Get Better at Being Human Part 2: Understanding Others

Across relationships, within families, amongst groups of friends and teams at work, failure to understand another person causes great tension. As humans this can be our unique gift. Unlike other species, we have the cognitive, emotional, and linguistic skills to understand others – interpret the unsaid, read scenarios, ask questions to appreciate feelings and perspectives and build genuine understanding and appreciation for others. However, for so many it can prove difficult, and just because you once were great at this, doesn’t mean you always will be. Here’s why (and how) we must (and can) invest in sharpening our skills at better understanding others.

Record numbers of people report feeling lonely. We’re more connected through technology than ever and yet we often feel remote and distant from fellow human beings. The hangover from covid continues, and the prioritising or coping with life demands, economic pressures, as well as our search for something more meaningful, is taking its toll. Social connection has played second fiddle. Many businesses have closed offices and restricted in office working; whilst others continue to tempt employees to return more regularly, but face challenges from a desire for flexibility and the rising cost of travelling to a workplace. ?Add on top – our obsession with meetings. Meetings can now be huge – involving literally all and sundry. We have meetings about meetings. Meetings to cover the things we didn’t get to in the earlier meeting. Meetings to discuss why we have so many meetings. But rarely does a meeting serve to enable human connection or a change in perspective.

We need to purposefully prioritise time to connect with others or it doesn’t happen. There are always things seemingly more important, but are they really?

The price of not connecting with others is huge. People who have a best friend at work are more likely to feel engaged and stay in an organization for longer. The buzz we get through feeling that someone else is interested in us, that they understand us, and the rush from feeling a sense of belonging is scientifically proven (oxytocin is the key!)?

When people reflect on their lives it’s rarely what they’ve done but who they’ve spent time with. The relationships they’ve developed, the people they have helped, the time spent laughing and learning with others. And the regrets – the moments of lost friendships, precious time missed with loved ones, feeling unable to overcome disputes and negative emotions eating you up for years.

Yet, today, this is our status quo:

1. One of the biggest drivers of attrition is having a manager who doesn’t care about them .?
2. Recent graduates don’t know how to make small talk .
3. People don’t have friends at work.

We’re on a rocky path. What we want is becoming clearer, and technology could enable something brighter, but we mustn’t forget what we could later regret. Being human is about understanding and appreciating others. This is our super-power and reason for existence.

Choose to make a difference

The first place to start is acknowledging that YOU can make a difference.

1. Put yourself in scenarios where you will spend time with other people. No one is going to create a schedule for you to build your own social connections. That’s down to you. But it doesn’t have to be onerous. Develop a rhythm of going into co-located workspaces but don’t spend all that time plugged in, on virtual calls. Use it for collaborating – in person discussions, workshops, creative thinking. And simply for social connection. Remember the days of a team pub lunch every Friday? Why don’t you bring that ritual back? We need to remind ourselves that these elements of work are important and valuable too. The conversation over lunch with a colleague turns into a better appreciation of them as a person. I didn’t realise you used to work at X; I had no idea you are into creative writing (that’s something I enjoy too); I can see you’re great at story-telling – perhaps you could help me next time I need to prepare for a presentation? It also helps others understand how to engage in different environments and appreciate that this is important, alongside work itself.
2. Listen and ask questions. We’re all guilty of it. Nodding along, but we’re actually waiting for a pause to share the response we had prepared several minutes ago. We stopped taking in what the other person said at that point! The biggest cause of conflict is a lack of understanding and frequently that’s because we simply haven’t listened. Set yourself a challenge – see how long you can keep another person talking by asking them questions. And not just about what they did, or the technique or tools they used, ask questions about their emotions – how did they feel? What did they find challenging? What did they learn? Why is that important to them??Social connection is most often built when we're curious, we engage with emotions, week to understand what motivates, and we make others feel valued.
3. Use empathy to diffuse conflict. You’re in a discussion and someone says something you vehemently disagree with. The blood starts pumping, you feel the prickly heat rising up the back of your neck – an emotional outburst is about to erupt! Sometimes this is needed. But at other times, it can create tension, misunderstanding or even conflict you then carry around for many days after. Instead of reacting, can you ask questions to understand the different perspective? e.g. That’s a different way to view things, can you help me understand a little more? What are the outcomes you’re trying to impact with that approach? Your perspectives might remain misaligned, but you will have greater insight into what’s important to the other person, and demonstrating you appreciate their perspective (even if you don’t agree) can help leave a relationship in a positive place. Leaning in to understand more could help you appreciate a different perspective and potentially create something more powerful together.
4. Show gratitude and appreciation. It sounds simple, but saying thank you speaks volumes. Thank people for sharing their views, acknowledge when someone has shared something challenging or difficult, show appreciation when others try something new or take on board feedback. When someone does something fantastic – tell others – use it in small talk to introduce people to each other, or in team meetings, sharing standout achievements or lessons learned. Be humble - let others take the limelight, share what you've learned and be generous with your time in return. Feeling valued, appreciated and part of something brings out the best in people.
5. Simply say hello. To the person who grabs a coffee at the same time as you, the colleague you always see but have no clue who they are, the postie delivering the mail. A recent study revealed just one conversation a day can improve happiness and well being . You never know how much a smile and hello, how are you? could mean to someone on any given day. And, likely you’ll get a positive reaction in return – helping you feel good too.

Like any skill – using excel, playing an instrument, cooking – without regular practice and re-learning, our ability to truly understand other people can fade. I genuinely believe this should be at the heart of every learning agenda – across education, work, and personal lives – an injection of skills to understand and appreciate others can significantly change a relationship and enhance our experiences of work and life.

As humans, it is our innate gift – let’s use it.

Stay tuned for the 3rd and final part in this summer series on getting better at being human focused on understanding us.