seal coated in rigid psychological armor that didn't do much to protect her.

Being closer to my mom and not wanting to be a bad-guy shark, I subconsciously took the role of harbor seal as I grew up. I learned to appease, to conform, to fit in, to armor-up. I worried too much about what other people thought.

I gave my power away, perhaps because I believed that power = asshole ("blessed are the meek" and all that jazz) and/or I never believed I had any in the first place. Which means I didn't learn how to stand up for myself as I grew up an outlier with a differently wired brain.

I've made loads of progress since then, but I knew there was more to unpack.

"The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." - Alice Walker

Challenging power

When I lived in San Francisco, I shifted into sustainability and large-scale systems change. Here we see "the way of the ocean" on a grand scale. The current establishment that's screwing everything up to maintain their powerful grip – yes, they're the sharks.

What does that make the people who want to challenge these systems? That's right: harbor seals. I know this is a generalization, but roll with me here: the people who most want to change the system usually have the least amount of power. And because we pride ourselves on not playing the power game, we tend to play nice. None of that stinkin' power here; we're the good guys, right?

The phrase "truth to power" contains an implication of who is holding the power and who is not. We have to get into right relationship with our own power if anything's going to change, and that means seeing beyond this binary mind-trap. What's the third way here?

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." - Marianne Williamson

Shining a light in the shadows

A couple years ago, pre-OType, I was coaching mission-driven mavericks who sought to amplify their power to move mountains. Same process, different labels. This is when I first saw this shark/harbor-seal conundrum vividly. In hindsight it was the right thing to focus on, but I forgot about it once I started chasing shiny AI squirrels (hello ADD).

When I came back to coaching, I picked up where I thought I'd left off – with the yearning for freedom. I can see now that freedom is a story I've been telling myself; it's part of my identity narrative.

Not that it's false, mind you. Typical O-Type, I'm a ravenously curious explorer of places and ideas. And after all my inner development work, I learned that true freedom starts within, with self-authorship. So hell yes to freedom. AND....

What's freedom in service to? Ohhh... I finally saw it. Power.

Freedom from being a harbor seal meant I can activate the power to achieve my full potential and do good in the world, yes, but power/shark/asshole/bad... it was all tangled up. This is the power-dichotomy baggage I've wrestled with for the past week.

Assumptions tend to burrow into psyches like termites, and this one was deep.

Here's what I've been in denial about: I have shark-like tendencies. We all do. Harbor seals also have sharp, pointy teeth and can be mean when threatened. Leopard seals eat adorable penguins and baby seals! I hate these tendencies, so I pretend that they aren't part of me and instead keep trying to be a good and likable cartoon version of a harbor seal.

And in disowning these parts of me, which reminded me of the sharky dad from my childhood (he's nicer now), I threw power out the door with it.

I cut myself off from my own source of healthy power and prevented my own healing.

We contain multitudes.

I know I'm not alone in this. Everyone has both shark and harbor seal in them. Sharks are sharking to hide the fact that they feel like insecure harbor seals. Harbor seals are harbor sealing while hiding sharp teeth because we're the good guys, dammit. Even Mother Theresa had plenty of shark in her, according to several documentaries.

"What we can't see with all this fracturing is that we're harbor seal and shark... and something immensely more powerful that transcends both."

So we oversimplify, label, judge, create expectations, and set up us-versus-them dynamics because we're projecting all our rejected baggage onto the other, who is also us.

Here's a truth: no one can love or hate something that they don't already have inside themselves; it's how they're able to recognize it in the first place. It took many, many years to see it, but damn, there it is.

And what we don't see – we can't see with all this fracturing and projecting going on – is not only that we're harbor seal and shark... we're also something immensely more powerful that transcends both.

True power emerges from wholeness.

At this point I have to part with the shark/harbor seal analogy because where I'm going next leaves the ocean completely.

Have you ever read A Wizard of Earthsea by Ursula LeGuin? It was my favorite book as a child and I still re-read it every year. Ged is a young and very powerful wizard who feels less than the other wizards – in other words, he feels like a harbor seal and he hates it. In an ego-driven shark move, he accidentally unleashes an evil shadow into the world.

Ged then expends enormous energy either fleeing from the shadow or trying to fight it. He feels powerless against this shadow. Spoiler alert: in the end, he names the shadow with his own name, embraces it, and becomes one with it. Once he's whole, he finds his true power.

"The way the world is going, we need more immensely powerful benevolent humans to turn things around... not through force or fighting or appeasing, but loving, weaving and uniting."

Not "power over" (ie. domination) but power with. Power within. Power to. Power can be defined many different ways, and it's up to each of us to define and embody our relationship to it.

We can only access our power through a full integration of the self, even the not-so-savory bits. And in embracing our shadows, the light can absorb and transform them.

What does this mean for O-Types (curious connectors?)

Something I've often wondered: Is my O-Type drive to create wholeness and unity not only a function of my brain wiring, but also reflective of a subconscious craving to reconcile inner fractures?

I don't know about you, but I resonate with this. Not only do humans tend to disown less-loveable traits, but most O-Types have grown up in a world that we weren't designed for. It's easy to fracture off the pieces of ourselves that don't fit convention to avoid feeling like such outsiders. And then fracture off some more, just for good measure.

To compound the lack of coherence, our curious minds also pull us in a million different directions.

Like light, a fractured, diffuse self holds no power. But consider the laser: fully coherent and aligned light can cut through steel.

Sharking and harbor sealing are both just coping mechanisms that emerge from an incomplete sense of self, blocking us from accessing the much greater benevolent power that emerges when we're whole, aligned and free.

The way the world is going, we need more immensely powerful benevolent humans to turn things around... not through force or fighting or appeasing, but loving, weaving and uniting.

This is why I support O-Types: curious connectors who make the whole work better. We are wired for this. A better future requires us whole, free, and wisely powerful.

"Power is of two kinds. One is obtained by the fear of punishment and the other by acts of love. Power based on love is a thousand times more effective and permanent then the one derived from fear of punishment." - Mahatma Ghandi

Your turn

• Pay attention to the physical sensations that arise when you think about your own power. If there's some resistance or discomfort, there's something to explore here.
• What implicit or explicit judgments have you made about power, or lack of?
• In what ways have you been both shark and harbor seal? Can you accept both without judgment?

Dear reader, I'd love to hear from you. What did you take away from these musings?

If you want to amplify your power to move mountains, I have three coaching spots open. I use an identity-integration tool called the Touchstone? to codify the multi-dimensional self (all the parts that bring you alive) and then intentionally design a flourishing and impactful life, career or business. Happy to have a curious conversation; just DM me.

I also just launched a free Self-Authored quiz and email-based course, which is foundational to developing "power within." DM me and I'll send you the link.