George Stephanopoulos Interviews Joe Biden

For those of you who missed George Stephanopoulos’ interview with Joe Biden, here is an unedited transcript of the interview which took place on July 5, 2024.

George: Mr. President, welcome.? This has been a tough two weeks for you.

Biden: What time is it?

George: Let’s get to it.? We have lots to cover.? Most observers including yourself, agree that your debate performance was lacking.? Do you have an explanation?

Biden: As my press secretary Pierre noted…

George: You mean Karine Jean-Pierre?

Biden: Yes. Why he thinks she’s French, I don’t know.? Something to do with Haiti.

George: Getting back on topic, do you have an explanation?

Biden: Well, first I had a cold, then I didn’t have a cold. Confused the hell out of me. Then I was suffering from jet lag, and….

George: Excuse me, but you last travelled to Europe ten days before the debate?

Biden: Look. Keep in mind that I also travelled millions of light years on an Amtrak train to Wilmington every single day for years.? Angelo, my conductor, can verify that.? .

George: He’s dead sir.

Biden: Would you believe Fourth of July fireworks?

George: No.

Biden: Well, at least you understand.? How about Camp David?

George: What do you mean?

Biden: Well, few people know this, but at Camp David, Jill made me chop wood for days without rest. It’s the only way to keep up with Trump, without golfing. I actually chopped enough wood for a small tree house.? I was exhausted.? Then my doctors tested me.

George: For what?? Cognitive impairment?

Biden: For viral infection.? It was negative, but they concluded I had overdosed on spray tan.

George: Mr. President, certainly you know that everyone who doesn’t exclusively watch MSNBC sees you tripping on stairs, falling down at graduation ceremonies, falling off bikes, freezing with blank stares, shaking hands with imaginary people.? The press can’t hide it anymore. How do you explain this?

Biden: They need to try harder. That being said, my lifetime ambition was to be Chevy Chase. Don’t worry, I now have orthopedic sneakers.

George: Did you schedule a doctor’s visit after you had the cold?? Or received any medicine?

Biden: Yes and no. Does either raise my poll numbers?? Where’s the teleprompter?

George: Let me try a different approach.? Are you capable of maintaining your role as commander in chief and running for re-election?

Biden: Watch me.? Jill says I can in English and Spanish…Si, se puede, particularly in front of bogadas.? And she says I answered all the questions at the debate, just after she helped me down the stairs to get some ice cream.? Plus, don’t forget the doctors have cleared me to work between the hours of 10-4, not recognizing that most terror attacks occur between those times. However, I need less stress and more naps.? It’s good advice for everyone.? Gen Z’s got it right, and I want their vote. That’s why I decided to telecommute from Rehoboth Beach.?

George: Are there any other excuses, I mean reasons why you’d like to continue as president??

Biden: Of course. Hunter is a convicted felon, and I need to pardon him, before he turns state’s evidence. In return, Hunter’s promised to let me look at his laptop.? The FBI tells me now it’s not Russian disinformation and there are some hot babes on the hard drive, including my daughter in law.? You should smell her hair. Jill’s not doing it for me lately.? Maybe he’ll share a couple of lines with me in the White House too.

George: That’s a bit too much information. I’m not a lawyer, but I’d consult with one if I were you. What about your Vice President??

Biden: Who?

George: Kamala. You know, your border czar, your AI czar, your chip manufacturing czar.? The woman who likes child space travel, Venn diagrams and yellow school buses

Biden: Who?

George: Let me help you.? You said today that “I'm proud to be, as I said, the first vice president, first Black woman, to serve with a Black president.”? Are you a black woman?

Biden: In some dreams.? Not all of them.? Sometimes I think I’m Jennifer Lopez. She’s really hot.? Great booty. ?

George: Good choice, and it shows excellent pandering to the Puerto Rican community.? Back to Kamala.

Biden: Who?? Wait, wait. You mean Laffin Kamala?? Trump gave her that nickname.

George: Yes.? Yes.? Congratulations, ?Glad to see your memory has returned.

Biden: Great nickname.? It sticks.? Wish I thought of it first. The guy’s a genius.

George: Can you tell us some more about your own biography that might make it clear why you should be president?

Biden: George, you know that’s not an approved question.? You should know better.? But I’ll give it a go, just to prove I’ve still got it. I was at the top of my class in law school.? Hardly any plagiary.? I also aced quantum physics. I’m really into string theory and Schrodinger’s cat these days.

George: Impressive. Anything else?

Biden: Yeah, I visited Nelson Mandela in prison. Corn pop was a bad dude. You know they drive on the other side of the street there.?

George: You mean South Africa?

Biden: Could be. I’d like to try that here, just for the hell of it.? Did you know, I was raised by gay migrant tortilla vendors in a black church, and attended synagogue regularly? The only reason I got into this race was because of Charlottsville.? Now I’m into this race for Michigan electoral votes. We used to fast on Ramadan, but just at night. Don’t forget the 10% vig on Hunter’s deals with China, Russia and Ukraine. No wonder he’s the smartest guy I know. Money laundering takes skill. If you think I’m lying, just asks Mayorkas. He tells it like it is, even when it's not.? And unlike Austin, tells me when he’s not coming into the office for weeks.? I should have made Buttigieg Defense Secretary; ever see him in bicycle shorts?? Remember this though. The border is secure.? If anyone tells you different, that’s malarkey. I’d refer you to my uncle but he was eaten by cannibals in New Guinea.? Maybe it was New Jersey.? I always get them confused. One way to tell the difference is that New Jersey has EZ Pass.

George: Mr. President, we’re coming to an end, mercifully.? Are there any other things you want the American people to know?

Biden: My dad once told me, Joey when they knock you down, just get up.? We’re America dammit. Don’t forget that Obama lost his first debate

George: But he wasn’t born during the Jurassic

Biden: Oh, I love that movie.

George: Will you release recordings of the Hur report?? It claimed you were an old man with a poor memory

Biden: I have no objection. Or maybe I do.? But I’ll tell you this. ?Who knew Charleston Heston was Korean?? I was surprised they drove chariots.

George: Apparently you like movies.? ??????????????????????????????????

Biden: Seen them all.? Me and my BFFs Strom Thurmond and Bobbie Byrd used to get together after work to watch Birth of a Nation on MLK Day in the Congressional movie theater. Those were the days.? Licorice was a dime.

George: ?I’d keep that a secret Mr. President. You claim that Trump is the greatest threat to democracy.? Yet, you allowed 10 million illegal immigrants to enter the country on your watch and despite Supreme Court rulings to the contrary, waived hundreds of billions in student loan repayments.? Some say you’re bankrupting the country, turning us into a banana republic.

Biden: Great khakis.? And so versatile.? You can never have enough pockets.

George: Worse, you’ve hidden your condition from the American people. What say you?

Biden: Don’t forget I inherited a 9% inflation rate.

George: That’s not true. We have 27 fact checkers on call.

Biden: OK, strike that from the transcript.? They told me you can do that.

George: Can you answer the question?

Biden: I’m just going to ignore your questions, sonny, for reasons of national security. Excuse me, I hear a helicopter in the background.

George: But we’re in a soundproof studio

Biden: Sorry, I have to run.? And by run, I mean walk very slowly.? I have a meeting with Xi.? I can’t remember his last name, but he makes one hell of a spring roll.? Best in Scranton.?

George: But we’re in Wilmington.

Biden: But in Scranton, Xi gives out balloons with every takeout order. Saw one the other day as it flew over Montana. I waived. He’s opening another restaurant in Havana soon. You can’t go wrong with rice and beans. Not a joke. Now, get off my lawn.

George: Good night Mr. President.? Have a safe trip home and spend some time with your grandkids.

Biden: Good idea, but first I have to beat Medicare.