Gaslighting - an early warning sign for domestic violence.

“If you alter your behaviour because you are frightened of how your partner will react, you are being abused.” ― Sandra Horley

Warning: This post deals with domestic violence and could be triggering for some readers.

The Human Psychology team spend every day listening to stories of pain, distress and dysfunction.  We are committed and passionate about not just providing excellent clinical care to our clients, but also to trying to prevent the root causes of psychological difficulty. Toxic relationship dynamics are frequent presentations and domestic violence an all too common source of mental health issues and trauma.

In 2019, Destroy the Joint has calculated that 18 women have been killed by violence to date in Australia. It is only May. 69 women were murdered in 2018. That is more than one woman murdered a week by a partner or ex-partner. This is a national epidemic of violence behind closed doors. And 1 in 4 women have experienced emotional abuse by a current or former partner since the age of 15 (Source – ABS). This article is not written only for women, as we acknowledge that men are victims of domestic violence and gaslighting as well.

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse. It is defined as manipulating someone through psychological means into questioning their own sanity and worth. In the 1944 film “Gaslight”, a husband tries to get his wife committed to a psychiatric institution so he can take her jewels by making the lights flicker in their home and then denying he could see it. She starts to doubt her judgement and sanity. The gaslighing dynamic deflects blame for abusive conduct by pointing the finger at the victim. This is often done by making the victim feel “overly sensitive,” “paranoid,” “mentally unstable,” “silly,” “unhinged,” and many other sensations which cause you to doubt yourself. It is a common technique of people with narcissistic or psychopathic personality tendencies. They pathologise emotions into an affective apocalypse.   Know that gaslighting is an attempt to change the truth. Your truth.

Early indicators of control and abuse in relationships follow a common pattern of behaviours and actions. Education about them is critical in preventing escalation so victims can avoid sustaining a relationship that deteriorates as abuse escalates.

Early "red flags" in a relationship include:

• Love-bombing (the practice of overwhelming someone with signs of adoration and attraction very early in the relationship. If something seems too good to be true it probably is.)
• Sharp personality changes
• Negativity towards family and friends, leading to isolation
• Extreme jealousy and accusations
• Blame-shifting
• Lying
• Encouraging co-dependence
• Behaving differently in public
• Controlling finances
• Monitoring social media

Many victims experiencing many of these types of behaviours simply don’t recognise them as abuse. If you do notice any of these red flags in your partner’s behaviour, but are questioning your reality, think about applying the “No Test”. Say “No” to a request or demand and see how your partner responds. Watch out for the way your partner responds the first time you change your mind or say “No”. While expressing disappointment is okay, it’s not the same as annoyed. Annoyed is “how dare you?”, a sign of ownership or entitlement. It is a warning sign.

“ Effective gaslighting can be accomplished in several different ways. Sometimes, a person can assert something with such an apparent intensity of conviction that the other person begins to doubt their own perspective. Other times, vigorous and unwavering denial coupled with a display of righteous indignation can accomplish the same task. Bringing up historical facts that seem largely accurate but contain minute, hard-to-prove distortions and using them to “prove” the correctness of one’s position is another method. Gaslighting is particularly effective when coupled with other tactics such as shaming and guilting. Anything that aids in getting another person to doubt their judgment and back down will work.”  Counselling Resource.

Gaslighters use a variety of subtle techniques to undermine your reality and portray you as the one with the problem. This form of psychological abuse follows a predictable pattern:

• Discreditting. Making other people think that you are incompetent, irrational or unstable.
• 2-faced. Using a mask of confidence, assertiveness, and/or fake compassion to make you believe that you “have it all wrong.” Eventually you begin to doubt yourself and believe their version of past events.
• Changing the subject. The gaslighter may divert the topic by asking another question, or making a statement usually directed at your thoughts, e.g. “You’re imagining things—that never happened!” “No, you’re wrong, you didn’t remember right.” 
• Minimising. By trivialising how you feel and what you think, the gaslighter gains more and more power over you, e.g. “Why are you being so sensitive?” “You don’t need to get angry over a little thing like that!” “I was just joking around, why are you taking things so seriously?”
• Denial and avoidance. By refusing to acknowledge your feelings and thoughts, the gaslighter causes you to increasingly doubt yourself. For example, “No one else here remembers it that way” “You’re lying, I never said that.” “I don’t know what you’re talking about, you’re changing the subject.”
• Twisting and reframing. When the gaslighter confidently and subtly twists and reframes what was said or done in their favour, they can cause you to second-guess yourself, especially when paired with fake compassion. For example, “I didn’t say that, I said _____” “If you remember correctly, I was actually trying to help you.”

Fight back – “what you know to be true is not true”

Gaslighting is covert aggression and a form of abuse. It is not okay for someone you like to treat you poorly and then pretend it didn’t happen, making you question your own grasp on reality. It is not your fault and you do not deserve this treatment. You know your reality and how you feel. As with any subtle form of manipulation, the first step in freeing yourself from gaslighting is to recognise that it is actually happening. Then take a firm stand against the reality the abuser is attempting to impose on you. This can be really difficult and being assertive in an abusive dynamic can sometimes be risky for your safety. When you're in the habit of trusting someone else's version of events above your own, it can be hard to go back to accepting what you perceive as being the truth. It is made even harder by the familiar pattern that when confronted, your complaints are likely to be met with very convincing and logical-sounding explanations by the gaslighter. 

Turn to trusted friends, independent support networks or therapists. Sometimes you can address a gaslighter directly but not with the objective of proving your reality but to enforce your boundaries if it is safe to do so. People who use gaslighting do not like to be exposed. They are probably counting on you not calling them out because they have targeted you in the first place.

The families of the women killed at the hands of their partner or ex-partner all concede that the early signs were present, and agree more education is required to help victims and their families recognise these behaviours as domestic abuse.  Access help to leave at these first indicators.  Before something worse happens.

If you or someone you know needs help, please contact the National Sexual Assault, Domestic and Family Violence Counselling Service on 1800 RESPECT for 24/7 support.