Gaslighting

Remember Ross and Rachel, ‘The’ couple of F.R.I.E.N.D.S., but if you really think about it, How many times did he lie to Rachel? Let's not forget that time they get drunk and accidentally get married in Vegas and then Ross lies to Rachel about annulling the marriage. If that isn't enough, he gets Rachel to move in with him. As Phoebe points out, this is Ross' way of hopefully convincing Rachel to fall back in love with him, so he doesn't have to get another divorce. This is typical Ross behavior that he uses to his advantage in order to manipulate Rachel into wanting him just as much as he wants her. There was even that time after she gives birth to their daughter that she starts to question whether she should be with Ross or not, because he is the father — an idea that he puts into her mind constantly. He holds over head that he's been in love with her since high school and that means they're meant to be. Rachel can't escape that fairytale and ends up even giving up her career in Paris for him.

In Twilight, Edward Cullen consistently gaslights Bella Swan. He repeatedly performs actions specifically designed to get Bella to question her memory of him breaking character as a human, like outright lying to her and telling her that she hit her head and is confused when she confronts him about how he saved her from the car crash. 

What is GasLighting?

“Oh come on. I never said that.”

“You’re just being overly sensitive.”

“I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal out of this…”

 Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person, in order to gain more power, makes the victim question their sanity, memory, and/or sense of reality.

[The term originates from “Gas Light”, a 1938 play in which a man dims the gas lights in his house, and manipulates other elements in the environment as well, then insists that his wife is remembering things incorrectly, or is delusional, when she points out these changes.]

What are the habits of a GasLighter?

The techniques a gaslighter might use to manipulate someone else can include:

• Withholding (meaning he or she refuses to listen or says they don’t understand)
• Countering (when the abuser questions the gaslightee’s memory of an event)
• Blocking/ Diverting (when the abuser changes the subject or questions the victim’s thinking)
• Trivializing (making the victim’s needs or feelings seem unimportant)
• Forgetting/denial (when the manipulator pretends to have forgotten what actually happened or denies something he or she had previously agreed to)

And note that a gaslighter will oftentimes start with something that is true that you might be particularly sensitive about to hook you. A coworker, for example, who tries to convince you that you’re not pulling your weight in the office might bring up the fact that you complain all the time about menopause making you feel lousy. You may be feeling lousy because you’re going through menopause (and that coworker may have heard you complaining about it once or twice), but that doesn’t necessarily mean that your performance is changing because of it.

How do you recognize that GasLighting is happening?

Take a look at the list below. If any part of the list resonates with you, you may be involved in a gaslighting relationship and need to look further.

• You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” many times per day.
• You often feel confused and even crazy in the relationship.
• You’re always apologizing.
• You can’t understand why you aren’t happier.
• You know something is wrong but you just don’t know what.
• You start lying to avoid put-downs and reality twists.
• You have trouble making simple decisions.
• You wonder if you are good enough.

While all of these symptoms can occur with anxiety disorders, depression, or low self-esteem, the difference with gaslighting is that there is another person or group that’s actively engaged in trying to make you second-guess what you know is true. If you don’t typically experience these feelings with other people but do with one particular individual, then you might be a victim of gaslighting.

Some common phrases you might hear from your gaslighter are:

• You’re so sensitive!
• You know that’s just because you are so insecure.
• Stop acting crazy. Or: You sound crazy, you know that, don’t you?
• You are just paranoid.
• You just love trying to throw me off track.
• You are making that up.
• It’s no big deal.
• You’re imagining things.
• You are always so dramatic.
• Don’t get so worked up.
• That never happened.
• You know you don’t remember things clearly.
• There’s no pattern. Or: You are seeing a pattern that is not there.
• You’re hysterical.
• There you go again, you are so ungrateful.
• Nobody believes you, why should I?

In what context are you hearing these phrases? Typical triggers that create a stressful environment that can lead to gaslighting include topics such as money, sex, your families of origin, or habits you came into the relationship with.

What happens if you're a victim of GasLighting?

Victims of gaslighting often self-gaslight, meaning they constantly question and over time lose confidence in themselves. People who gaslight themselves often suppress their thoughts and emotions. For example, if someone says something insensitive or hurtful to them, they would notice that their feelings are hurt, but immediately think, “I am probably just making a big deal out of it and being too sensitive.”

 How to prevent GasLighting?

• Acknowledge and empathize rather than question people’s experiences.
• Recognize when you have gaslit yourself, and replace harmful phrases with self-affirming ones.
• Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel about something they have never had to experience. 
• Don’t invalidate experiences of racial injustice and the existence of racism in our society.
• Call people out if you see them gaslighting others and inform them of the harmful effects of their comments/actions.

How do you overcome GasLighting?

Often the first step to protect yourself from gaslighting is to recognize its presence. Once you know you are being manipulated, you can determine your own reality more easily. Ideally, someone experiencing abuse would get help and possibly leave the relationship. Yet sometimes barriers prevent a person from leaving right away. The person may be financially dependent on their abuser, or there may be children involved. If you are a target of gaslighting, here are some tips you can use to defend yourself:

• Don’t take responsibility for the other person’s actions. The other person may claim you provoked the abuse. If you avoid the actions that offended them in the past, the gaslighter will likely come up with new excuses for their abuse.
• Don’t sacrifice yourself to spare their feelings. Even if you dedicate your whole life to making them happy, you will never completely fill the other person’s desire for control. People who gaslight others are often trying to fill a void in themselves. But they will not fix their heart by breaking yours.
• Remember your truth. Just because the other person sounds sure of themself doesn’t mean they are right. The gaslighter may never see your side of the story. Yet their opinion does not define reality. Nor does it define who you are as a person.
• Do not argue on their terms. If the other person is fabricating facts, you are unlikely to have a productive discussion. You may spend all your energy debating what is real instead of making your point. The other person may use gaslighting techniques to declare they won an argument. But you do not have to accept conclusions based on a faulty premise.
• Prioritize your safety. Gaslighting often makes targets doubt their own intuition. But if you feel you are in danger, you can always leave the situation. You do not need to prove a gaslighter’s threats of violence are sincere before calling the police. It is often safest to treat every threat as credible.
• Remember you are not alone. You may find it helpful to talk about your experiences with others. Friends and family can offer emotional support and validation.

Remember : ‘Nobody Can Make You Feel Inferior Without Your Consent’