Getting Better at Apologizing

NOTE: This week’s Remote Notes is guest-written by Yan-Chi "Angie" Tung , a longtime tech product and project manager, whom I know through our work in common at NPR in the 2010s. I’ve always found Angie to be thoughtful, and I invited her to join us to share her thoughts. Angie has chosen a fascinating topic:?How to improve our apologies.

I’ve been reading?David LaRochelle's How to Apologize?(Candlewick, May 2021; Illustrated by Mike Wohnoutk) to my 4-year-old. I love it. There are clear directions, adorable art, and it has an age-appropriate narrative. It solicited excellent questions from my child that got me thinking about how we can reference and model apologies during our day-to-day interactions. It puts theory into practice, the best kind of “how-to” book.

I’ve been inspired to improve my own apologies and I’ve been reading more from mental health experts about how to apologize effectively. Here’s what I’ve learned about the four components of an effective apology:

1. Express Regret

“I am sorry for X.” Be specific. This shows that we have heard and understood what was hurtful.

2. Accept Responsibility

“I was wrong to … ”?

Showing regret alone doesn’t show that we are accepting responsibility for our actions. Adding this layer shows that we are responsible for the hurtful action.

3. Make Restitution

“What can I do so you can trust me in the future?” This gives the other person a say in how to repair your relationship.

4. Genuinely Promise Change

“Here’s how I will make amends.” This shows we understand how the other person would like for us to make restitution and that we will commit to making that change to prevent future hurt. Describe actionable steps.

My opinion is that most adults are fairly terrible at apologies. We do it poorly, or we don’t do it at all (like?this guy). I thought, what would it be like to review and rewrite public apologies using these four components??

(Un)fortunately, there is no shortage of public blunders and poorly written apologies. Here’s an example from February 2022:?A Massachusetts Montessori school instructed toddlers to make and wear blackface masks as a Black History Month project. The school then posted a brief apology on Facebook. When they received additional backlash, they issued?an official, problematic statement. Here’s what I found:

• No sincere expression of regret: They wrote they were sorry "to every and anyone this may have offended." They have most definitely offended “many-ones,” and there is zero “may have” about it.
• No acceptance of responsibility: There are too many excuses and irrelevant information. "We were trying to [say]..." and “we would like to end by saying we have had a multicultural diverse staff, and families ranging from African American, Spanish, to Asian so (etc)”
• Attempt to claim victimhood: "We are forced to close the ICKids daycare at this time for safety concerns."

Overall, this apology was a prime candidate for a rewrite, using the four components outlined above (as well as grammar corrections).?

Here's the full rewrite.

My takeaways are:

• Effective, sincere apologies take time, effort, and focus. The total time for the rewrite was around four hours, from fact-finding to researching different solutions, to organizing and writing the new apology.
• These four components helped me structure this apology. I had little doubt about what to say – instead, I was able to think deeply about what happened, what I should do, how to make this better, and reach actionable solutions.
• I was easily able to steer away from the temptation to make excuses for what happened. While I am not personally invested in this particular apology, the temptation is to reiterate “but I am a good person” when my actions inflict pain on others. This framework helped me to focus on saying “sorry.”
• I felt that if this was my apology, I would be more invested in the solutions and more committed to making changes.

The internet’s audience is ever-expanding, and it brings old news to fresh eyes. People are more unforgiving toward strangers, especially if their first impression is a mistake. How can anyone effectively apologize to the world in perpetuity??

I believe that the answer lies in two more parts of an effective apology:?make restitution,?then?genuinely promise change.?To be forgiven by as many people as possible, an apology and steps toward improvement need to be seen by as many people as possible. If people can find clear evidence online that the offender has made concrete steps toward improvement, that apology should have more of an impact than the offense.?

Here are a few examples:

• In Werner Herzog's documentary From One Second to the Next, he interviewed?Reggie Shaw, who killed two men while he was texting and driving. After serving time and community service, Shaw continued his work as an advocate against distracted driving.
• The?Pope apologized to the indigenous peoples of Canada?this past summer. The details of the restitution he promised were vague. However, no other leaders of the Catholic church have made such a public, sincere apology with a promise to change.
• Beyoncé and Lizzo?both swiftly changed song lyrics after using an ableist slur. Both women took responsibility for their errors and improved on their oversight. (A note:?it is important to recognize the racial dynamics of these criticisms.)
• Christian Piciolini, a former Neo-Nazi, is now dedicating his life to extremism/violence prevention.

We are human and we err. I don’t believe that the internet mob is fair and just, but I do often find terrible apologies and think that the author is really asking for it. (Remember this guy? Sorry, pal, too little too late.) For anyone who finds themselves in a position of the internet-damned, there is hope; follow the four components of an effective apology. Take the necessary time to let that apology be your folly’s internet legacy. As for the mob, maybe we practice giving the trespassers a tiny bit of grace by reading more than just the headline that highlights their offense. I believe that there is always the possibility that we can find some forgiveness.

REMOTE NOTES

Newsletter #43

Founder/Writer: Steve Safran

Editor: John Cockrell

Copyright 2023

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