Negotiation:Getting Past "No"

"The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph"-Thomas Paine

Why does conflict occur? Think about the last time you faced conflict. Was it at work? At home? At a store? What caused it? Oftentimes conflict is a result of positional bargaining. Positional bargaining occurs when both parties involved in a conflict focus on one position and argue for it rather than breaking down each party’s issues to find a solution [3]. Sometimes these issues are small but they turn into something bigger. A coworker who won't send the report you need, a spouse who refuses to help look for a new home. What should be a simple cooperation between two parties turns into harsh words, or no words at all. My mom always says "don't make a mountain out of a molehill". Why do we turn molehills into mountains of conflict? Often there are other solutions that can appease both party’s true issues when positions cannot be satisfied.For instance, maybe that coworker who refuses to send the report is overworked and her line of business has no resources to help. Rather than explain it, she just doesn't send it. Maybe your spouse doesn't want to look for a new home, not because he/she doesn't want to move, but because your preferred location or price is not what he/she wants too. If you look at both examples-the real problem isn't an absent report or refusal to help-there are underlying issues that caused the conflict. Those issues must be uncovered. Arguing over positions is inefficient, it endangers ongoing relationships, and becomes fueled by ego rather than resolve [3]. In order to understand the rejection of positions, both sides must be willing to communicate, and in the absence of that, one side, or a mediator, able to ascertain more details to come to a compromise.

Negotiation Challenges

To remove positional bargaining from a conflict, you have to separate people from the problem because people often have emotions that are not conducive to resolve [3]. Often mediators are used for this very purpose. People are emotionally involved with issues and cannot rationally communicate when emotions are clouding logic. This requires emotional intelligence as well as mental maturity. Another challenge is in creating ongoing relationships [3]. At work, we will not come to a compromise with an individual and never have to deal with them again. Thus it is important to cultivate relationships and respect to lubricate future friction. So we have to understand where they are coming from to get where we need to go. Perception is an immortal challenge. We must understand the other party’s perception so we can understand what they value and how to achieve a compromise that is mutually beneficial. The biggest challenge is communication. Three major factors in ineffective communication are one or both parties may talk or write for third parties to support their case, or trip up the other party, one or both parties don’t truly listen because they are focused on the next point they will make, and misunderstanding [3]. I’ve witnessed all of these during conflict in the workplace. The problem no longer is the real problem, its the people. It is counterproductive to resolution and simply drives wedges in working relationships that guarantee future conflicts. These challenges can be solved using the biggest challenge: communication.

Conflict Resolution Steps

The first step is to face the problem, not the people [3]. This ties to the challenge of separating emotions from the problem. Acknowledging the other party's emotions but then separating them by being inclusive in a ‘we’ approach. How can we find solutions to our problems? They are not the problem; their perception, their emotions, their experiences impact their stance on the problem, but the problem is the problem. It stands alone and must be tackled by removing the baggage attached to it. Communicating openly about both sides’ issues, concerns, and stresses can help separate emotions from problems and reframe focus on finding solutions.

The second step is an extension of the first step. Focus on interests, not positions [3]. Through open communication. not only can we identify the emotions and stresses, but also the interests of all parties. What do we both really want here? It isn’t a set position, it is a culmination of needs or desires that likely has many avenues to procure it. When I took a new position with a large firm with lifer employees, I walked in with dreams of change and improvement. But I was met with conflict right away. Their perception of me was a threat-I was bringing in new work, threatening their reduced resources, and 'who was I anyway to tell them about their problems that need solutions?" It was tough, but I knew I needed to tap into my interpersonal skills. Understand their learning styles, personality styles, communication preferences and daily challenges. I tackled this through cultivating relationships and understanding their interests. I sat with them, I had lunch with them, I offered assistance in projects or meetings to build a working relationship and respect. It was not that they didn’t want a system that was more efficient, it was that they didn’t want a solution that exhausted more of their limited resources and took more time away from home while developing it. I could only discover that through communication and cultivating relationships.

The third step is a small leap from the second. Through communication we can be hard on the problem, not on the people [3]. Once we communicate with each other and outline what our interests are, our fears are, and stress triggers are, we can develop a solution around those problems. Therefore, the people are the least impacted by the resolution. We are also cultivating relationships and improving future negotiations because we have a foundation of people’s mental maps, their values and needs, and communication styles.

Lastly, we have to invent solutions for mutual gain [3]. How effective would steps one through three be if in the end we said “nice chat, but you will get nothing in exchange for your cooperation”. We have to have a quid pro quo relationship with our counterparts. So we have separated emotions from the problem, focused on needs and interests, and now we have the compass to the direction resolution needs to take. Brainstorming collaborations are helpful to list ideas and solutions and trim them down while addressing concerns and interests. Oftentimes, ideas in these sessions can solve more than the original issue, adding a boost to the mutual gain. During these sessions concessions can be made as well as tailored solutions to ensure all parties benefit from the solution. If their resources are limited, we may need to offer assistance from our team to help with a project, if training is an issue, we may need to find additional solutions to assist, if one project was too aggressive, we may need to scale back and piece it out in intervals. In the end, both parties are benefiting from the compromise and all it took was a little communication.

Conclusion

Most conflicts will arise because of ineffective communication. Being open minded, putting yourself in others’ shoes, and understanding their mental maps is the beginning to compromising and resolving conflict. Having a controlled guide, like outlined above, may assist in more professional settings to reach a goal. The best thing you can do to start this process is let go of your ego. You will get nowhere with it, its like concrete shoes in an ocean. If you need something, you have to be willing to break down barriers and put up bridges. The goal should never be ‘to win’ it should be to communicate, understand, cultivate relationships and create win-win situations.

Peace is not the absence of conflict, it is the ability to handle conflict by peaceful means -Ronald Reagan.

References:

Doherty, N., & Guyler, M. (2008). The Essential Guide to Workplace Mediation and Conflict Resolution. India: Replika Press.

Fisher, R., & Ury, W. (2011). Getting To Yes. New York : Penguin Group.

Ury, W. (1993). Getting Past No. New York: Bantam Books.