GENDER DIFFERENCES: FROM BOARDROOMS TO BEDROOMS

By Rebecca Rosenblat

Psychotherapist, Relationship & Sexuality Therapist, TV & Radio Host 

Two-thirds of our relational problems cannot be resolved, many of which tie into gender differences in one way or another, since it’s like speaking two different languages – and increasing the volume doesn’t help any more than speaking loudly to a foreigner does.  From boardrooms to bedrooms, understanding and successfully negotiating those gender differences can facilitate just about any liaison.  Herewith, top ten gender differences that influence relationships by and large – of courses there are always exceptions to every rule! 

1. Why We Communicate: Women believe in rapport talk, men in report talk – i.e. women talk to connect, men to convey information. I can’t tell you how many couples I’ve seen, where she claims that he just sits there and doesn’t care to talk with her, while he says, “I have nothing to say – what do you want me to say!”  If he has nothing to add, he truly has nothing to say.
2. How We Communicate: Women use twice as many words as men in a given day, since they like to talk through things, whereas men are more direct, so they often miss subtle points and requests – again, a huge source of conflict.
3. What We Communicate About: Being action oriented, guys like to talk about sports, how things work, performance, ability, fixing things, etc. Being people centered, women love to talk about people, relationships, philosophy, and finding ways of being more supportive.  I’ve had many furious women share that their partner has a bigger reaction to sporting events than sick relatives or divorcing friends, which is interpreted as him not caring.  As before, guys will talk only when they have something to comment on in a given situation – yes, armchair coaching counts.
4. How Directly We Communicate: When a woman says, “Would you like to do such and such” what she means is “Let’s do such and such”; men equate the former to someone asking their opinion and the latter to direct instruction – another major source of misunderstanding, when he says “no” believing he was given an honest choice.
5. What Drives Us: Men are goal oriented, women process oriented. A guy will not attempt anything unless he knows there’s a chance of succeeding, and then, he’ll try to find the fastest way to achieve his goal.  A woman will not be afraid to attempt something without a specific goal, as long as it allows her to ensure that everyone’s feeling good.  This frustrates women in the bedroom, men in the boardroom.
6. How We Focus: Compared to the male brain, the female brain has a lot more connections across the two hemispheres, and their neurons have a significantly farther reach – this allows them to multi-task. Men’s brains are designed for sharper focus on one thing at a time.  This is why if men have to attend to something, their brain needs to shut off to everything else.  He truly can’t hear when he’s watching TV, reading, or attending to something after an argument – he isn’t ignoring her, nor has he stopped caring, he’s just not able to attend to ten things at once.  FYI, this extends into relaxation time as well.  When men are relaxing, 70% of their brain shuts off, when women are relaxing, over 90% of their brain stays on.
7. How We Express Love: While we all have a primary love language that we use to express love – words of affirmation, acts of service, touch, quality time, gifts – women have an easier time showing love by saying the right words, men by doing things.  If you want to please your partner, the golden rule definitely doesn’t apply. 
8. How We Deal with Our Problems: When women have a problem, they feel better just talking about it and giving each other support. Men rarely feel better talking about their problems and prefer to be left alone to find a solution or deal with a disappointment on their own – if they’re at a low point, they don’t want witnesses.  So if he pulls away or is in a bad mood, it’s his problem – she shouldn’t make it hers and add to the problem.
9. How We Feel About Getting Help: When either party is stuck in a jam, whereas women shouldn’t offer help, since men need to feel they can be trusted to take care of it on their own, men should always offer help, so women can feel cared for – but that doesn’t mean telling her what to do, or for that matter, telling her how to solve her problem when all she wants to do is vent.
10. How We Handle Our Mistakes: When either party makes a mistake, women tend to apologize way too much, men hardly at all.  The right balance is once for each mistake.  A misunderstood female will repeat herself (following him from room to room, if need be) until she feels understood, whereas a guy may check out once he feels there’s no point.

By now, hopefully you can see how misunderstandings can develop in a heartbeat, because of how each gender processes the same piece of information, assuming that the other party feels exactly the same way.  But most individuals fair a lot better when they can recognize those moments and try to look at alternative explanations.  A case in point: Anger is a secondary emotion for men, in response to feeling inadequate, guilty, impotent, or feeling about letting someone down, and wanting to redeem themselves in their eyes.  When women learn that, the next time a man gets angry, they try to see if it could be explained by one of the other reasons and experience what therapists call an “aha moment”, which calms them right down.  Bottom line, knowing how gender differences work can make versus break a relationship – or at the very least, save you a lot of heartache!