Get Out of Your Own Way - Tame your inner critic and start living the life you want
Emma Simpson, CPCC, PCC
Co-Founder at Institute of Positive Leadership | Founder at Change at Play | Certified Executive & Leadership Coach | Facilitator | CPCC | PCC
“You’re not good enough.” “You’re not smart enough.” “Who are you to think you can do this?” These are just some of the thoughts that can take up residence in my mind, and I know I am not alone. All of us experience the perils of an inner critic – a critical inner voice that judges and berates us and with whom we’re contending with on a daily basis. You see, we each have two selves that we converse with in our minds 24/7. One of these is our true self – a kinder, more compassionate and supportive type. Our true self wants the best for us and wants us to achieve our highest goals. It’s our internal cheerleader.?
Our other self - our inner critic, takes a sterner and judgmental tone. It wants to keep us safe and likes when we stay in our comfort zone. A self-protective mechanism, our inner critic tries to safeguard us, and we become fearful – fearful of failure, success, criticism, rejection, embarrassment, shame… The list goes on.?
When our inner critic is at play, our fear is heightened and we tend to avoid the things our true self actually wants. Subsequently, it thwarts our attempts to move forward, limiting our potential and keeping us stuck. Stuck in unhappy relationships that no longer serve us. Stuck in roles and in jobs that are unfulfilling. It keeps us from putting ourselves out there. We avoid speaking up or asking for that raise or promotion. Fear holds us back. It stifles our confidence and our courage and so we choose to stay the course on our safe and comfortable route while longing that things were different.?
In the classic book 'Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway,' Susan Jeffers suggests that “at the bottom of every one of your fears is simply the fear that you cannot handle whatever life may bring you. If you knew you could handle anything that came your way, what would you possibly have to fear?” She then goes on to say that “by re-educating the mind, you can accept fear as simply a fact of life rather than a barrier to success.” While I wholeheartedly agree with this, in reality, it’s much harder to do. Pushing through fear takes courage – the courage to put yourself out there in all your glory knowing that you may indeed fail. You may be criticized or rejected. It’s hard to do that – to surrender to vulnerability.
In the Netflix show ‘the Call to Courage’, Brené Brown recites the famous quote from Theodore Roosevelt, which had provided a defining moment for her:
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.”
Brené urges the audience to join her in the arena. To decide every day to choose courage over comfort. She assures us that when we step into the arena, we’ll get our butts kicked but what’s the alternative? We get to the end of our lives asking "what if?"
Essentially, we each have a choice. We can choose to stay stuck and remain in our comfort zone, or we can feel the fear and step into our power. We can choose courage over comfort and go after what we want and start living a life of no regrets. Our inner critic is always going to be there, but with practice and perseverance, we can learn how to turn our critic into an ally and push through our fears.?
Tune Into Your Thoughts
Research suggests that of the many thousand thoughts we have on a daily basis, 80% of them are negative and most of them are playing unnoticed in our subconscious mind so we’re not usually aware of them quietly dragging us down.
By getting present, you can begin to notice the thoughts that are playing in your mind. You can start to become aware of the narrative you’re subconsciously telling yourself. One way to identify whether your inner critic is at play is when you’re experiencing stress or a negative emotion. Our inner critic is also usually in the driving seat when there is a “I should have, I could have, why didn’t I do that?” narrative. Be a witness to these moments and you’ll be surprised at how many of your thoughts are operating as a disservice to your future self.?
Change Your Narrative
Our inner critic develops from our earliest childhood experiences where we absorb the negative judgments and criticism of others, many of which aren’t true or are no longer relevant. Identifying the negative thought patterns allows us to find the evidence and rebuttals that can enable us to reframe the story we’ve been telling ourselves. Known as Cognitive Reframing, we can start to change our subconscious beliefs and rewrite a new and compelling story for ourselves.
When you become a witness to your thoughts you can begin to identify whether they are serving or sabotaging you. You can ask yourself, is this thought serving me or sabotaging me? Is this thought helpful? Is this thought even true? Our inner critic is a master at fabricating the truth. Byron Katie in The Work outlines a practice of inquiry with 4 questions that can help shine a light on our thoughts and help us filter out our sabotaging and unhelpful thoughts. The 4 questions are:?
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When we do The Work we start to change our beliefs and rewrite our narratives. Over time our inner critic starts to lose its control over us.?
“By mastering our thoughts, we can change our life.” – James Allen.
Cultivate a Growth Mindset
Back in 2012, I had the opportunity to move from the UK to California. I immediately turned it down. My thoughts were fixed on fear. “I couldn’t move to California; that’s not me.” “I couldn’t afford it,” “I don’t know anyone.” Fear and doubt immediately crept in, and I believed that I wasn’t courageous enough to do it. So I didn’t. Two years later, the opportunity presented itself again. This time my mindset was different. I couldn’t move to California became, “why not?” I couldn’t afford it, became “I’ll find a way to make it work.” I considered ways I would overcome my fears if they did transpire. By adopting a different mindset and challenging my beliefs, I realized I could handle whatever came my way.?
Challenging our beliefs and cultivating a growth mindset can help us to move forward and push through our fears. In her groundbreaking book ‘Mindset – The New Psychology of Success’ Dr. Carol S. Dweck presents research on the characteristics of a fixed versus growth mindset and how these mindsets can play out in our lives. Those with a fixed mindset can perceive failure as a disaster and consequently they avoid trying or they give up at the earliest hurdles. Not only does this limit their opportunities and keep them stuck, it can also be more harmful to their self-esteem, further adding to feelings of unworthiness. Dr. Leon F. Seltzer, a psychologist in Del Mar, CA, believes that while avoidance is a common defense mechanism, it can be costly. He says “in the moment, avoiding what makes you anxious can safeguard you from disturbing feelings. But it also damages your self-image, leading you to see yourself as less competent, worthwhile, and resourceful. Each time you sell yourself short, your self-esteem takes a hit. And once this avoidance is firmly entrenched, your doubts about yourself and your perceived deficiencies become more severe and difficult to dislodge”.
In contrast, those who cultivate a growth mindset strive for continuous growth and development, and in doing so, they strengthen and reinforce their coping mechanism, viewing failure as merely part of the learning process. Subsequently, they’re more likely to feel the fear and do it anyway, staying on course when obstacles get in their way.
While no easy feat, a growth mindset can be developed through challenging limiting beliefs and making a choice to adopt continuous learning and development as a lifetime endeavor.
Comfort or Courage
In summary, your inner critic is always going to be a part of you but by adopting a growth mindset and challenging your beliefs, you can turn your inner critic into an ally and start to push through your fears. You get to decide every day whether to choose comfort or courage. Don’t let fear hold you back from living your best life. Take control and step into the arena.
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Emma Simpson is the Founder and CEO at VUCA Leadership Institute, an organization supporting leaders to navigate uncertainty, break through barriers and to courageously lead and thrive in the organization and beyond. Find out more about our coaching programs and group events at www.vucali.com.
Follow us at https://linkedin.com/company/vucali
Creative Strategist | Coach
3 年Emma, thanks for sharing!