Get super comfortable leading over the phone

Article 7 in the "Leading from Afar" series, written by Lisa Lande, Ph.D.

Technology and hence our ability to stay connected voice-to-voice and even face-to-face via video, has come a long way in the last decade. There's really no financial or auditory downside excusing you from picking up the phone and having those important conversations that can keep you hooked in. So why do many of us shy away from doing so? Put simply, we're naturally so reliant on the non-verbals that we send and receive in our face-to-face communications that in comparison, conversations conducted over a phone line can feel stilted, awkward, and even uncomfortable. Well here's some good news for you: with a little extra effort and attention, you can get over this predicament pretty easily and help others do the same along the way. Even better still, the attention you apply to listening for subtlety in your conversations serves to practice and strengthen your overall awareness. 

For those of you who have consistently been reading this series, you know by now that awareness of self and others, combined with the ability to act correctly on that awareness, lies at the heart of leadership. Yet this article also focuses on the art of balance, as you will soon learn. So you can't get a better return on investment than to take advantage of your remote work environment and spend greater quality time on the phone. The emphasis here is on the word quality. Of course you already talk on the phone. We all do and often too much. The key here and the defining characteristic of note, is whether or not you're making the most of it. Being conscious and intentional while conducting your business there. Doing so will not only heighten your awareness skills, it will also keep you engaged with the people and the activities taking place at home, contributing too to the ease of your return when that time comes (for more on this topic, visit article 6 Keep Yourself Present in Mind when you Can't be There in Body). And as all effective leaders know, when you reach out to and engage with others, you bring them along with you. They too benefit from the phone engagements you initiate, as they gain comfort and skill communicating in this fashion.  So let's cover four core strategies that may help you, and in the process others, optimize the discussion.

One: Be organized

Planning the content of your call around the purpose and its desired outcome is a wise way to maintain focus and appropriate control of your conversations. When sending invitations to speak, which is recommended of course if there's a true outcome you wish to have from the call, it is a good idea to send a bullet or two outlining that purpose and desired outcome. This way all are ready to roll as soon as the receiver is picked up. Not only does this level of organization help you stay on task, it also goes a long way to support the perception of you as a grounding leader, one who offers a sense of control where it is possible to do so.

Let's say a bit more about contributing to a sense of control. We all respond well to knowing what’s expected, even those who thrive on change and respond well to ambiguity. Why? Because there is enough in life that we cannot control, that the majority of us strive to have a handle on what we can control. So offer folks stability where you are able. Ground them with known information as much as possible. People want to follow those who give them a sense of knowing, a sense of security. This is not always consciously known by others, but it is a very human desire that is actually quite primitive. Who knew something as simple as defining a meeting’s objectives could be a salve for one of our most basic natures? Leadership is funny that way.

Two: Listen! more than you speak and for subtlety in communication

This can be tough for many of us. First, because most of us have a difficult time listening more than speaking. And second, because we humans tend to give credence to those cues that are obvious and reinforced in our environment. Let's start with listening more than we speak. This doesn't mean you have to limit yourself to speaking fifty percent or less of the time (you talkers out there can breath a sigh of relief), particularly if the conversation is with someone less verbal. Yet it does means you have to listen actively, even when you are speaking. The most valuable information is found around the words, in what's happening through behaviors as well as non-behaviors such as pauses, hesitations, throat clearing, flat or emotionless speech or too quick or clipped responses, tight or forced laughter, or a quivering or steady and strong voice. These have wrongly been labeled "weak signals", but this is only because we have not developed the sensitivity to attend to these cues. Funny how they become strong cues and signals once we attend to them, reframing the human and our inability or lack of attention as the only thing soft in this equation. To attend to these cues, requires attention in every context, as subtlety is unique to the situation in which it appears, requiring us to listen intently for these micro-cues being sent. To add to the fun, in parallel, effective observers (yes, we observe in the act of listening) are forming patterns and conclusions from these micro-cues, or data if you will. They are putting these little pieces of subtle information together, formulating insights into what is taking place within and throughout the entirety of the interaction - from "watching" themselves, the person or persons on the other side of the phone-line, and the dynamic formed between all. 

And then there are some of us who only apply conscious reflection after the call. Even though they weren't aware in the moment, they are still able to successfully break down or isolate the specific cues that led them to a conclusion about the meeting. Because the really neat thing is, whether you want to or not, most of us formulate at least an opinion about the call even if we weren't conscious of the cues or data being communicated while on the call itself. We say things like, "I have a feeling" it went well or poorly, as the case may be. Others, who miss the opportunity to pay deep and conscious attention either during or upon reflection afterwards, often give credit to their gut or to instinct for their knowing. This is where we give up a great deal of leadership power and healthy control, an unfortunate situation because it can so easily be avoided.

Deferring responsibility for an insight you have and also labeling it as "a feeling", your "gut", or instinct is a sad and even a lazy act. How dare I say so? Because behind all of our gut insights lies a whole lot of data and cues that led us to those insights. We just aren't currently sensitive to, aware enough, or yet trained to see them. What we have commonly come to know as instinct is ultimately a collection of subtle cues that have formed a pattern that ultimately lead us to an insight. We are typically conscious of the final insight, yet often put no effort into identifying the subtle information that got us there. Malcolm Gladwell in his book "Blink", shares compelling research demonstrating how our unconscious mind picks up cues and patterns long before our conscious minds do. Sherlock as played in the contemporary television series “Sherlock” (if you haven’t watched it yet, DO), would without doubt agree. Well the good news is, we can train our minds to work a bit more like Sherlock's and get better at identifying the subtle details that often hide behind consciousness. It's called focused awareness, a critically powerful skill for a leader to have.

A bit more about Sherlock and instinct

Sherlock, the greatest crime solver of all time, has this uncanny ability to read a situation in the blink of an eye. He can glance around a room or directly at a person, and in moments consciously process and report out on the subtle cues that scream at him the obvious answer to all. He then formulates a complete report of everything that transpired in a few concise explanations. If you told Sherlock that he had good instincts, he'd be offended. He wouldn't dare defer his own astute read of a situation to something as base as instinct. We have a mind after all! We're better than mere animals of course! Animals respond to instinct and mere mortals, yet we of higher minds... Anyway, you would have just insulted his deep intelligence.

Being mere mortal, most of us have at least occasionally credited instinct for an insight we've had, failing to note or cite the specific subtle cues that existed in our environment at the time, that led you to them. Sherlock would call us mentally lazy in those moments. Because Sherlock reads subtlety so meticulously and with such ease, that he is able to answer for all that we of lesser skill often write off as instinct. While all of us would benefit from having the advanced awareness skills of a Sherlock, few of us do. So if you haven't yet built this skill, there's no time like the present to start. And practicing over the phone is a terrific venue to do so, since your observation has to be heard. As subtle as it can get. Let's discuss some techniques that may help raise your awareness and strengthen your ability to isolate subtlety.

An aside: two broad levels of awareness

In a class I teach, How to Provide Feedback that Leads to Change, I use an analogy that may also be helpful here. Like with leading over the phone, listening actively is paramount to successfully leading others to change behavior. Leading someone to a behavioral change requires conscious attention to subtlety on both non-verbal and verbal levels, just as it does over the phone. (Nice to know this skill is majorly transferable once you strengthen it. An added bonus.) To build this capability, I ask participants to practice being in two places at the same time: on the dance floor where they interact with the specific details and individual cues that present themselves moment-to-moment, and simultaneously on the balcony, observing the patterns that arise from the dance of details below. In the vernacular of organizational-speak, this is similar to effectively balancing tactical (details, steps, specific actions) and strategic (big picture, thematic) thinking, a desired competency for leadership.

To be both tactical and strategic and move seamlessly from the dance floor to the balcony, requires practice. The majority of us are not simply born able to reside on both levels with equal comfort. Most of us prefer one location over the other. Many, for instance, just want to be down on the floor, dancing among the details and managing the daily fires that are in need of being tapped down time and time again. These are our tactically minded folks. The challenge for our dance floor folks who never come up to see the dance from above, they miss the cues that link and emerge into clear patterns from this higher plane. These are the patterns that can lead to insight into efficient and permanent solutions, those that may keep fires from breaking out once and for all. Unable to view the scene from above and see the situation fully, dance floor aficionados cannot identify the redundancies and inefficiencies that, ironically, are exactly what they on the ground love to manage. By not at least occasionally heading upstairs to look down from below, they stand in their own way, unable to have the maximum and efficient impact they pride themselves on realizing. What a shame!

Tip for floor dancers: Consciously practice stepping back from your details and on occasion ask yourself, "How are these facts adding up? Is there any pattern or link between them?" If you find this activity frustrating, remind yourself that you'll ultimately be realizing one of your most important motivators, maximum efficiency and resource management. By seeking a common theme that links all of these beautiful data points, you hit the problem at its root, saving time, money, and unnecessary repetition.

And then there are our preferred strategists and visionaries who watch solely from above, avoiding at all costs all of those moving parts downstairs. They are keen to see the patterns that emerge as they observe all below. These balcony lovers easily identify the root cause and the common denominator for those seemingly disparate pieces of data. Hooray! Well not really. If our great pattern builders are unable to act on their big picture perspective, it diminishes their impact and detracts from their reputation as a comprehensive leader. Once again, their limitation gets in their own way of realizing their dream. The avoidance of detail inhibits their ability to realize desired and necessary changes for their organizations. Again, what a waste.

Tip for balcony dwellers: Actively practice breaking down your big picture insights into the cues that contributed to them. A few minutes of reflection, a pen and paper to capture, and you're set. Build a map moving deductively, or backwards, starting from your big picture insight, back through all details, to its origin. Keep doing this until it starts to happen naturally and regularly.

So, the moral of this fine story? Exceptional leadership requires us to see the world from both the dance floor and the balcony. To optimize our ability to drive change, we must call on the perspectives and skills found on both levels: we need to attend to the details found on the ground level in order to form a clear and specific big picture perspective and plan to realize it, and we need the big picture image formed from the higher level to identify a workable and efficient strategy. In sum, the two working together and reinforcing each other is what ultimately drives and realizes healthy change.

Back to our phone call

So how again does this relate to getting comfortable leading on the phone? Because that same dual perspective is necessary and critical to making the most of your calls. And focusing on attending to both levels helps to keep you aware. When we speak with others on the phone, first and foremost we want to be present (which means being 'here and now') and conscious, focused on the details and the subtlety being conveyed moment to moment. At certain points in the conversation we often find that an insight or overall observation materializes, something like, "Shawn is bored; I better ask him a question." or, "Everyone's really engaged on the call today. This is going well." In other words, we will find ourselves shifting naturally and without effort to the balcony, patterns emerging without effort on our part. The important thing is recognizing its happened, that you've gone to the balcony and identified a theme. It's also true that at times we are focusing so intently on the moment to moment discussion, that we are unable to acknowledge or identify themes during the call but only after, when we can step back and reflect on it. And finally, there are times where we proactively head to the balcony, consciously making an effort to reflect on the situation at hand, and ask ourselves, "What am I seeing here?" Whichever way it happens, the critical piece here is ensuring you've consciously reflected on your call from both angles, from the dance floor and the balcony. You're doing so to ensure you stay 100% engaged, that others stay 100% engaged, and that you provide the most comprehensive solution or plan forward possible. Make sense?

Let's look back to a coaching call shared in article 4, Carefully and Thoughtfully Apply Driving, Guiding, and Letting Go, to illustrate how this dance floor-balcony thing can work over the phone. Lets refresh your memory: in that article I described an over the phone coaching session held with a supervisor who had a few weeks prior, attended a leadership development workshop. This brief thirty-minute coaching call with him was a standard part of the workshop experience, intended to help participants reflect on their experiences and consider their development path forward.

In article 4, I described distinct and independent verbal and non-verbal behaviors (e.g., dance floor observations) that collectively formed patterns and consequently lead to conclusions about my coachee (balcony conclusions). Two related themes appeared to me from above based on the data and details I observed "from the floor". First, I sensed his skepticism and reluctance to engage with this entire developmental experience, so the workshop and this follow-up coaching component. Second, through our dance floor discussion, I recognized a critical development opportunity for him, coincidentally aligned with the point of this article: my coachee would greatly benefit from raising his conscious awareness in his interactions. He was unable to identify few if any specifics that explained or showed insight into his self-acknowledged strong leadership skills. His awareness stopped at being lucky enough to have been born with his capabilities. A gut knowing.Though conceivably true, I had trouble agreeing with his self-assessment due to the lack of data he was able to provide to support it. He could have gained my confident agreement had he cited the specific date that led him to this conclusion, yet it was not demonstrated.

Because I was unable to fully engage him in this brief session, I know I was unsuccessful in getting him to see he could do better at watching himself more actively. At least not within the time period of the call. I remain hopeful that he later reflected on our discussion, processed it, and began to identify what specifically he did that made him as effective as he believed himself to be. Because that awareness, that deep meta-awareness we gain when we consciously observe from above and reflect on our behavior, is truly what distinguishes a leader from a performer.

For those of you who would like a practice opportunity, please revisit article 4 and search for the discrete data points (Those specific tactical, dance floor items) that led me to my conclusions (those strategic, big picture balcony items). Doing so will help you become more aware of your own dance floor and balcony action. Because it's time to start being as consciously engaged in your conversations and interactions as possible. Why? Because the best leaders do so. It is what allows them to master each situation, to flex on a dime, to maintain calm in a storm, to solve problems through specifically defined and measured actions in service of a greater goal and toward a clear vision, and to have others willingly and comfortably follow their example, their leadership. These leaders, when asked to explain what makes them successful in any particular situation, are able to quickly and succinctly define the situation from the perspective of both the dance floor and the balcony. Not in a self-aggrandizing way, but in a reflective and objective manner that defines the essence of their performance so others too can follow in suit.    

Three: Play back what you hear and feel beyond the words to compensate for lost non-verbal cues

Since those on the call with you may not have read this article or developed keen listening and attention skills to the level we've discussed, they may need a bit of guidance. Just like the exceptional leader defined above, you will soon be ready to help others develop a more attuned sensitivity over the phone and elsewhere. This is the part where you make others comfortable on the phone. And you can do so by filling in for those lost non-verbal cues, sharing your now conscious observations and reflections overtly and out loud. The cool thing is, you doing so will also help others develop these advanced awareness skills for themselves. And they will. Because you will be role-modeling the desired behavior and shaping theirs, even if they aren't yet consciously aware you are doing so. Know your reflection on observed cues and consequent conclusions helps others develop a similar set of skills, even if they are initially unaware that they're learning from you. It's an awesome responsibility when you think about it. It's called accountability, owning up to the impact each of us have on our environment and organization with every action we take. And our level of accountability is only as great as our awareness of our behavior. Another compelling reason to raise your awareness actually. Know I'll be writing more about accountability in Article 9.

So let's discuss how to help others develop their awareness skills in a bit more detail. (And by the way, the learning here will apply whether you are on the phone or there in person.) It's actually really easy to assist others with these skills if your attention has become more disciplined and focused. In other words, if you're been paying greater conscious attention on your calls. All you have to do is reflect back, or replay out loud, what you’re hearing or seeing to the person or persons you are speaking with. Comments like, “Hey Mary, I’d like to make an observation before we move on. When we started, you indicated that you felt we had the right path set to forge ahead. Yet in the last few minutes, you’ve said ‘but’ four times in response to some of the path's proposed actions and then pointed out a number of sound cautions that might wisely have us reconsider some of our proposal. And just a moment ago, you took a long pause before you agreed with what was said. More, it didn't sound to me as if you were agreeing comfortably...it sounded like this: ‘yeeeesssss, I agree’, as if you weren’t 100% confident. Truly, if you have hesitations, we rely on and value your judgement and insight, so let’s talk them through any reservations so we can all feel grounded in this plan forward and know it's as strong as it can be. That's critically important because our work here is helping to shape the future of this company, so we want to get this right. And if all is okay and I’m misinterpreting things here, just let me know.”

Now I’ve overplayed this in order to illustrate what reflection might look like. Reflective statements have a couple of common characteristics. First, they are respectfully positioned so the receiver stays open and engaged. And second, the behaviors of note are stated specifically and objectively, not as an overarching and potentially inaccurate judgment. Why? Because perceptions lacking any concrete and specific behaviors supporting them, run the risk of coming across as personal attacks, serving only to alienate the receiver. For example, if our speaker had said, “Mary, you’re being passive aggressive here" or "You’re dragging your feet”, Mary would likely have responded defensively or even worse, completely disengage. In short, take the time to cite specific, measurable, and objective observations if you want to keep your phone partner – or any discussion partner for that matter – engaged and empowered. 

Whether our phone leader's conclusion was off or not, she has given Mary the opportunity to reflect on her own behavior and consciously attend to its impact on the discussion. Since our leader cited the observed behaviors specifically, measurably, and objectively, we know they are accurate and that Mary will very likely accept them without resistance. Reflecting specific, measurable and objective behaviors or cues, allows Mary to explain her honest opinion (if the leader's interpretation was accurate), or offer the reason for her behavior, maybe unrelated to the plan altogether (if the leader's interpretation was inaccurate). Maybe for example, she will explain her mind is elsewhere do to a personal matter that is getting in her way and making it difficult to focus. The bottom line here is, reflection is powerful. It lets your audience know you are deeply attentive and engaged. It gives you the opportunity to check in with others and ensure that they too are staying attentive and engaged. It builds credibility because you are using data to influence an honest discussion. And it role-models the critical behaviors of all great leaders, the ability to reflect and accurately convey what is being experienced while encouraging and allowing others to do the same. This is how trust is built. More, this is how great, healthy and productive culture is created, through the demonstration of correct and conscious behavior that empowers accountable leadership of all, and in turn nurtures the creation of trusting relationships. Not a bad return on investment, all for the price of a bit of conscious attention.

Four: Summarize outcome, actions, and next steps

We are at the end of the call. It is time to ground again, just as you did in advance of the meeting when you sent out the planned agenda, and again at the start of your call when you reviewed the meeting's purpose and its intended outcome. Now, at the end of your conversation, you have a few more opportunities to offer some control to participants and convey you are comfortably in control yourself. For example, it is helpful to restate all outcomes related to the initial purpose set for the discussion. Also, a complete and concise review of follow-up actions and related owners is a great way to ensure expectations are clear and set. Also, always check in with those on the phone with you to make sure there is no unfinished business or missing pieces. And of course you want to thank your phone guest or guests for their time. If you really want to impress, after your call, draft and send a concise summary. Ideally send this out the same day, but no later than the end of the day following or it loses its impact and momentum. This ensures too that you have a hard copy for reference and a means of tracking progress. By following this guidance, you ensure your call is a success, not only for executing work well, but for establishing credibility and confidence in your leadership skills.

In Close: The Necessary Balance of Lifting and Grounding

When we master how to effectively use the phone as a leadership tool, we inevitably understand that it calls for an ability to both ground others and lift others, a blend of management and leadership skills. And just so you know, you don’t have to have a formal title of manager to leverage management skills. We want to have a blend of both, management and leadership skills, to truly perform as an exceptional leader. Through effective management of our efforts, we can ground others so they have a base and sense of position. And through effective leadership skills, we are able to lift others so they experience a sense of value, empowerment, and a feeling of being a part of something greater than themselves.

Again, it is irrelevant what title you carry within your organization. There is not a one of us who doesn’t benefit from the effective use and blending of both sets of skills, management and leadership. Why? Because the effective use of both enhances our overall credibility and contributes to our ability to garner the support and confidence of others. An exceptional leader calls upon solid management skills to ensure all know how they specifically contribute to a large and ambitious undertaking, and an outstanding manager leverages strong leadership attributes like engagement of others in the planning process and implementation, inspiring them towards a grand vision. Similar to how we want to balance time spent on the dance floor with time spent on the balcony, we also need to ground as well as lift others if we want them to willingly and comfortably follow our lead. Make sense? We want to lift them with a vision, an ability to see the big picture, and an ability to empower and engage, and also ground them in pragmatic considerations like sound agendas, clear action plans, and a means of tracking success. Each makes the other stronger than they are alone. A leadership gestalt.

So let's review this balancing act by reflecting on the steps and actions that occurred in our hypothetical phone call held between our fictional leader and Mary. Throughout the call, our leader demonstrated strong management skills through a number of actions. First, she sent out the discussion’s purpose and agenda in advance of the call. Second, she began the call with a quick review of the purpose and desired outcome. Third and at the end of the call, she reviewed the accomplishments, noted actions and owners, and identified next steps. Fourth, she managed her time, by pacing the discussion in line with the time allocated. All of these concrete demonstrations of management grounded their discussion, grounded her audience, and contributed to her credibility as a leader, one who keeps the situation under just the right level of control. Yet without the leadership skills there too, bringing some air and levity to the situation as well as keen listening and engagement skills, the conversation would have run the risk of being a dull and mechanical one...uninspired and uninspiring, disconnected from her audience, and consequently limited in impact. 

So where did leadership factors come into play? Leadership was apparent in all of the lifting behaviors our leader demonstrated. For example, consciously linking the discussion and its outcome to a higher purpose. Taking the time to engage, empower, and inspire Mary through active listening and reflecting back what she heard in a clear and thoughtful way, and knowing doing so would also allow Mary to reflect on her own behaviors and their impact. Pretty neat and powerful stuff! Why in the world they are labeled soft skills is curious indeed. What a misnomer when you consider that these so-called soft skills can be incredibly difficult to develop precisely because they are so situation-dependent and nuanced. Not to mention, they are even more challenging to apply. Yet that is exactly why the leadership side of the house benefits so greatly from its partnership with the grounding behaviors of effective management. They really are a match made in heaven when thoughtfully integrated.

In sum, without the stabilizing effects of good management, leaders would float away on the wisps of their ethereal dreams. And without the lifting eyes of visionary and inspiring leadership, managers (that is anyone who manages their business in this context) would bore into a hole with only their checklists there to keep them company... Okay, I got a little carried away there, yet you get it. Our the goal is to bring both skill sets to the table for maximum impact. Your ability to use your remote working environment to take full advantage of practicing the art of balance - with movement on both the dance floor and the balcony, as well as with management and leadership skills - is a gift to both you and to those you invite to speak with you. So pick up that phone!

Please check in next week to read more about the importance of regularly tracking your activity, a skill that not only captures your accomplishments but also acts as a motivator.

Leading from Afar series, Article Titles and Dates

1.  Let Go to Grow, May 28

2.  Shift Your Measure of Success, June 4

3. Reflect on Your Behaviors and the Motivations behind Them, June 11

4.  Thoughtfully Apply Driving, Guiding, and Letting go, June 18

5. Nurture Your Relationships Consciously, June 25

6.  Keep Yourself Present in Mind When You Can't Be There In Body, July 2

7.  Get Super Comfortable Leading Over the Phone, July 9

8.  NEXT: Track Your Activity Regularly, July 16

9.  Make Yourself Accountable, July 23

10. Make Sure Your Success Impacts Someone at Home, July 30

11. Create a Schedule That Works and Make it Work, August 6

12. Enjoy the Experience, August 13