Gas

It’s important you know that Emerson Ells loved beans most of all when he dined.

But it’s also a fact that his good wife Elaine, was not one to be so inclined.

It wasn’t the taste or the texture abhorred, but the methane that followed hereafter.

I’m sure you appreciate all her displeasure when gas filled her home to the rafters.

So Emerson, he of the bean adoration, betook himself oft times to lunch,

And happily chose from the menu extensive, a large plate of baked beans to munch.

On this day it was doubly important to him, for his birthday, again, had appeared.

He decided a good plate of beans would endorse his making it through one more year.

He happily slurped up—not one, but two—plates of his favourite food.

Then laughed when he thought of his unwary wife and her wishes that he could elude.

When Emerson got to his home after work, his wife met him as he came in.

“I have a surprise!” she said as they kissed. Then blindfolded him with a grin.

She led him, unwary, along the main hall, the dining room clearly her goal,

When someone knocked loudly upon the front door. She sighed and disrupted their stroll.

And parking her husband in a dining chair, she hurried herself off to see,

Who could possibly be interrupting her plans and to knock with such temerity.

Now, remember those beans so happily consumed and their unlucky penchant to’ard gas?

Well, through the drive home, old Em’s innards roiled and now he had something to pass.

He listened. Elaine was still neatly engaged. He could hear as she spoke from somewhere.

So Emerson leaned to one side (sneakily) and let loose a blast of hot air.

He felt better at the ensuing release, but his bowels soon started to strain,

And knowing his wife was still there by the door, he tipped himself over. Again.

A third time inflated, a third time released and a third time his needs were addressed,

Then hearing his wife as she closed the front door, decided he’d just keep the rest.

Soon his dear wifey was there at his side. As she murmured her apologies,

Old Em, he just smiled in a secretive way, thinking of his release. Times three.

“And now your surprise!” his sweet wifey exclaimed as she pulled off his blindfold with care.

 Its removal revealed some guests at the board. Twelve of them were seated there.

So to you who like beans, and I’m one, I confess, please beware of the spouse-ly surprise,

Cause the likelihood’s there that you may just end up: the sole cynosure of all eyes.