Gaslighting - the chaos and the resurrection.

Two men I loved the most in life.

Two men I trusted my life with for I staunchly believed they would hurt themselves before even imagining to hurt me.

Two men who have shaped my life in ways I can never ably describe or explain.

But one word that links these two men and brings them on a common plane despite the fact that they never met each other - GASLIGHTING.

Derived first as a term from the 1944 movie 'Gaslight', it is one of the worst forms of manipulation that occurs within relationships, often inflicted by one over the other as a way of victimising and exercising unquestionable control over the latter. Though the perpetrator is often a narcissist or one with strong narcissistic traits, we cannot always be judgemental for the former is himself or herself at times not aware of being an abuser because in the times we live in today, there are scores of damaged souls who have grown up being gaslit by their own family and friends so much so that they never got an opportunity to realise when they themselves made the silent transition from being a victim to a victimiser.

That said, I am not writing this article to condone the actions of habitual gaslighters. Instead, all I seek is to raise awareness amongst my readers about this menace which has seeped deep into our cultural conditioning today by narrating my experiences with gaslighting and the way it ruined my sense of reality at one point almost driving me to the brink of insanity.

What gaslighters typically do is to present before you a twisted, manipulated and heavily distorted version of an event or a situation both of you have experienced together. It often happens in the midst of a confrontation when you point out the lapses in their behaviour or past actions concerning you in order to seek a sense of clarity in terms of your perception about the same. Since gaslighters are generally people with weak values and massive egos, they cannot accept the truth coming from the people in their lives. In short, they cannot stand up to honest conversations and direct confrontation because it implies that they have to be vulnerable and accept their own mistakes and blunders. As a result, as a ploy to ensure the continuity of their power and control over the you, they come out with blatant lies to question your memory and perception about an event or a situation involving the two of you.

Often, they end up arguing so persistently and convincingly that you start second guessing your own recollection of the event under discussion and start questioning yourself in the process. You end up believing that theirs is the right version and there has been some terrible error of judgement on your part because of which, despite being the truthful one and the one with the right intentions and the right mindset, you ultimately become the one to apologise to the former simply because you care about the relationship and genuinely want to make amends for the 'lapse' in your judgement.

And this is exactly what I had to face on a regular basis while dealing with these two men in my life. Both of them came up with their own version of concocted and fake stories to make me question and doubt my own ability to understand and read a situation. Almost in all the instances where I sought to confront them and clarify my niggling doubts, I ended up becoming the one blaming myself for questioning their honesty and integrity. I ended up feeling dazed and confused, believing their flagrant lies and allowing them to make me dance to their tunes like a puppet with little or no sense of agency over myself.

The consequence - My mental health suffered severely. I began losing faith on myself and my own abilities so much so that I began questioning my own character. At one point, I had almost driven myself to believe that I am a morally corrupt and emotionally flawed person who is hell bent upon hurting those who love me dearly. I started looking down upon myself as some kind of a criminal who had deeply wounded the ones who loved me with everything they had whereas the reality was just the opposite.

In the process, my life descended into the perfect chaos and I began second-guessing my very existence. My entire life looked like a big piece of lie to me and I had hit the lowest point in my life, where I hated myself so much and was so delusional that I often fantasised about ending my life. But as we have always been told, "Truth always finds its way".

No matter how dark the clouds of dishonesty and manipulation are the light of truth eventually shines out. And so it happened that through purely divine intervention that I came across people - guides and mentors in my life who helped me rebuild myself from scratch. With their able guidance and support, I began to see and understand the truth for what it was and there began the journey of my resurrection, where the once extremely emotional, sensitive and shy girl who always questioned herself while giving the rest of the world the 'benefit of doubt' rose from the ashes of her own ruin.

After some intense soul-searching and a few inexplicably painful years of my life, I eventually became the woman I always wanted to be - the woman with a strong self-belief. I began seeing beyond the facade of emotions and self taught myself on the ways the world and the people we love manipulate us so that they can maintain their authority and always exercise control over our lives. And in case you think that you have been spared the evil of gaslighting in your life, know this :

1. Gaslighting is often the boss who speaks sweetly to you at work but makes you question your contribution to the team and your worth each time you seek a well deserved raise or a long overdue promotion.
2. Gaslighting is the parent who tells his/her daughter that she can receive the best education and have all the freedom in life but must end up marrying the man they choose for her because they love her and always have her best interest in mind.
3. Gaslighting is the romantic partner who cannot stop saying how much he/she loves you but eventually ends up hurting you every time you seek commitment.
4. Gaslighting is the friend who convinces you that you will never be left behind feeling alone but is always busy when you need someone to lean on.

In short, gaslighting has become so rampant that we often do not recognise it before it is too late. The best thing we can therefore do for ourselves and our own sanity as well as joy is to stick to our values and never allow anybody to manipulate us into compromising on those while simultaneously equipping ourselves with the knowledge about human nature and human psychology so that we do not end up becoming the victim in our own story.

And so far as I am concerned, I have come a long way from those dark days of the past. Though I am yet in the process of recovering and resurrecting myself, I am a lot stronger today to stand up to bullies and liars who play with my mental peace for their selfish interests.

And as far as my relationship with the two men I mentioned above is concerned, one is over, leaving behind remnants I will carry for the rest of my life like stubborn shrapnels from an old wound lodged between flesh deep inside the skin. But when it comes to my relationship with the other man, I have forgiven him as I have forgiven the former and am currently in the process of rebuilding it from a place of personal power and responsibility because he was, is and will always be a part of my reality so long I am breathing.

Eventually, this is what the journey of resurrection is all about - forgiveness and moving on.