Get more of what you want this year

Many of you are probably familiar with the concept of a gratitude journal- a daily practice of documenting or thinking about what you are grateful for. I started a gratitude journal when I was in a tough spot in life, I was working in a foreign country and living with people I did not know well, my relationship with my boyfriend was deteriorating and someone was 'trolling' me on social media. I felt tired, alone, and sad. I couldn't change a lot of the immediate situation so I thought, what can I do? This is when the gratitude journal entered my life and I noticed in a short period of time, after several days of consistent practice, that my mood was shifting and instead of seeing all the stuff that was going wrong, I was noticing what was good- I had made a new friend with the girls I was sharing a house with, I was living in an exciting and exotic city, I was doing work I could be proud of with a not-for-profit, etc. Once you start looking for the good, it starts making itself known to you.

Now think about this in the context of our relationships- at work and at home. Are you more often noticing what people are doing that you wish they would stop? Or are you noticing what you enjoy and appreciate about these people, about their work or how they show up? If it's the latter, good for you! You can probably stop reading because you are already implementing the practice I am sharing here- getting more of what you want from people by seeing and acknowledging what's good. Imagine how different your relationships would be if you took the time to let people know what they are doing that you A) enjoy and appreciate and B) want to see more of.

There are a couple sources of guidance that I find helpful when putting this into practice. The first is Radical Candor - from Kim Scott, and the second is Clear Leadership- the work of Gervase Bushe.

Radical Candor talks about Praise, which is a positive form of guidance or feedback. And I am not referring to the classic "Good Job!" we like to say to people (me included), praise is clear and specific positive feedback that lets people know exactly what they are doing that is good and you want to see more of. An example is when a colleague asked me recently, "How was my presentation?" and I first responded "Good, I really enjoyed it." I then caught myself and added "you had a really strong key message and I liked how you revisited it in the end, you spoke with good volume so everyone could hear, and you used open ended questions when you engaged with the audience." That is praise. The guidance from Radical Candor is to be sincere (the 'ego stroke' is something, but it is not true praise) and give praise immediately to have the most impact.

Clear Leadership introduces the concept of tracking and fanning as part of being an Appreciative leader. Tracking is noticing the behaviours you want to see more of, believing that they are there. Fanning is describing what you are noticing without judgement. If you can practice this with your co-workers, and even friends and family, people will be more interested in partnering with you. As an example, I appreciate punctuality, at work and in my personal life and I sometimes I track this behaviour and acknowledge it with individuals who are, lets say, inconsistently punctual. I might say "thank you for being here on time, I really appreciate it" or "I am glad you are so punctual! We have a lot to discuss in the next 30 min." When we acknowledge what we appreciate from others, we are not only helping them feel appreciated, we are making our wants clear so now they know what really matters to us and can do it more often.

We know the human brain has a negativity bias, we notice and remember negative experiences more quickly and more readily. We can however build our skills in seeing what is good and what we want more of. With some dedicated practice, the world you start paying attention to all of a sudden becomes transformed.

There is always something we can focus on that annoys us or is not what we expected, in 2020 lets find what is already there that we want more of! I promise it will make your life and your relationships a whole lot brighter.