The Gentle Death of Chivalry: A Millennial Eulogy

Once upon a time, in a world not so far away, there lived a set of unwritten rules that shaped the social contract between men and women. These rules were, of course, simple: open the door, pull the chair, walk her home at night, and, if you were feeling? particularly bold, offer her your jacket during a breezy evening stroll. Chivalry, the polite, courteous behavior typically expected of men, was a social currency, a quiet and unspoken tradition of the “gentleman.”

?But today?

?Well, let’s just say if chivalry were a patient in the hospital, the heart monitor would be flatlining.

It’s the small things that define it.?

The opening of a door. The pulling of a chair. The gesturing for her to go first. The reminding her—yet again—that she’s beautiful, as though you hadn’t already said it eight times since breakfast.?

These acts, once commonplace, have become rare relics of a bygone era. And no, it’s not that we’ve run out of chairs to pull or doors to open. For some reason, the essence of chivalry has evaporated, and what remains is a rapidly evolving culture of crude, transactional interactions.

The modern equivalent of courtship often sounds less like Shakespeare and more like a 1990s gangster rap album. Take, for example, the Kenyan urban lingo shembeteng phenomenon—a particularly jarring combination of Swahili and English, laced with street slang that is anything but charming- the language of our youth, the Gen Zs.

It’s not uncommon to overhear these young men speak about women in a manner that would make a pirate blush in this lingo. Bodies are objectified, and the language is so far removed from respect that you almost wonder if these young men have evolved from a different species entirely.?

Chivalry Isn't Dead; It's Just Misdiagnosed

Now, one might ask, why the shift??

The assumption used to be that chivalry was biologically hardwired—a sort of evolutionary feature where men, as protectors and providers, naturally adopted these manners. But no. If that were true, we wouldn’t be standing on the ruins of “gentlemanly conduct.” Chivalry is a social construct, not a biological one. And like all constructs, it’s susceptible to change based on culture, media, and the latest TikTok trend.

Which brings us to one of the biggest culprits: the music.?

Consider Tupac’s ’ hit,? Hit ‘Em Up, where lines like, “You claim to be a player, but I f*cked your wife,” were shocking in 1996 when the song was released? but now feel almost quaint compared to what dominates today’s airwaves. In Kenya, for instance, in 2024, (almost 30 years later) we have lyrics like “Nigee nichape chape, nisetie ni shande shande,” a direct translation of which is essentially, “Get into position, let me have sex with you”—but trust me, it’s even less romantic in Swahili/ shembeteng.?

When music celebrates a lack of respect for women, when the words we use reduce them to objects, we are nurturing a culture of toxic masculinity. This isn’t just a local issue—it’s a global trend. A culture where the idea of respect, politeness, and gentle conduct toward women is seen as archaic, even laughable.

But what’s the problem with all this, you might ask??

Well, as we crudify the language of romance, we’re likely to see the rise of something far darker: increased sexual violence, diminished respect, and, perhaps most dangerously, a rollback of the incredible strides we’ve made toward gender equality. We fought so hard to bring women into the boardrooms, into politics, into all facets of life as equals, but we’re now risking undoing all that progress by eroding the very foundation of respect upon which those gains were built.

Chivalry as Harmony, Not Hierarchy

To understand this better, let’s dive into a bit of gender theory.?

Judith Butler, a leading feminist theorist, once argued that gender roles are performative—that is, they are actions and behaviors we continuously reenact based on social expectations. Chivalry, in this sense, isn’t about men being superior or women being weak. Rather, it’s about a performance of respect—a symbiotic relationship where both genders bring their strengths to the table. It’s less about hierarchy and more about harmony.

When done right, chivalry allows gender roles to complement each other, like a beautifully choreographed dance. It isn’t about the man saving the woman, nor is it about women submitting to men. It’s about a delicate balance where both sides contribute their unique strengths, creating a more cohesive society. Imagine if the act of pulling out a chair wasn’t just about courtesy, but about creating a space where equity can flourish.

The Millennials’ Moment to Resurrect Chivalry

Now, don’t get me wrong.

?I’m not advocating for a return to the 1950s, where men wore fedoras and women waited patiently at home, making meatloaf. We live in a different world now, one where gender equality is rightly championed. But somewhere along the way, we’ve conflated chivalry with oppression, politeness with patriarchy, and in doing so, we’ve lost something beautiful.

It’s not that chivalry is dead—it’s that we’ve forgotten how to perform it. And as millennials, we have a chance to resuscitate it , by guiding our younger brothers, the Gen Zs.

Reminding them that? a simple “please” or “thank you,” holding a door, or even—heaven forbid—offering someone a compliment that doesn’t sound like a crude rap lyric, could go a long way in reminding us of the better parts of our nature.

Because if chivalry does die, it won’t be because it was outdated—it will be because we forgot to give it a reason to live.

Sissey, the CEO 360 Group,? is a Communications Strategy consultant . Feedback : [email protected]?