Gaslighting in the Family: When a Parent Distorts Your Reality

“Good parenting gives headaches, but bad parenting gives heartaches.”?

– Shiv Khera

Gaslighting, a term often thrown around casually, has a very specific meaning. It's a form of emotional abuse that manipulates a person's perception of reality. The abuser denies or minimizes the victim's experiences, feelings, or memories, making them question their own sanity. It's important to debunk some myths. A simple disagreement isn't gaslighting. Healthy debate and differing perspectives are normal in relationships.

However, when a parent engages in gaslighting with their child, the dynamic becomes particularly insidious. A child's natural trust in their caregiver makes them especially vulnerable to this form of manipulation. Imagine a young child who, while out shopping with mom, sees mom stealthily take an expensive item and put it into her purse. Confused by the fact that the child looks up to mom and by the knowledge that shoplifting is wrong, the child seeks to gain clarity from their parent, only to be met with a denial. "You must have imagined it honey, that never happened" the mother insists, planting a seed of doubt in the child's mind. This denial, especially when repeated over time, can create a chilling reality for the child. Every memory, every feeling, becomes suspect.

Constant gaslighting can have a profound impact on a child's development. They may struggle with crippling self-doubt, questioning their own judgment and memories. Building healthy relationships becomes a challenge when they can't trust their own perception of reality. Anxiety, depression, and difficulty with self-esteem are all potential consequences of a gaslighting childhood.

For Parents Who Gaslight:

If you are a parent who gaslights your child during conflicts, it is imperative to stop this behavior immediately. You may be causing lifelong damage to your child that will linger throughout adulthood in the form of anxiety, insecurity, underachievement, and over-dependency on others. Your child deserves to feel safe and secure in your love and support. Moving forward, make a conscious effort to validate their experiences and feelings, even during disagreements. Tell your child that they are competent and that they can trust their own abilities to understand the world around them. Open and honest communication is key to building a strong and trusting relationship with your child.

For Children of Gaslighting Parents:

Healing from gaslighting takes time and support, but you are not alone. Remember, your reality is valid. There is nothing wrong with you for questioning your experiences – that's a natural reaction to being gaslit. Reach out to a trusted adult, a teacher, counselor, therapist, or even a helpline. They can provide a safe space for you to express your feelings and help you validate your experiences. Consider individual therapy. A therapist can be a guiding light, helping you understand the impact of gaslighting and develop healthy coping mechanisms.

You can build a strong sense of self, free from the manipulation you've experienced. Focus on activities that bring you confidence and surround yourself with supportive people who believe in you. You are worthy of love and healthy relationships.

Here's the truth: If you are a person who was subjected to frequent gaslighting by your parent throughout your childhood and you continue to struggle with feelings of anxiety, underachievement, and over-dependency on others, it's time to take back your confidence. This might involve accepting that your parent may have lied to you, deflecting blame for their own shortcomings onto you. If they lied to you, they likely lied to others too. Understanding this is your parent's way of coping, not a reflection of your abilities, is the first step. The second step is to rebuild your confidence by taking healthy risks and trusting your own judgment. While it can be scary, verifying your abilities through experience, rather than constantly seeking external validation, is a powerful way to heal. This process, though challenging, can lead to a life filled with a sense of peace and self-worth you may not have thought possible.

Yisroel Picker is a Social Worker and therapist who lives and works in Jerusalem. He is a certified trauma therapist with a private practice. Additionally, he also sees clients who would like to take a cognitive approach (e.g. DBT, CBT, REBT) towards reaching their desired outcome.?

He has been writing and speaking publicly about child sex abuse prevention since 2017.

To speak with Yisroel about speaking at a child safety event or to discuss a personal case, email him at [email protected]

To learn more about Yisroel and to read older articles, check out his website www.ympicker.com

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