German friends versus American acquaintances

One of the most typical mistakes Germans in America make is to misread American friendliness as friendship. When I spent time in America as a high school student and then during shorter business trips at McKinsey & Company, I greatly enjoyed American friendliness. When we came to live in the US permanently, in the early days we frequently fell into the trap of confusing American friendliness with friendship. The result was disappointment when after a very friendly conversation that felt personal to us, we hardly heard from our new American “friends” again. Similarly, we were sometimes taken aback when casual “you should come over for dinner” invitations never materialized. Misreading the relationship status also put us at risk of one-sided oversharing of personal opinions (e.g., about politics) that must have made our American “friends” uncomfortable at times. Reversely, I heard Americans who visited Germany be surprised by how cold, abrasive, and even unfriendly Germans can appear in settings where personal connections have not yet been formed.

Fons Trompenaars and Charles Hampden-Turner have introduced the concept of PEACH and COCONUT cultures which perfectly illustrates the reason behind this important difference between American and German culture.

PEACH cultures like the USA, Canada and Brazil have a “soft” outer layer but a hard inner core. People from those cultures tend to be friendly with people they just met. They smile often, use your first name, and may ask personal questions quickly - such as if you are married, have children or where you are from - even if you only just met. Peaches are also usually very nice and helpful with strangers. But when you get to the core under this soft outer shell, you will find that people from peach cultures very carefully protect that “core” of their real self and will not let you see it easily.

COCONUT cultures like Germany, France, China and Russia are more closed or neutral to new acquaintances and they can stay neutral for a significant time. They rarely smile at strangers on the street because as smile is considered a signal that you want to make a connection with the other person. They don’t ask personal questions to casual acquaintances, nor are they keen to share personal information about themselves. It takes a while to get through that harder outer shell but when you do, communication gets open and often deep without the exclusion of even personal topics (such as politics), and often results in long-lasting friendships that almost feel like family. This difference is also reflected in the German language. After you have met a German but are still on the outside of the hard coconut shell, you are considered a “Bekannter” (acquaintance) with whom Germans behave neutrally polite but not overly friendly and with whom they would not share personal information or opinions (new business connections usually fall into this category). When you break through the outer shell, you become a “Freund” (friend) with whom “the guard comes down” and relationships become open, warm, and deep. In contrary to the German use of the word “Freund”, Americans use the word “friend” much more freely and widely and it can often mean both “Bekannter” and “Freund”. For example, when my children were in US elementary school, they were taught by their teachers to call all their classmates friends - which sounded rather odd to us.

So what happens when a culturally inexperienced German encounters the extreme friendliness of Americans including their seemingly personal questions about their background and culture? Understanding the concept of coconut and peach cultures, it is not surprising that Germans can easily mis-categorize American “acquaintances” as “Freunde” which can be a rather significant and emotionally draining misunderstanding. Because when German coconuts meet American peaches, they can be enamored by the peach’s openness and reciprocate with opening their hard shells. This can be hurtful for a coconut when it quickly gets to the peach’s hard core, feeling cut out by the sudden hurdle to deeper relationship building. As a result, disappointed Germans can come to the false conclusion that Americans are shallow and superficial.

Reversely, when a peach meets a coconut, they initially can find their coconut acquaintance unfriendly and rude. When the peach smiles and is openly friendly with strangers, they can perceive the cold, neutral response of coconuts as arrogance or even hostility. Then when, for example at extended dinners, peaches (often unconsciously) break through the hard outer shell of their coconut acquaintances and – accidentally - open up the soft inside, they can feel uncomfortable and awkward about what they perceive as culturally inappropriate over-sharing of feelings and perceptions by their new coconut “friend”.

Interestingly, when I asked my bi-cultural children which culture they thought might be described as a PEACH and which as a COCONUT, they immediately categorized their American home as the peach and their German home as the coconut. And when I asked them what they would recommend to someone encountering the opposite culture, they wisely responded: be careful with first impressions. I would add to that: be aware of the differences and don’t judge. And – for coconuts like me living in peach cultures – be patient. With time, you will break through the hard inner core with people who really matter to you and at that point you can find the lifelong friends you have been looking for. And when you go home to Germany and thoughtlessly smile at strangers in random places, be prepared to feel like an American when people blankly stare back at you or give you a confused look, wondering if they know you from somewhere or if something might be wrong with you.?

Sources: Riding the Waves of Culture by Fons Trompenaars and Charles Hampden-Turner. The Culture Map by Erin Meyer.