Get rid of it - TOXIC positivity!

You’ve met them, I’ve met them, or you may be one of them: Positive People. They’re highly optimistic and full of happiness, positivity and cheer, easy to be around, and rarely if ever argue. What’s not to like? Not much, you say. But if you’re always the positive person, if it’s your 24/7 public persona, there are often psychological dangers lurking below that positivity surface, a downside that can take its toll.

Nowadays a lot of trendy things are being circulated via social media from this popular culture and the positivity movement which have infiltrated our thinking and practices as educators, individuals and other professionals. Yes, they are helpful, productive outlooks, and there is a great deal of truth to them. However, I think we’ve gotten a little bit out of balance with the positivity movement.

Let’s talk about how this positivity movement is actually stifling individual growth instead of helping it.

Do not get me wrong please I am not saying you shouldn’t be positive? Of course not. But there’s a difference between a values-driven positivity and an anxiety-driven one. A values-driven positivity comes out of your values, your core beliefs as an adult of how to be with yourself and others. You are positive but also realistic in understanding that we are all struggling on this tiny dot of a speck in the vast universe; you treat others the way you’d like to be treated. You do it not because you “should” be positive at all times or because you will feel guilty otherwise, but because it’s your life blueprint. And along with this blueprint, you can say “I am feeling low today!”, you take care of yourself as well as others, be assertive and honest without being aggressive and hurtful. Remember- Life is win-win as much as possible.

What I’ve increasingly observed since the past many years is that people are using positivity as an excuse to stay in a bubble. “Focus on the positive” has become a shield against any call for critical thinking, and an excuse to tolerate things. The Positivity-driven life has made being positive a way of managing anxiety. People have learned to take a positive-stance as a way of avoiding conflict and confrontation that they can’t tolerate, a stance that is “I’m positive,” meaning I do whatever I need to do to not get you disgruntled because your being upset makes me look negative and in turn anxious. Here you don’t say no, you don’t speak up and be honest and assertive, because of your own fear. It’s less about a value of how you deal with your emotions and more a psychological flack-suit to protect you from what seems to be a judgmental world.

RAMP IT DOWN

If you decide that you are, in fact, tired of exuberating positivity all the time, or tired of absorbing the emotional turmoil, it’s time to stop going on autopilot and begin to make choices and change some of your behaviours.

Below are some common expressions and experiences of toxic positivity to help you recognize how it shows up in everyday life.

1.     Hiding/Masking your true feelings

2.     Trying to “just get on with it” by stuffing/dismissing an emotion(s)

3.     Feeling guilty for feeling what you feel

4.     Minimizing other people’s experiences with “feel good” quotes or statements

5.     Trying to give someone perspective (e.g., “it could be worse”) instead of validating their emotional experience

6.     Shaming or chastising others for expressing frustration or anything other than positivity

7.     Brushing off things that are bothering you with an “It is what it is”

Do not forget being a healthy human being involves being conscious of ourselves and how we show up in the world. If you recognize yourself as a transmitter of toxic positivity, it’s time to cut it out. You’re hurting yourself and the people you care about most by insisting on this monochromatic mindset. Instead of practising toxic positivity, aim for balance and the acceptance of both good and bad emotions rather than all-or-nothing thinking.

If you’re being influenced by toxic positivity, I encourage you to set healthy boundaries with anyone who passes judgment on your authentic experience and speak your truth. We get one chance at this beautiful, also often testing, painful, imperfect life…embrace it entirely and you’ll reap the rewards of bountiful aliveness. Remember, Toxic positivity is as dangerous as poisonous negativity!