Get a Suit!

Setting: A luxurious shop with high-end, bespoke, and off-the-rack suits under their house brand. A fancy sales counter dominates the setting with a comfy chair off to the side.?It is present day. In this scene we answer the question, “What if Looking for a Suit Was Like Trying to Find a Job?”

Characters:

• Tiffany: A well-dressed, enthusiastic long time sales associate
• Pearce: A man looking for a suit.
• Kyle: Another shop employee, somewhat of a “Chad” with ambition.
• Boy: A child 10 years old.

[Scene opens with Tiffany arranging ties at the counter. The door chimes pleasantly. Pearce walks in looking forward with great prospect.]

Tiffany: (Cheerfully) Welcome to Mr. FAAGN’s Fine Suits.? Join us won't you!

Pearce: (Looking around) I think I'd very much like to do that.

Tiffany: Well, as I'm sure you've heard, at Mr. FAANG we are absolutely customer obsessed and you look like a customer who appreciates a top-tier suit.?How can I help you? ?

Pearce: I saw an ad featuring one of your suits.? I beleve it’s a perfect fit. I submitted my measurements and some information about my last few suits on your website.

Tiffany: Ah and which suit caught your eye?

Pearce: The Executive Two-Button Wool Blend Blue Flannel II.? I think you called it a "hybrid" suit, good in the office and anywhere, really.? It looked made for me.? In fact, it’s a lot like my last suit. Gosh I wish I still had that suit.

Tiffany: Ooooh. Yes. That suit has been very, very popular.? A lot of extremely good-looking, well-proportioned people want that suit. It’s a wonderfully unique size and style.?

Pearce: (Nods in agreement) Well, this looks like a great place to get a suit.? I’d like to try it on please. ?

Tiffany: (Hands motioning, “calm down”) Hold, hold on, love the enthusiasm.? It’s just, as you can see there’s only one of me here managing all these people who want a suit.

[Pearce looks around the store]

Pearce: (slightly confused) But it looks like I’m the only one here. ?

Tiffany: Sure now, but I assure you there are thousands of people who want our suits. Incredible people we’d be thrilled to see wearing our brand.?

Pearce: (Slightly annoyed but trying hard not to show it) Okay, but since I’m here in front of you now, just me, maybe you could take a look at the information I provided online. ?You'll see I also included a custom, personal note to cover why I really want the suit, why it’s a good fit, and where I see myself wearing it in the future. ?

Tiffany: Oh how sweet. You know only half of us read those.?

Pearce: Please? ?

Tiffany: (Slightly annoyed) Fine. Let’s see what you sent over.?(She starts typing on the computer) What was your name?

Pearce: (There’s hope in his body again) Pearce Cobarr. I just live a couple miles—

Tiffany: (rudely interrupting him) Ttst Ttst.? Too much. Too much. Just your name. Here you are…Pearce Cobarr…yes the two button…blue suit…hmmm. Oh. Oh my. Quick red flag here.?

Pearce: (concerned yet trying to remain casual) Something wrong?

Tiffany: Well, says here you haven’t worn a suit in over a year.? That’s quite a gap. Do you even remember how to fold a pocket square?!?

Pearce: (Relieved he's practiced how to manage this.) Yes, ah. You see I wore an incredible suit for 25 years. It was a classic. Never went out of style.?I wore the heck out of that suit. And now…yes, I’ve been looking for a new suit for a long time.?I'm excited to have a new suit.

Tiffany: What happened?? Why aren’t you in that suit now?

[Pearce looks around the store and leans in closer and stands up taller.]

Pearce: One day I put on my suit, next thing you know, I was called into a meeting and told that my suit was no longer needed.? They said they were getting rid of suits across the board. But really mostly the older ones.? That was that.?They made me take off my suit, lay it on the conference table. They gave me a robe til I could find a new suit but to be honest that robe got thread bare quickly.? Of course, it didn’t help I had to share half of it with my ex-wife.?

I’ve been looking for a new suit every day for the past 16 months. Then just last night I saw the ad for your suit and thought, "Oh my gosh, that suit is perfect for me." I mean it couldn’t be a better match so here I am.? Pretty cool right.?Me. Here. Perfect for that suit.?The suit perfect for me.? May I please try it on?

[Pearce looks up and turns 360 degrees.? Tiffiny is nowhere to be found.]

Pearce: Where’d she go?? Hello?? Hello?? Miss? ?(exasperated) Where are you and why does this keep happening?!?

[Pearce sees a comfy chair with a good view of the store.? He begins walking toward it]

Pearce: I’ll just go sit over here.?Man they have a lot of suits. Weird. I swear some of those suits I've seen advertised over and over again.?

(Gathering his resilience) Okay. Just breathe. I’ll be patient and while I wait, look for other suits online. Surely, she’ll be right back.?

[Four Weeks Later]

Tiffany: Oh my god…why are you still here? ??

Pearce: (slightly started) Oh hi!? Wow, you did come back! In a lot of other places with suits the people NEVER come back.?

Nobody online seems to have any suits they think would fit me. I’d like to try that suit from the ad now please.?

Tiffany: (Trying to be empathetic) Oh, gosh. ?I’m sorry that suit is no longer available.? (switches to fake cheer) Have a good day and if you see another one of our suits that interest you, please feel free to reach out. We’ll keep your measurements on file.?Bye now.

[Pearce is visibly incredulous and walks toward the counter]

Pearce: Wait, wait what do you mean “that suit is no longer available?!”? I never even got to look at it let alone try it on.?

Tiffany: Yes, well, I’m afraid you were just a bit overqualified for that suit.?

Pearce: (Bewildered) “Overqualified?!”? How is that even possible?? You can either wear a suit or not, right?!? Please tell me how I’m “overqualified.”?I keep trying to get a new suit and no-one tells me anything! They just disappear. Like ghosts! POOF. Please!!? No codes, no go-to phrases, just tell me how am I “overqualified” for this suit?

Tiffany: (Hesitates because she doesn’t want to get in trouble with HR, again.) Sir, your shoulders would have been too broad, and we have a very strict complimentary tailoring budget for this suit.

Pearce: (So confused) But wait, what if I was willing to pay for that myself?!?I really need a new suit.?

Tiffany: I’m truly sorry, Sir. Here at Mr. FAANG’s we're looking for customers who can grow into their suits with us.

Pearce: (Noticing and pointing) Hold on. Look! There’s the suit! That kid’s trying it on over his cub scout uniform! The sleeves are way too long and he’s gonna trip all over those pant legs!

Tiffany: Oh, don’t you worry about him. We offer all kinds of Suit-Life Balance Programs for those lucky enough to get one of our suits. ?

Pearce: But that suit is really nice. Shouldn't it go to someone experienced in wearing and caring for nice suits?? Look, I have suit references.

[Pearce starts pulling out letters.]

Pearce: This one is from a coworker who said "Great suit!" And my boss said, “If this guy has walked in your store looking for a suit, don't let him leave without one.” This one is from a friend I see at funerals—

Tiffany: (Interrupting.? She’s over it.) Yes, well…good luck in your suit search.? You’re free to go now.? ?

[Kyle comes up to the counter and stands beside Tiffiny.]

Kyle: Hey Tiffany, the big boss is giving me that suit I wanted!

Tiffany: (overly enthused) Kyle!? Congratulations! You’ve only been here six months and look at you. That suit is perfect for you! You really earned it.

Kyle: Thanks Tiff. He said he knew I was the guy he’d give that suit to all along.?

Pearce: Wait, the little kid was offered that suit. Are you guys just going over and taking it away from him?

Tiffany: Sir, have you and your old suit been under a rock the last 25 years?? That’s how it works. We’ll easily find the young fellow a different suit to grow into.

Pearce: (Voice almost breaking) Why can’t you find me a different suit?

Tiffany: Sir, please. We both know you’ve stopped growing.? In fact, if I had to guess I’d say more than likely now (whispering) you’re shrinking. ?

Pearce: Look, I plan to have my new suit for another 10 or 12 years. That’s lot of good wear out of a suit.? And I think it’s safe to say I can do more amazing things in a new suit today than this lad here.?

[The boy is now close to the counter ready for a different new suit since Kyle has taken his away.]

Pearce: (speaking to the boy) No offense.?

Boy: Bruh.? S’up.?

Pearce: (Speaking toTiffany) Look I know I shouldn’t seem desperate.…it’s just I have three teenagers who every now and then just want to go to a few nice places.? Dinner, the dentist…If I don’t have a suit, I can’t take them. ?

Tiffany: Sir, I’m sorry but Mr. FAANG is more than a just suits.? We’re a vibrant culture of innovators and Tik Tok video makers.? In one of our suits you just wouldn’t...fit.?

Pearce: (stung and knowing he’s defeated) Wow. Okay. Well, thanks for being honest.? Thanks for letting me know.? I’ve tried to get a lot of suits the last 16 months and haven't heard a thing.?So, thank you.? I’ll leave you be.? Good day. ?

[Pearce turns to leave]

Tiffany: (Feeling a bit of compassion and a hint of guilt, she sighs heavily) Sir, wait!?

[Tiffiny reaches under the counter and comes around to Pearce.? She’s holding something. It’s a large green scarf she wraps around Pearce’s neck.]

Pearce: (Voice muffled) What’s this?

Tiffany: It’s the LinkedGreen Scarf of Shame. It lets everyone know you’re still open to looking for a new suit. ?

Pearce: How much is it??

Tiffany: Nothing at all.? It’s on the house.?

Pearce: Will it really help me find a new suit?

Tiffany: Of course not. Just wear it til you do or until you lose all hope.

Pearce: I have to find a suit.?

Tiffany: (trying to be helpful) Well then maybe head to Uncle AARP’s. I hear they have some fabulous track suits and footwear perfect for mall walkers.?

Pearce: Mall walkers!?!? I’m not retired!? What’s happened?!? Finding a new suit never used to be this hard. ?

[Pearce’s chest is kind of heaving.? Frustration building.? He’s at his wits end]

Tiffany: I don’t know but sir, but if you’re going to have a mini breakdown, I suggest you do so in your car.? And I am sorry, we don’t validate. Wait, is it still safe for you to drive?

Pearce: I’m not old!? I’m just…a lot older than you.

Tiffany: Yes, you do remind me a little of my dad. He and mom retired down to Palm Springs.? No need for suits there.

Pearce: (meekly) Unless it’s bathing suits.??

Tiffany: (Sarcastically animated) Look out! Dad Joke!? (she sighs mockingly) Buh bye, sir.? Happy suit hunting. ??

[Pearce leaves the store as the door chimes. He doesn’t notice the sound.? The only thing he notices is his heartbeat and the feeling of a promise he’s made to himself; when he does find a suit, this GD LinkedGreen accessory is going up in flames.]

?

End Scene. Fade to Black.