Getting Cat Scanned

We share our home with three animals -- a dog and two cats. One cat and the dog were adopted. The other cat adopted us. We're big believers in rescue animals. Too many in shelters. Too few homes.

Many rescue organizations now require an application before approving an adoption -- some even do site visits to make sure the animal is going to a good place. But what if a cat was allowed to interview prospective "parents"? To wit:

Please answer the following. If you have questions keep them to yourself as I'm sleeping.

1) If I come home with you, where will I sleep:

• A folded blanket
• A cat bed
• On your bed

This is a trick question. I sleep wherever I please.

2) Cat toys are:

• A good way for kitty to get some exercise
• A fun way to watch kitty play
• A waste of money that could have been spent on high-end catfood

3) Dressing me in a "funny" costumes is:

• A way to create a cute holiday card
• A way to amuse you at my expense
• A prelude to an involuntary blood donation

4) If you find me on a kitchen counter you should:

• Shoo me off with a rolled up newspaper
• Squirt me with water
• Make sure I don't have to chew through a bag to get to the food stored there

5) You have friends with a toddler, who has never been around a cat. Before they visit the first time you should:

• Put me in a room where the toddler will not see me
• Ask your friends to teach their toddler to be gentle with me
• Get new friends

6) The best way to train a cat is:

• With firm, stern commands and repetition
• Using treats as a reward
• Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Yer killin' me.

7) You see me pacing and meowing. That means:

• I'm anxious
• I'm happy
• I'm f-ing with you

8) I cough up a hairball on the rug. You should:

• Use simple carpet spray cleaner
• Get a steam cleaning machine
• Like I care

[Jim Osterman can be reached at [email protected], but he may be busy feeding his cats. Again.]