Getting Over Your Mother's Good Intentions
There’s a magic word I know that could clear a whole room. It’s a word that makes grown men panic and head for the hills. That word is “networking.”
Networking is a huge part of my coaching on how to raise private money to fund real estate deals. It doesn’t matter what business or profession you're in, networking is key to success. The better you are at networking, the more business you have; the more business you have, the more money you make.
How do you improve your networking skills? Stop listening to what your mother told you when you were a kid.
There are four things every good mother is sure to teach her children:
- Don’t talk to strangers.
- Wait to be introduced.
- Silence is golden.
- Good things come to those who wait.
With all due respect to my own mother, this is some of the worst advice from a business perspective! These four things have value when you’re 8 years old, but following these rules as an adult is a surefire way to make sure your business never gets off the ground. So I’ve rewritten them from a networking perspective.
Always talk to strangers (in safe situations).
If you’re walking home alone in the middle of the night and you see a guy shouting at some birds across the street, you probably shouldn’t go over and introduce yourself. But when it comes to networking and forming professional relationships, the fact is everyone in your life was once a stranger—your best friend, your spouse, even your business partner. The great benefit of introducing yourself to strangers is that you get to expand your circle of friends and colleagues. There's no telling who you're going to meet or what kind of bridge that connection will lead to.
When I meet someone, I remind myself of two things: 1) I’ve got an opportunity to serve, and 2) There’s no telling who they can introduce me to, regardless of who they are.
Don’t wait to be introduced.
I have good news: We don’t live in an old English novel. You don’t have to wait for a mutual friend to introduce you to someone you haven’t met in order to strike up a conversation. In fact, you really shouldn’t wait to be introduced.
Years ago, I attended a fundraiser event where the only other person in attendance I knew was the person who invited me. When I arrived, that person greeted me at the door, took my coat, and showed me where the food was. They knew everyone else at the event, but didn’t introduce me to a single person.
This isn’t a snub on my host. This story simply highlights the fact that we live in a culture today where people are expecting YOU to introduce yourself. People are expecting YOU to do the mingling.
At your next event, I challenge you to look around the room, find someone you don’t know, and engage them in conversation. If you don’t take the leap and introduce yourself, your only conversation is going to be with the gingerbread cookie on your plate.
Silence is impolite.
My friend, Debra, works in engineering, and has always been a bit of a wallflower. Fortunately for Debra, her friend Jeannie works for a Fortune 100 company, and is more than willing to take her to all sorts of great events. This is way out of Debra’s comfort zone.
At one of these events, Jeannie introduced Debra to a man who happened to be the Senior Vice President of Jeannie’s company. He was going around meeting everybody and made a point of meeting Debra because she was a guest of Jeannie. When he walked up and introduced himself, Debra was so taken aback she hardly said anything back.
Fast forward a few years to when Debra had the opportunity to move up to a pretty influential sales position with her company. She thought the man from the Fortune 100 company could really use her services. Debra gave him a call to pitch her services, and in response, he blew her out on the telephone, saying that he would never want to buy anything from the biggest snob he’d ever met in his life.
Being arrogant and being reserved are worlds apart, but the silence of either sounds similar. People can’t read your mind. By not saying anything, you can come off as if you think the person speaking to you isn’t worth your time. Don't let what happened to Debra happen to you.
Good things come to those who go get them!
In real estate, waiting is one of the biggest mistakes you can make. Just a few minutes can take an amazing deal off the market forever. Patience is a virtue, but this doesn’t mean you can sit around and hope something great falls in your lap. This is even more true when you’re networking.
Back in high school, the coolest kid at my school played in a rock band, got to wear jeans to school, and had all the girls falling all over him. With my green plaid polyester pants and briefcase, I did not have the so-called “cool factor. In my freshman year, I was intimidated by the cool guy, but I knew I wanted to become his friend. I hoped his coolness would rub off on me.
At the time, my dad was living in a condo on Bogue Sound, NC. My birthday was coming up and my dad told me to invite whoever I wanted to my birthday party. Of course, one kid in particular was at the top of my list. The problem was, he and I knew each other’s names, but we didn’t know each other.
So, the next day when I saw this kid in the hall at school, I walked up and let him know I was having a birthday party and wanted him to come. Bracing myself for rejection, he surprised me by saying, “Man, I’d love to come!”
He didn’t make me cool, but he did help me learn a lot about being cool. I credit him with helping me ditch the briefcase and polyester pants by sophomore year. He ended up being a great friend, but that never would’ve happened if I sat around waiting for him to talk to me. I had to go out and make that friendship happen. It was scary but worth the risk. It’s like Will Rogers said, “Step out on a limb; that’s where the fruit is.”
One of the biggest fears people have is public speaking; the second biggest is starting a conversation. Next time you’re at a function, remember everyone around you is just as scared to talk to someone they don’t know. So be the bravest person in the room and strike up a conversation. You’ll gain status, respect, rapport, and be seen as a leader.
And who knows? You might meet some pretty amazing people, too.
What's some advice your received as a child from your mother—or another influential adult—that you no longer follow as an adult?
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