Getting Over A Business Divorce - A Punks & Pinstripes Playbook

You cannot go through your career without going through a business divorce. People fall out of love with their business partners, colleagues, and companies all the time. In fact, by some estimates it's one of the leading causes of business failure.?

• A 2008 study by USC of 10,000 failed startups found that 65% cited irreconcilable conflict between the founders as the primary cause of collapse.
• A study by CB Insights analyzing 101 startup failures found that 13% were fueled by “disharmony between the team.”
• The adage that “people don’t quit a company, they quit their boss”, holds true for many of us.

As common as business divorce is, there are almost no resources for the people who go through it. It’s a problem that everyone has and no one likes to talk about.

So, Punks & Pinstripes , an exclusive network of the 100 most badass executives in business, decided to talk about it - in all its raw, emotional messiness.

Here’s what came up:

Business divorce is incredibly painful - One CxO at a major bank said, “in some respects going through a business divorce was harder than going through my divorce with my spouse.” Feelings of exploitation, loss, regret, anger make it hard to navigate the fog. “We’re expected to compartmentalize the pain. Business isn’t supposed to be personal” said one insurance executive, “But, feeling like you shouldn’t talk about it just makes it worse.”?

Regardless of how much we try to compartmentalize the situation, it’s very personal. Just like a marriage. When it doesn’t work out it is essential to give yourself time and space to grieve and regroup. You have to find people who can empathize and support you. It’s okay to feel like $hit.??

“There are certain arguments you need to have before you get married.”

- Joe Perella

“There were signals all along that I chose to ignore - until I couldn’t.” said a CTO in the tech hardware space. For many that early warning signal is physical - there’s a ‘feeling you get in your stomach’ that something isn’t right. For others it was a small transgression: information that should have been shared was withheld, they noticed their business partner acted like an asshole to subordinates, they were dishonest in a small way like fudging an expense report. Many regret not paying enough attention to these soft signals. It’s best to raise these concerns as soon as you see them. Because it’s easier to exit early.

Put differently, people want to believe what draws them into the relationship in the first place and so they overlook flaws. Don’t make that mistake: There are certain fights you need to have before you get business-married. Such as:

• Do you trigger one another when you argue or disagree?
• Do you have an incompatible risk appetite about money, talent, investors, etc...??
• Is one of you an alcoholic, addict, philanderer, compulsive gambler, or rage-aholic? (Not kosher to ask, but essential to know)
• Do you have incompatible levels of workaholism??
• Do you isolate and bury your concerns rather than share them constructively?
• What causes you to feel pressure (which is healthy) vs. stress (which is not)?
• In what situations do you withhold information or lie??
• Is the other person able to speak honestly about a major business regret they have in which they caused harm to someone else?
• How do you treat, mentor, and incentivize the people who work for you?
• Are they in a financially precarious position (debt, legal trouble, etc…) that will put undue pressure on your earnings?

These are the reasons business marriages end. You need answers to these questions before a new business marriage can begin.?

Acrimonious divorces beget rock-solid business prenups.?

Even if you have all the right fights before you get ‘business-married’ you still might find yourself in a terrible relationship. Some people are good at telling you exactly what you want to hear. We’ve all become smarter about how employment contracts need specific clauses that will be triggered if your business counterpart turns out not to be who you thought they were.? Be as expansive as you can about the penalty for violating the parameters that matter most to you. It’s worth investing in a good employment lawyer to make sure you’re covered. This should start a negotiation. But if it doesn’t, if your new business fiancee isn’t willing to even engage with your terms, then you have a strong early signal that something’s not right and you should walk.?

The breakdown is the breakthrough Each Punk has their story full of lessons and detours. What we know is that it made us resilient. We know better and will create exponentially more. Our terms of engagement have changed. We become more selective of the companies and people we choose to give our time, effort and attention. It makes us better Punks.?

If you're struggling with a business divorce, or need more conversations about real $hit with other business leaders, then you should apply to join Punks & Pinstripes , a network of the 100 most badass executives in business.