Get Your Phil Friday - Round 22

Today’s article topic comes courtesy of Jeff Castrovillari. Jeff has been a frequent contributor to the Get Your Phil parade of nonsense, and I’m glad to have his keen eye for satire on my side. Jeff proposed that I dust off an old article and update it for today. I had a lot of fun last year creating new business phrases to replace the old and busted terms (has anyone told a colleague to “take it to the chorus” lately?). It’s time for an encore performance. Ladies and gentlemen and neither, I give you updated versions of 2020’s most overused terms and phrases. 

• Old terminology: Unprecedented
• New terminology: I forgot this has happened before
• Used in a sentence: “These sure are crazy, I forgot this has happened before times we are living in. I wish I had paid attention in history class so I would know what our ancestors did after the last time.”

• Old terminology: Pandemic
• New terminology: Down with the sickness 
• Used in a sentence: “In 2020 the world faced an alarming down with the sickness that changed the world in many I forgot this has happened before ways.”

• Old terminology: Lockdown
• New terminology: Minimal couch distance
• Used in a sentence: “The City of Dallas has issued a Minimal couch distance order for all residents. Please stay within 50 feet of your couch unless you are an essential worker.”

• Old terminology: Quarantine
• New terminology: Be germ selfish
• Used in a sentence: “My uncle got sick, so his doctor asked him to be germ selfish for the next two weeks.”

• Old terminology: Social distance
• New terminology: Smell zone
• Used in a sentence: “That grocery store sure was crowded last night. I wish people would maintain the correct smell zone and back up already.”

• Old terminology: Working from home
• New terminology: Traffic-less
• Used in a sentence: “Attention employees – all of you are asked to be traffic-less for the foreseeable future. Stay away from the office, but if you do need to come in, please maintain a smell zone of at least 6 feet.”

• Old terminology: Zoom call
• New terminology: Meet eye to lens
• Used in a sentence: “I miss interacting with my co-workers, but it’s been nice to at least meet eye to lens. Eventually we’ll get to stop being traffic-less and have lunch together.”

• Old terminology: To Their-Name’s Point
• New terminology: To Dogpile
• Used in a sentence: “Heather, completely agree with you and to dogpile, here’s the same thing you said in a slightly different way.”

• Old terminology: Abundance of caution
• New terminology: Pre-emptive butt covering
• Used in a sentence: “The City of Dallas has issued a minimal couch distance order for residents due to a pre-emptive butt covering.”

• Old terminology: You’re on mute
• New terminology: Silent but eloquent
• Used in a sentence: “Hey, Alan? We can see your lips moving and I think you’re silent but eloquent.”

• Old terminology: Pivot
• New terminology: Hokey Pokey
• Used in a sentence: “Our company is facing I forgot this has happened before times, so we have decided to hokey pokey our business model towards producing memes instead of accounting software.”

• Old terminology: Attempted Coup
• New terminology: King and a Miss
• Used in a sentence: “Did you see all those people at the capitol a few weeks ago? The news said it was a King and a Miss.”

I’ll expect each of you to do your best to introduce and maintain these new phrases until everyone has forgotten the originals. At that point I’ll get to make up a whole new batch of ridiculous sayings. I'm pretty sure that's how the first dictionary was written and why we're on version 11 of Webster's.  

-Philip