Gaslighting or Constructive Criticism? How to Tell the Difference

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This week's topic: Gaslighting or Constructive Criticism? How to Tell the Difference

In the world of engineering, feedback is a critical part of growth. Constructive criticism helps team members improve their work, learn new skills, and avoid repeating mistakes. But not all feedback is helpful or productive. Sometimes, it can cross the line into something more harmful: gaslighting.?

For engineering managers, distinguishing between constructive feedback and gaslighting is essential—not just to support team morale, but to foster a culture of trust and respect. But how can managers recognize the difference and ensure their own feedback doesn’t inadvertently contribute to a toxic environment?

Constructive Criticism vs. Gaslighting: What’s the Difference?

At its core, constructive criticism is feedback aimed at helping someone improve their skills or performance. It’s specific, actionable, and focuses on behaviors or outcomes, not personal attributes. Constructive feedback is delivered respectfully, often with guidance on how to make improvements.

Gaslighting, on the other hand, is a form of manipulation that makes someone question their perception of reality, judgment, or even their competence. In a professional setting, gaslighting can look like persistent denial of issues raised by an employee, belittling or dismissing their concerns, or blaming them for problems that are beyond their control.

Here’s a quick comparison of how these two types of feedback differ:

Constructive Criticism???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

• Focuses on specific, observable behavior??????????????
• Provides actionable guidance for improvement????????????
• Respects the recipient’s perspective and experience????
• Aims to empower and motivate?????????????????????????

Gaslighting

• Generalized criticism that targets the person????????
• Leaves the employee feeling confused or doubtful?????
• Dismisses or undermines the recipient’s viewpoint???
• Aims to control or maintain power??????????????????

Why Does Gaslighting Happen?

Gaslighting isn’t always intentional. In fact, in high-stress environments like engineering, some of the pressures on managers can lead to unintentional gaslighting behaviors. Tight deadlines, complex problem-solving, and the need for precise results can sometimes make managers hypercritical. When this happens, managers may be more likely to provide vague or dismissive feedback that doesn’t genuinely support improvement.

Additionally, gaslighting can occur due to power dynamics, where a manager might unconsciously want to maintain authority or discourage dissent. A study by the Chartered Institute of Personnel and Development (CIPD) found that one-third of employees reported that they experience or witness negative behaviors like belittling, excessive criticism, or unfair blame from their managers. Although not all of these behaviors amount to gaslighting, they illustrate a disconnect that can erode trust and morale.

Why It’s Harder to Spot Gaslighting in Engineering

The nature of engineering work, which often involves highly complex, detailed projects, can make it harder to recognize gaslighting. In engineering, feedback is frequently critical, technical, and necessary for accuracy. However, when feedback repeatedly undermines an employee’s confidence without supporting growth, gaslighting can develop.

In many engineering teams, “tough love” cultures may be common. A certain degree of rigorous critique is expected, but when critique crosses into dismissiveness or relentless fault-finding, it creates an unhealthy environment. This is particularly relevant in engineering teams because of the high stakes of the work involved. No engineer wants to risk making mistakes on important projects, and that vulnerability can make it easier for gaslighting to occur—and harder to detect.

Common Signs of Gaslighting vs. Constructive Criticism

Here are some clues that the feedback being given or received might cross the line into gaslighting rather than constructive critique:

1. Vagueness and Ambiguity

• Constructive criticism will generally be specific and clear: “The calculations in section 3 need adjustment to align with standard X.” Gaslighting might be vague or lack actionable points: “Your work is just off. I can’t trust it.”

2. Frequent Blame for External Issues

• Constructive criticism acknowledges context. Gaslighting, however, may involve blaming someone for factors beyond their control, like blaming an engineer for delays caused by supply chain issues.

3. Dismissive Language

• Constructive criticism respects the recipient’s abilities. Gaslighting, on the other hand, may belittle the recipient or make them feel incapable: “I’m not sure how you got to this stage without understanding basic calculations.”

4. Inconsistency in Expectations

• Constructive criticism has clear, consistent standards. Gaslighting may involve constantly shifting expectations so that the employee always feels they’re falling short, regardless of improvement efforts.

5. Creating Self-Doubt

• A manager offering constructive criticism provides solutions and motivation. Gaslighting, by contrast, often makes the recipient question their skills, value, or even memory: “Are you sure that’s how it went? I remember it differently.”

How Engineering Managers Can Avoid Gaslighting Behaviors

Avoiding gaslighting isn’t just about refraining from certain language; it’s about creating a culture of accountability, clarity, and mutual respect.

Here are a few key ways to ensure your feedback stays constructive:

Establish Clear Feedback Protocols

Make sure you know what you want to say before giving feedback, and focus on specific, actionable items. Regular check-ins and clear performance metrics help ground your feedback in data and prevent misunderstandings.

Encourage Open Dialogue

Create a culture where team members feel safe to ask questions or provide context about their work. When feedback is a two-way street, it’s less likely to feel dismissive or one-sided.?

Check for Bias and Intent

Reflect on your own motivations when providing feedback. Are you truly aiming to help the individual improve, or are stress and frustration coloring your response? Taking a moment to consider your intentions can help avoid unintentional gaslighting.

How Gaslighting Affects Performance and Well-Being

Gaslighting, whether intentional or not, can have significant repercussions on both individual employees and the overall team. Research from the American Psychological Association shows that employees who feel undermined or undervalued are at higher risk of experiencing anxiety, depression, and burnout. In engineering, where projects rely on precision and sustained focus, these mental health impacts can be even more disruptive.?

Furthermore, employees subjected to gaslighting may withdraw, disengage, or even leave the company. A Gallup study found that organizations with higher employee engagement see a 21% increase in productivity and a 41% decrease in absenteeism. In contrast, environments marked by gaslighting behaviors can erode trust, create friction, and foster high turnover—leading to both lost talent and decreased productivity.

Building a Feedback-Rich, Trust-Driven Culture

To cultivate a healthy workplace culture, engineering managers must make a conscious effort to deliver feedback in a way that’s constructive, transparent, and grounded in respect. This means prioritizing honesty without tearing down self-confidence, addressing both strengths and weaknesses, and being willing to listen and understand different perspectives.

While engineering requires high standards, maintaining respect and clarity within feedback is key to building a motivated, resilient team. By creating an environment that values open communication, managers not only prevent gaslighting but also empower their teams to reach their full potential.

Have you ever felt manipulated or made to doubt your own reality at work??

Gaslighting can take many forms, and it’s crucial to recognize them to protect yourself.?

In this recent YouTube episode, "6 Types of Workplace Gaslighting to Be Aware Of", I'm uncovering six types of workplace gaslighting, provide real-life examples, and offer practical advice on how to respond to each one.

Learn to identify the signs, understand the effects, and equip yourself with strategies to combat this manipulative behavior and maintain your mental health and professional integrity.

WATCH NOW!

- Doug Howard PE

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