Get Over Yourself, Mehibe

Article 31 – Get Over Yourself, Mehibe.

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The Emotional Rollercoaster

I am learning a lot about myself right now in the backdrop of a tough end in 2024.

Age doesn’t equip you for heartbreak.

But it does help you to lean on your learnings for strength to keep going.

Going through an emotional rollercoaster with my partner as we decided to work on our relationship and do the work together has been an uncomfortable process. We're in a journey of relationship therapy and even though I walk out of each session thinking - wow, that was a breath of fresh air and just what I needed to hear.

The journey to connecting on a deeper level has been different.

Different like uncomfortable.

Jarring. Discombobulating. Confusing. Uneasy. Anger-inducing. Frustrating. Blah. Euuggh.

But then saying nothing, or the lack of meaningful words is not the opposite of these emotions either.

Silence is also truly discomforting.

One thing we learn as Coaches is how to ‘use’ silence to support our client. It might be a moment of pause to give their words and voice the respect it deserves – or by just holding space and letting those words sink in. Reflection. Marination.

I’ve connected this into my relationship with my partner, Scott. We have spent too many moments where the relationship is in the longer pauses of silence with each other; not speaking the words we want to speak, but somehow thinking (or believing) that it’s the right thing to do.

(Oh yes, fear, fear, fear...)

We Are The Story-Makers

But with silence and space comes raptures of words and narrative inside our own head.

It’s something we all do in human nature – fill up the day with stories.

What other people might be thinking or doing. Or even feeling. It’s astounding how much of our own thinking is just a bunch of stories we have strung together in our own mind.

Challenging the story or ‘testing’ it is uncomfortable.

My perspective is valid, right?

What I see and feel is true. It makes sense for me.

There’s something quite manageable and safe; - if I don’t have to expand on the narrative inside my head with another human.

And this is where my relationship broke down with myself, and, with Scott.

The inner voice doesn’t always need to be the critic, or the imposter. It could just be a way that we process stuff that’s showing up for us in our everyday lives. I talk to myself inside my head, and sometimes out loud at home. Or even perhaps on the way to pilates or to grab a coffee outside of my apartment.

It’s safe for me and all us humans to keep up the story – continuing down the rabbit hole of assumptions, filling in the gaps and the big picture. We just love to build up that story in our minds rather than challenge it or try to bring it life and test it with another human.

I am the centre of my world.

Writing that feels yuk.

Get over yourself, Mehibe.

Writing that feels harsh. But there’s something here that helps me develop compassion, perspective and empathy.

The Blue Dot of Stories That Protects Me

We are the blue dot of our lives because evolution wants us to protect ourselves. Story-building was meant for our survival, not for managing imposter syndrome or fears of judgement and rejection.

The psychology of humans is a ‘new’ thing if we look at the rest of our time on the planet.

However, the need for connection and love is what humans have rested on their utter survival.

I’d count myself as someone who is working on staying connected to my body, mind and soul. But there is always more work to do when it comes to me and my mind – and how that impacts others around me.

I’ve realised that I have contributed to some of the mess that came about in my relationship from a place of absolute lack of self-awareness. My communication came out as vomits of stuff based on my over-protective story-making. In my head what I thought was happening with Scott, was not what was truly happening for Scott. And I hurt him; and in turn, myself and our relationship.

We’ve all been there – trying to kid yourself as much as trying to mask with others.

So as a Coach and a human who has done years of therapy and coaching – what is it that has stopped me from challenging my brain’s stories and not reality?

Safety.

Or a lack of it.

If I don’t feel safe, then I lose my voice and will to action in the real world.

And then something weird happens where it just amplifies inwards inside my head like an inner trumpet. It’s loud, it’s brash and it’s painful if you get too close. I always have this image of someone trying to cover their face or ears.

Safety can mean different things to people. Ultimately everyone’s level of safety is different especially if you’ve experienced and suffered severe trauma.

Experiencing humanity letting us down and going against human nature’s gift of connection to build trust and safety is devastating.

I’ve been let down by the people that should matter the most to me in my life.

I know what trust could look like but I’m still connecting into what safety means for me – because I’m so afraid of being rejected, left behind or judged as ‘not good enough’.

Is it unkind that I have put myself in the centre of my world to try and live some sort of happy and thriving life?

Not at all.

I am thankful for my spirit and determination to keep moving forward. But in the will to keep moving forward, I need to slow down and connect into what is truly happening to me and around me. There are humans in my life who do want to get into the pit with me or stand by me, shoulder to shoulder.

And this is how I’m learning that story-building can help us to develop compassion, perspective and empathy. If we can connect to what is happening in our stories, and what is driving us to fill the bigger picture – we can start to connect into what fears or desires are helping us to paint it.

So now I’m even more curious about my stories.

And rather than keeping them to myself, I now share parts of these stories with Scott. Sometimes it’s still not safe enough to share it all – but that’s how being vulnerable with someone helps us to build trust and safety over time, and THEN we can open up more of ourselves to truly connect to others.

'Getting Over Myself'

So, do I need to get over myself?

I need to expand my blue dot and let others in. Letting others into the centre of my world can be scary, but with vulnerability I can start to challenge more of the unreal in my head and base living in the external world on truth and honesty.

So, one step at a time, I’m developing more self-compassion, more self-trust and more safety in my head.

It’s OK to be vulnerable and trust others with my stories - which are basically my views, thoughts and beliefs. It is OK. The cost of making myself the centre of my world? Connection and building trusted relationships.

I nearly lost the most important person in my life – Scott.

The cost of being vulnerable and trusting him with my stories is feeling temporary (blinding) discomfort.

But the benefits far outweigh the agonising pain of being emotionally exposed.

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Expand Your Blue Dot

How do we start to expand the blue dot to let others in that truly matter?

Vulnerability.

The Power of Courage to be vulnerable, to be real, to be uncomfortable – and to be You.

Vulnerability gives us the opportunity to open ourselves up and let people in. And that’s what builds trust and safety around within our world.

Meaningful connections with people that are worth embracing that truly uncomfortable feeling of – “what if … [they don’t understand me], [they think I’m stupid], [I make a fool of myself]. [I hurt them]…”

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Three Questions for The Blue Dot

So let’s put our hand on our heart and with honesty ask ourselves 3 important questions:

1. Am I a Story-maker?
2. Am I basing my actions and life on these stories because that’s what makes me feel safe?
3. Am I suffering by listening to my 'blue dot stories' and it's time to get perspective in reality?

Yes, yes and yes?

You’re ready to embrace The Power of Courage to be vulnerable.

You’re ready to step outside your comfort zone and feel truly uncomfortable in doing things differently.

You’re ready to be true to yourself and let people in.

Letting people in is the kindest and most compassionate way to expand your blue dot; noticing, how ‘real’ communication is mostly the awkward and uneasy conversations.

It’s different, but it’s worth every effort.

And every inch of blood, sweat and tears in the expanding blue dot zone of truly worthy discomfort.

BOOK YOUR FREE 30-MINUTE DISCOVERY CALL TO EMBRACE DISCOMFORT, BE VULNERABLE IN UNCERTAINTY AND BUILD MEANINGFUL CONNECTIONS IN YOUR WORLD.

https://calendly.com/mehibethe-c-coach/coaching-discovery-call-with-mehibe