Getting defensive at work? This will help!

It’s easy to get defensive, especially when you feel your expertise or contributions are being questioned. Shifting your perception can make a huge difference, helping you become more effective and successful in your role.

Author and journalist Neil Strauss's 'Learn more. Know less' has been a guiding principle for me. True knowledge comes from a constant pursuit of learning, not from believing you already know everything.

While this might sound counterintuitive, it highlights a crucial distinction in how we approach challenges and feedback. The moment we believe we “know” something for sure, we close ourselves off to learning, potentially damaging work relationships and limiting career growth. In contrast, when we approach situations with creative thinking, we stay open and curious.

The trap of defensiveness

Defensiveness often stems from a desire to be right. When we think we have the correct answer or best solution, any opposing view can feel like a threat. This reaction can cloud our judgment, making us more focused on winning the argument than solving the problem. In doing so, we might miss out on valuable insights and collaboration opportunities.

Imagine a scenario where a colleague proposes a different strategy. If you’re in the mindset of “knowing” you’re right, you’ll likely respond defensively—rejecting their idea outright, perhaps even escalating the conversation into a debate. In contrast, if you embrace the idea of learning, you’ll be more likely to consider their perspective and engage in a productive dialogue.

By focusing on curiosity, you can move from being defensive to being more effective. When you shift your focus from “being right” to “getting it right,” you’ll find better solutions and build stronger relationships at work.

Adopt creative thinking to find solutions

The antidote to defensiveness is curiosity. When you approach your work with Creative thinking you will come up with unique, original solutions. Think back to when you were a student—did you push back with your teacher or mentor about their perspective? Most likely, you were open to absorbing knowledge, and refining your skills.

When you take on creative thinking at work, you give yourself permission to explore different approaches and ideas. This openness fosters creativity, collaboration, and innovation. You’ll also find that people are more willing to share their knowledge and support you because they sense that you’re genuinely interested in their input.

When confronted with differing opinions, ask yourself: What can I learn from this? Instead of reacting defensively, focus on the potential value of the other person’s viewpoint. Even if you don’t ultimately agree with their perspective, you’ll likely uncover insights that can improve the final outcome.

Let go of the need to be understood

One of the key reasons we get defensive is the desire to be understood. We want others to see things from our perspective, to validate our ideas, and to recognise our contributions. While this is a natural human inclination, it can be counterproductive.

Instead of focusing on being understood, shift your attention to ensuring you’re not being misunderstood. The distinction may seem subtle, but it’s critical. Being understood is about seeking deep validation, which can lead to frustration if it’s not met. On the other hand, avoiding misunderstanding focuses on clear communication and ensures that your message is received as intended.

Your goal should be effective communication, not emotional validation. Keep in mind that your colleagues or boss don’t need to 'get' you at a deep level for you to succeed. What matters is that you’re communicating your ideas clearly and avoiding confusion. By focusing on clarity rather than understanding, you’ll reduce the chances of miscommunication and defensiveness.

Use emotional intelligence to deal with criticism

No one enjoys criticism, but it’s a part of professional life. How you handle criticism can make or break your career. Apply emotional intelligence (EQ) skills, such as self-awareness, empathy, and self-regulation, to handle and respond to criticism effectively and constructively. Defensive reactions to criticism only serve to reinforce the perception that you can’t handle feedback. Instead, by taking a more measured approach, you can transform criticism into a valuable tool for growth.

First, consider the source of the criticism. Is it coming from a boss or colleague whose opinion truly matters to your professional development? If so, it’s worth paying attention. But if it’s from someone with little impact on your work or long-term success, you might need to take it with a grain of salt.

Ask yourself how much this criticism will matter six months from now. In many cases, the things we get defensive about are relatively minor. If the criticism is unlikely to have a lasting impact on your career, it’s not worth getting upset over. Save your energy for the feedback that truly matters.

If the criticism is from a superior and has potential long-term implications, take it seriously. But before you react, take a deep breath. Gather your thoughts, and then approach the situation calmly and constructively. A measured response not only shows professionalism but also gives you the chance to reflect on the feedback and identify areas for improvement.

How to respond to criticism

The next time you feel yourself getting defensive, try this simple strategy: pause and show a little curiosity. Ask the person for clarification, and genuinely try to understand their perspective. This shift from defence to inquiry can diffuse tension and create a more collaborative environment.

Consider saying: “I appreciate your feedback. Can you help me understand why you think this approach would work better?” This response demonstrates that you’re open to feedback and willing to learn, which will improve your relationships with colleagues but also enhance your own performance.

You can also practice humility by acknowledging that you don’t have all the answers. There’s a lot of power in admitting when you don’t know something. It shows you’re open to growth and learning, qualities that are highly valued in any professional setting.

Coping with unfair criticism

Unfortunately, not all criticism is fair or justified. When you receive unfair or harsh criticism, it can be tough to maintain composure. The key here is to separate your identity from your work. Remember that criticism of your work is not a personal attack—it’s feedback on a specific task or project.

When criticised unfairly, maintain a calm and polite manner. Respond with professionalism, even if the criticism feels unwarranted. A simple response like: “I understand you weren't satisfied with the result. I understood this to be the approach you wanted. I’d be happy to make adjustments if needed,” can diffuse the situation and keep the focus on problem-solving rather than personal attacks.

If you find that criticism is frequent and consistently negative, it may be time to evaluate whether your current role is truly fulfilling. Constant criticism, especially if it’s unfair or unjust, can lead to emotional exhaustion and impact your well-being. If you find yourself in this situation, consider seeking support from a mentor or therapist who can help you navigate these challenges.

The role of self-care to maintain a positive outlook

Working in a challenging environment where criticism is common can take a toll on your emotional and mental well-being. That’s why self-care is essential. Take regular breaks throughout your workday, get outside for fresh air, and engage in physical activities like walking, pilates, or swimming. These activities can help you maintain a positive mindset, even in the face of criticism or challenging situations.

Taking care of your well-being also involves setting boundaries. When you leave the office, truly leave work behind. Resist the temptation to work late or check emails after hours. Your time outside of work is important for recharging and maintaining a healthy work-life balance.

Defensiveness and emotional triggers

When you feel defensive, take a moment to pause and ask yourself what’s triggering that response. Are you feeling threatened because you want to maintain a certain image? Are you defending someone else’s position? By understanding what’s causing your defensiveness, you can take steps to address it more constructively.

For example, if you realise that your defensiveness comes from a fear of being wrong, remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes. Being wrong isn’t a reflection of your worth or ability. It’s simply part of the learning process.

Defensiveness is a natural reaction, but it doesn’t have to control you. By adopting a learner’s mindset, letting go of the need to be understood, and handling criticism with grace, you’ll become more adaptable, resilient, and successful in your career. Embrace curiosity, stay open to feedback, and watch your professional relationships and career prospects flourish.

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