Gentlemen: See the beautiful boy amidst the messiness

Most of us have those special rooms in our homes, which may only be used on special occasions because they contain beloved artifacts such as: grandma’s heirloom chair, the antique china cabinet with costly porcelains, or other priceless treasures. This area in the house was purposely isolated from the other parts to preserve its beauty and to protect the items therein.

In juxtaposition, there are the messiest ones. These become the landing where all the junk gets stored, and which serves as a collective dumping ground for the unwanted/undesirable things. It also transformed itself into the ‘quick go there, clean up quickly spot,’ when unexpected guests would arrive. 

Depending on where you looked, there was the beautiful: the place you enjoyed showing to all your guests, and the undesired: the space with the door locked, that you would be ashamed for anyone to see that untidy aspect of your life. 

This may seem like a stretch, but the relationship with your son could be seen in the same light. He has two sides, depending on your focus.

Question: Do you spend most of your time consumed by his bad behaviors, or searching for the positives, ready to acknowledge these traits; the beauty if you will; the innocent boy deep inside of him?

If you are weighing more heavily on the former, please take a step back.    

What if right now, you could see him differently; beneath all the pain/trauma/acting out, there is this terrific young man ready to shine again under the right circumstances?

The job may appear rather impossible at present. However, realize it is your and others responsibility as the adults to pull up the real identify of this fellow, instead of focusing on the negativity which, all too often, gets emphasized.

Ready to learn how? Drum roll please. 

Begin with praise and correct with love, not shame/ridicule; which means applauding even the slightest improvement with sincerity of course, and using I statements to express both positive/negative feelings.

Here is an example script of both:

Corrective Action with Goal of Redirecting Child

I feel (x emotion: sad)

when you (x action: do not listen to me)

because (x reason/consequence: I know if you cannot/aren’t willing to listen to me, you may have difficult with others, which could get you into trouble now/future).

I want you to (x re-state original goal: listen to me/others).

Goal of Praising Child

I feel (x emotion/with adjective: super happy)

when you (x action: listen)

because (x reason/consequence: when you listen; it shows you are learning how to respect you/me).

Celebrate with (a verbal praise/behavior: great job with listening, super, attaboy, accompanied by a physical high five/fist bump or another symbol, significant to your son).   

End with the (x benefit: Being a better listener will help you have healthy relationships with self/others, which will help you have a great life).   

Once you begin searching for the beauty that is him by praising the good, and reframing the negative with his interest in mind, you will discover that the entire house of your relationship is again, beautiful. 

Thank you for reading.

Your thoughts are very appreciated.

Researcher’s Bio

Karen Bontrager helps 16-24-year-old men make permanent shifts in their behavior from merely surviving in life to thriving through transparent coaching/counseling and trauma training, in one-on-one conversations and in group work, and through topic sensitive workshops. With this ontological approach, I partner with my clients to discover their essence, (aka highest and best self) by powerfully reflecting and listening to them. My clients quickly learn how to generate self-awareness and to voice their own relationship needs in a clear, constructive way by learning key coaching techniques/evidenced based counseling approaches/tools to work past their traumatic events and addictions to move forward. The clients are then equipped to develop healthy relationships with key relationships: parents/siblings/friends, and with intimate dating partners because they have learned how to proactively use their voice.